Last to post wins: The return.

[hahn1]

omg.

I really wish that I didn't have the OCD need to finish reading a thread before moving on.

How does an elephant get out of a tree? - Stands in a leaf and waits for winter.

An elephant and a mouse were playing soccer against each other, they were good friends. The elephant in a heated exchange accidentally steps on the mouse crushing him a foot below the ground. The elephant is apoplectic, sobbing and apologizing to his friend. The mouse, struggles to his feet, dusts himself off and says to his friend "Don't worry it could have happened to either of us."

The same elephant and mouse go to the beach. The elephant decides to take a swim, but after a while he notices the mouse on the beach waving his arms wildly, frantically almost. The elephant rushes to the beach and asks "Whats wrong are you okay?" The mouse inspects the elephant and says "oh, I'm sorry, I thought for a moment that we had mixed up our swimsuits."

And scene.

[danscope]

Good stuff, Hahn !
"Will I ever be able to race my horse again" the owner asked the vet.The vet replied, "You certainly will, and youll probably beat her too!"

[Sarawak]

I just flew in from out of town. Boy, are my arms tired!

[99gecko]

^^^
Your arms are tired? Why didn't you use your wings?

[Sarawak]

They were in the shop.

[danscope]

The other day, I broke 70 . That's a lot of clubs !

[danscope]

A guy complained to his psychiatrist saying..." No body listens to me."
The psychiatrist says..." Next " !

[hahn1]

Heisenberg went for a drive and got stopped by a traffic cop. The cop asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replied, "No, but I know where I am."

[hahn1]

Why are quantum physicists so bad at ... lets say tennis?

Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.

[Sarawak]

So then it should be impossible to receive a ticket for going through a stop sign, since it cannot be proven that the car was moving when it was next to the stop sign.

[danscope]

Oh.... you can get a ticket for almost anything.

[Gemini]

Cop: Mr. Schrodinger, did you know that there is a dead cat in your trunk?

Schrodinger: There is now.

[Sarawak]

So give the ticket to the dead cat then.

[Spoons]

Would having a cat in the trunk be a feliney?

[Sarawak]

No, a meowsdemeaner.

[Spoons]

That is indeed demeaning.

If 'mis' is a prefix which can mean 'not', and 'demeanor' has the exact same meaning as 'demeaning', does that make a misdemeanor a positive thing? Maybe, but only if it's for flogging a PETA member with a dead cat.

[Sarawak]

Do cat physicists claim that people are neither alive nor dead until they are observed?

[Spoons]

Only if they paws for reflection.

[Sarawak]

[Spoons]

I know, when I wrote that blood started dribbling out my ears. Like a banished lion, I have no pride.

[Sarawak]

Like a banished lion, I have no pride.

Another one!

[Spoons]

Oh yeah. Like a <reference redacted>, they just keep on coming.

[Sarawak]

I wish I could think of good cat-related puns.

[danscope]

Some body's Moggie... by the side of the road.
Someone's favorite pussy... who for got his highway code.
Someone's favorite feline... who'd run clean out of luck;
when he ran on out in the road
and tried to argue with a truck !!!

Oh......yesterday, he purred and played in his pussy paradise.
Decapitating tweety birds.... and mastiucating mice .
Now he's just three pounds of raw mince meat....
That don't smell very nice !
He's no.... body's moggie............. now .

Oh... you who love your pussy, please try to keep him in.
Don't let him argue with a truck; the truck is bound to win .
And out on the busy road , don't let him play and frolic .
If you do, I'm warning you... it could be ..cat.....astrophic !

If he tries to play on the roadway, I'm afraid that will be that.
There will be one last despairing "MEOW "
and a sort of squelchy splat .
And your pussy will be slightly dead,
And very...very flat.
He's no body's moggie ,
Just wet and squashed.... and soggy !
He's no body's moggie......NOW .
Hmmmmmmm.........

[99gecko]

I wish I could think of good cat-related puns.

Oh you're purrfectly good with puns in your own right.

[danscope]

Yes, there's an entire " CAT" alog . HAAA!!!!!!!!!!!

[Sarawak]

I think the lion's share of the good puns have been taken.

[danscope]

Good, now there's more room for the really BAD puns.

[Sarawak]

Some of them are catastrophically bad.

[mr obvious]

Some of them are catastrophically bad.

Do you state that categorically?