This is a story I wrote in 1999 after some thoughts about the fundamental properties of Natural Constants. The very last part is an addition - related to the latest issues in Kitchen Theory.
Joe Blogg's House of Quantum Physics
A history of Joe Blogg's new home which explains how complex theories are born and survive as a dictum.
NOTES
* Nothing in Joe Blogg's House is theoretically wrong - it is just complicated
* New Zealander's call themselves "kiwis" after the bird which is their national icon.
THE STORY
Joe Blogg is one of these practical Kiwi blokes who can fix nearly everything applying a number eight wire solution. Number eight is a wire size most commonly used on farms and its main purpose, beside fencing, is to hold things together that would normally fall apart.
One day Joe Blogg decided to build a house. When the house was finished and Joe moved in he had the feeling that something was not right.
He had built the house on a slight slope and had forgotten to level it. Walking up and down inside the house was a dammed nuisance and the plates on the table had to be held in place with little wooden frames around their rim.
First Joe thought of cutting off the feet of the table, but then he had a better idea. He built a level floor inside the house that fixed the problem with the table. He also noticed that his chairs were a lot more comfortable to sit on after this modification.
She will be right now he proudly told his mates.
Later, after he had saved some more money, Joe thought it would be a good idea to have a kitchen. So he started to build one, but it turned out to be a nightmare. The kitchen did not fit properly. There were gaps at the walls and in the corners things where a complete shamble.
Finally he decided to call in Jim Theory, a master carpenter.
Jim looked at the situation and measured the angles between the walls and the floor. He then worked out an ingenious method how he had to cut the walls of the cupboards so that they would fit to the walls without a gap.
Jim also added some new boards - he called Dimensions - which fixed the problems around the stove, the fridge and other appliances, because he could not cut those appliances to the right size without demolishing their purpose.
During his work Jim had realized that every wall and every corner in this house had its own set of angles he called Natural Kitchen Constants and therefore every piece of furniture would require him, Jim Theory, to build it. No kitchen could be built without these constants - so he patented the constants - to secure his monopoly on kitchen building.
It was not only profitable it was also very rewarding. Joe often told him "Jim you are a genius. Without you I would have been lost completely, you should write a book how to build kitchens". Jim thought this was a sensible thing to do and soon his book was taught to students at universities who were interested in the complicated art of kitchen building.
The crown of Jim's theory were two famous Kitchen Laws
1. The Kitchen Constant Law which stated - "Kitchen Constants cannot produce rectangular geometries".
2. The Kitchen Exclusion Principle which stated - “Kitchens cannot be built using rectangular pieces" because of Law 1.
One day a student called Peter Nobody proposed in his thesis to build kitchens from rectangular cupboards that would fit neatly together. This was not very well received by his Professor who without even looking at the proposal returned Peter's thesis with the words:
1. This would involve a violation of the Kitchen Law
2. The measurements in Joe Blogg's house confirm that there cannot be a rectangular cupboard.
3. Therefore the Kitchen Law must be correct”.
From now on Jim's Kitchen Theory was assumed to be established mainstream science and consensus was reached that every new theory had to confirm the Kitchen Law. To enforce this new policy a new opinion sieve called the Peer Review System was created and notice was given that every paper without a peer review is not worth a penny.
Every person who dared to propose something outside the official kitchen framework risked his/her reputation as a scientist.
Despite of all this Joe Blogg had the feeling it would have been wise to level his house in the early stages.
Now it was too late! Just imagine!
Every piece of his expensive theoretical furniture would have to be rebuilt in a simple way.
Another worry was the economic impact on a company called Global Particle Collider Limited - which produced Kitchen Machinery.
Megabucks of Government Funding went yearly into sub companies like CERNY to produce a machine which can eliminate the Planet Earth from the Planetary System without a problem. Just turn up the Energy Knob - Kitchen Theory predicts nothing dangerous will happen - so let's have a look whether Kitchen Theory is right!
