When certain people post, I'm reminded of this:

[Click Ticker]

http://urbanlegends.about.com/library/blbyol3.htm

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.

On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

[peteshimmon]

Yup! College does constrain creativity after
a while

[mugaliens]

That's nothing. I'm the guy who teaches people like that all they ever knew.

Except the part about the origami, as paper creatures give me nightmares...

And about the perspiration part. I am a man. All men sweat. Therefore, I sweat.

[Argos]

Good to be a generalist...

[peteshimmon]

Ah..to be seventeen again! The World is full
of possibilities and things to be done for the
good of all. As it is just managed to keep my
head above water since.

[mike alexander]

I was born ten thousand years ago
And there's nothing in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul, and Moses playing ring around the roses
And I'll lick the guy that say it isn't so

I saw Satan when he looked the garden o'er
I saw Eve and Adam driven from the door
And behind the bushes peepin', saw the apple they were eatin'
And I swear that I'm the guy that ate the core

I saw Jonah when he was within the whale
And thought he'd never live to tell the tale
But old Jonah'd eaten garlic, and he gave the whale the colic
So he coughed him up and let him out of jail

I saw Israel in the battle of the Nile
The arrows were flying thick and fast and wild
I saw David with his sling pop Goliath on the wing
I was doing forty seconds to the mile

I saw Sampson when he laid the village cold
Saw Daniel tame the lions in their hold
I helped build the Tower of Babel up as high as they were able
And there's many other things I haven't told

I taught Soloman his little A-B-C's
I helped Brigham Young to make limberger cheese
And while sailing down the bay with Methusala one day
I saved his flowing whiskers from the breeze

Queen Elizabeth, she fell in love with me
We were married in Milwaukee secretly
But I schemed around and shook her, then she went with General Hooker
To shoot mosquitoes down in Tenessee

I remember when the country had a king
I saw Cleopatra pawn her wedding ring
And I saw th flags a'flyin' when George Washington stopped lyin'
On the night when Patty first begin to sing

So, you see I am an educated man
To keep my brains inside my head I plan
Cause I been on earth so long, that I use to sing a song
While Abraham and Isaac played the band

[BigDon]

Hey!

[chrissy]

I know a few people like that!

[Larry Jacks]

It ain't bragging if you've done it.

[mugaliens]

It ain't bragging if you've done it.

[Click Ticker]

I certainly appreciate everyones good humor on this. I was debating posting it or not. I thought it was funny and complimentary of some amazing life experiences I've read about on this forum. But I could see it being taken another way as well.

[mike alexander]

You mean we were being nice?

[Click Ticker]

You mean we were being nice?

Shhh...

Beats getting banned.

[suntrack2]

I was born ten thousand years ago
And there's nothing in this world that I don't know
I saw Peter, Paul, and Moses playing ring around the roses
And I'll lick the guy that say it isn't so

I saw Satan when he looked the garden o'er
I saw Eve and Adam driven from the door
And behind the bushes peepin', saw the apple they were eatin'
And I swear that I'm the guy that ate the core

I saw Jonah when he was within the whale
And thought he'd never live to tell the tale
But old Jonah'd eaten garlic, and he gave the whale the colic
So he coughed him up and let him out of jail

I saw Israel in the battle of the Nile
The arrows were flying thick and fast and wild
I saw David with his sling pop Goliath on the wing
I was doing forty seconds to the mile

I saw Sampson when he laid the village cold
Saw Daniel tame the lions in their hold
I helped build the Tower of Babel up as high as they were able
And there's many other things I haven't told

I taught Soloman his little A-B-C's
I helped Brigham Young to make limberger cheese
And while sailing down the bay with Methusala one day
I saved his flowing whiskers from the breeze

Queen Elizabeth, she fell in love with me
We were married in Milwaukee secretly
But I schemed around and shook her, then she went with General Hooker
To shoot mosquitoes down in Tenessee

I remember when the country had a king
I saw Cleopatra pawn her wedding ring
And I saw th flags a'flyin' when George Washington stopped lyin'
On the night when Patty first begin to sing

So, you see I am an educated man
To keep my brains inside my head I plan
Cause I been on earth so long, that I use to sing a song
While Abraham and Isaac played the band

wow, what a nice poem, really a great composition.

[mike alexander]

The 'Bragging Song' goes way back (and forward. In 'Protector' Larry Niven added verses from the future:

I was born about ten thousand years from now
When men first land on the moon I'll show them how...

I'm the only tar who's e'er jumped ship
From Vandervecken's crew
And I guess that's just about
The strangest thing a man can do)

(edit)

Like many such songs there are alternate verses lying about. Much like Tom O' Bedlam.

[peteshimmon]

I was gonna sak if Mikes lines were newly
minted or from a reserve or borrowed.
With creditation to come some overcast day
Difficult to follow.

And another question I have never thought of
before, was Billy Liar a ripoff of
Walter Mitty?

[mike alexander]

Oops. Somehow I erased the link before posting, or forgot to ctrl-v. Good catch on that. Versions of The Bragging Song:
http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/so...gingsong.shtml

And here's a link to one of the variants of Tom O' Bedlam, while I'm at it:

http://home.blarg.net/~efreeman/Basement/TOB.html

SF writers seem drawn to this song. Bob Silverberg wrote a novel titled 'Tom O' Bedlam'; one of Poul Anderson's Flandry novels was titled 'A knight of Ghosts and Shadows'; and Alfred Bester used it to good effect in 'The Stars My Destination'.

[BigDon]

I certainly appreciate everyones good humor on this. I was debating posting it or not. I thought it was funny and complimentary of some amazing life experiences I've read about on this forum. But I could see it being taken another way as well.

I had to take it humorously as I, believe it or not, have been known to "expand" on the details of certain tales I relate on the internet.

[peteshimmon]

Incidentally, which certain people?

[Click Ticker]

Incidentally, which certain people?

A couple have posted in this thread. Mugaliens and Big Don have some very interesting stories. Outside this thread - I think Jay Utah operates in a world with a 36 hour day and an eight day week.

[LotusExcelle]

Jay is an automatomaton. BigDon doesn't embellish - he allows the full color of his tales to be revealed unhindered. Also I'm a swell guy.

[Click Ticker]

Jay is an automatomaton. BigDon doesn't embellish - he allows the full color of his tales to be revealed unhindered. Also I'm a swell guy.

Yea, but you got those tat's so I can't talk to you.

[peteshimmon]

And a supply of spare keyboards

[LotusExcelle]

Ha two tats one of which is rarely seen. Though honestly I post it on a few sites. And I can talk to myself allllllll day so there. And the ONE Amiga keyboard I have has to last a while as they are rarer than environmental policy.

[peteshimmon]

He is a mechanism that is a copy of a
mechanism? WOW! (now dont you dare edit)

[LotusExcelle]

Quite intentional and I think it was Homer of "before the Simpsons jumped the shark" time-frame that said it that way.

[Click Ticker]

It was this line that put me in mind of Mr. Utah:

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair.

[Fazor]

Quite intentional and I think it was Homer of "before the Simpsons jumped the shark" time-frame that said it that way.

I don't recall that line, and I'm a rabid season 1 through 13 fan. But I can't pretend to have every line from every episode memorised...just most of 'em.

[sarongsong]

The 'Bragging Song' goes way back (and forward...) Like many such songs...

Eerily reminiscent of Jimmy Webb's "Highwayman":

...Perhaps I may become a highwayman again
Or I may simply be a single drop of rain
But I will remain and I'll be back again and again and again
And again and again and again.

[BigDon]

Yea, but you got those tat's so I can't talk to you.

TATTOOS?

Why only the most depraved of individuals will graffiti-ize themselves like that in violation of the natural order. No right thinking blank man would voluntarily offer himself up to be scribbled on like a pre-school coloringbook.

And women! Don't get me started! Women are already the right color! Anything more is vandalism!

That's why you have to get the really cool ones.

Professional is better. Get the most expensive you can afford or are willing to spend. Getting cheap here can be a life-long mistake.

Think of it like getting cosmetic surgury.

That means don't let your cousin "Spike" tattoo you in a pool hall after a brew and a shooter. Needing reservations is a very good sign. If you don't breathe alcohol fumes all over them, the tattoo artists will like you better. If they like you better, they will do a better job. Same applies to B.O., patchoulli, and inane blathering. I'm given to understand taking a valium some 20 minutes prior to the actual work helps. For those of you with a prescription for valium. You very much want to be sober when you pick your tattoo out.

I just need one more. Mmmmm, maybe two. And some re-work. The paint and trim need touch up.