Finally, horoscopes that make sense!
Finally, horoscopes that make sense!
Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by ignorance or stupidity.
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Then there's this:
Mak the Nice: Horoscopes for Real People
Aquarius -- Jan. 20 - Feb. 18 -- You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be careless and impractical causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a real jerk.
Pisces -- Feb. 19 - Mar. 20 -- You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people torture small animals and pick their noses a lot.
Aries -- Mar. 21 - Apr. 20 -- You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a creep.
Taurus -- Apr. 21 - May 21 -- You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a self-promoting kiss-up.
Gemini -- May 21 - Jun. 20 -- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little This means you are a cheap son of a gun.
Cancer -- Jun. 21 - Jul. 22 -- You are sympathetic to and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be on welfare and won't ever be worth anything.
Leo -- Jul. 23 - Aug. 22 -- You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving creeps and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo -- Aug. 23 - Sep. 22 -- You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra -- Sep. 23 - Oct. 22 -- You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a human being, you are probably of indeterminate sexuality. Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most Libra women are street walkers. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio - Oct. 23 - Nov. 21 -- You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect creep. Most Scorpios are murdered.
Sagittarius -- Nov. 22 - Dec. 21 -- You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting the short end of the stick.
Capricorn -- Dec. 22 - Jan. 19 -- You are conservative and afraid to take risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
Uhh that libra women dig was low Maksutov
If it helps any, Mak is a Libra. So am I for that matter. In fact, I'm pretty sure I caught it from him.
I may have been born a Taurus, but reading that, I think I was conceived as a Leo...
Lacerta (Nov 15-Mar 32): You are a scaly little thing that creeps around on all fours. You eat insects and grubs. You will lose your tail next Tuesday.
Fornax (July 11-May 3): You are hot. When you are cooking you give off a warm glow for everybody around you. Whatever your color, you have a black body. Cookies for 15 min at 325 degrees.
Reticulum (Sept 17-Oct 0): You excel at protein synthesis. You receive messengers well and always find the right amino acid. Beware left-handed intruders.
Mensa (Feb 30-Mar19): You are brilliant, and make sure everyone around knows it. Your main interests are finding the next number in the sequence or figuring out which shape is unlike the others. You are attracted to other Menses.
Musca (June 3-Oct 18): You lift the world with your wings and contaminate its food with your droppings. Though you may be swatted down, others will always be there to replace you. As Mark Twain noted, you are one of those favored by God.
Camelopardalis (Dec 14-Thermidor 10): No matter that you may think of yourself as the Camel-Leopard, you’re just a Giraffe. Live with it.
Cancer (Kislet 8-Tammuz 21): Your best bet is to legally change your birth date.
Cassiopeia (Zeus 7-Apollo 13): You are very beautiful, but have a taste for bondage. Your desire to be rescued by a handsome man on a white horse suggests you accurately represent the average voter.
Tucana (May 29-Jan 13): You are obsessed with Froot Loops and have trouble spelling simple words. You really have to do something about that beak. I can recommend a plastic surgeon.
Sextans (March 4-At Ease 7): People get excited by your sign, but are inevitably disappointed when they learn all you are interested in is latitude. You are attracted to Horologium, but all he is interested in is longitude.
Pyxis (Aug 11-Oct 83): You constantly feel empty and unfulfilled by yourself. You were made for Circinus. At times you wonder how desperate someone could be for a constellation name to stick you with being a compass box.
Antlia (Jan 4-Jan 4): You suck.
Thank you, Mike, for the much needed laugh. Thank you, McDonalds, for the triple thick shake lacking the range to hit the monitor from my nostrils...
All of Mak's horoscopes apply. My mother must have given birth to me over a 12-month period.
The Modern Horoscope
The Skybox (Dallas 38-Baltimore 7): You appreciate luxury. You need a warm place to observe those lower than you shivering in the cold. You are less interested in the game than in the long legs of your current mistress sitting next to you, sipping champaigne.
The Flatscreen (Best Buy-999.95) Formerly Orion. You need to be surrounded by both light and sound. Reality is less important to you than a good computer-generated chase scene. You have found Plato’s Cave, and the shadows dancing on the wall are in color. You are attracted to the Pixel, especially the hot one.
The Stock Market (Bid 21-Asked 19): The beauty of this sign is that you can make it up as you go along. You are an optimist, which means you are able to suppress your analytical side in favor of investing in beaver tooth futures. October is not your good month.
The Hard Drive (Terabyte 1): You save everything, but can find nothing. You are heading for a crash, so back up quickly.
The Vista (Version 1.0): You are slow and bloated. You demand everyone around you conform to your ideas and blithely discard those who are too old or outdated. Your nemesis is the Bug, which you dismiss as an Undocumented Feature.
The Terrorist (Indefinite): You are everywhere, but nowhere. Your absence is proof of your ability to hide. Avoid the FBI, the CIA and Lou Dobbs.
The Internet (100.06.05.01): You appear to be much smarter than you actually are. You are the source of the definitive answer, even if there are several mutually contradictory ones. You bring much excitement into adolescent lives, at least until their parents check the History file.
The BAUT (Julian 2454333): You are interested in astronomy. Also cheese, movies and large explosions. You express distain for those who are not as enlightened as you are, especially if they express doubts about the market, nuclear fission, socialism, capitalism, Arp, love, hate and renewable energy. You are nonetheless quite loveable.
With the exception of Doodler.
Aries (March 21 -- April 19): That's better
Than what?Aries (March 21 -- April 19): That's better
thats the problem.
Who's on first (point of Aries)?