Amazing untrue records

[peteshimmon]

TWELVE PLUS ONE PHOBIA.

William S is completely ruled by this
condition. If the numbers in the price on
his grocery receipt add to this number he
knows to watch his step. He is on tenterhooks
while his gas meter numbers go through any
numbers adding to the frightful total. He
has to wait for a while if the numbers on
his bedside clock are the wrong total. He
is especially annoyed by any combination
of one, three and nine. They show up in
many disasters.

He had the first two numbers in the lottery
one evening. But the last two were those
numbers. Absolute proof of a black angel
having fun!

William is of course absolutely justified
in his fears.

[crosscountry]

Most people don't believe in Ghosts.

Recently a report from Ghoul Times announced a study that revealed 4/3 of all people don't believe in ghosts. The other 2/3 of people can't do math.

[mike alexander]

During his autopsy, it was discovered that Humpty Dumpty was, in fact, double-yolked.

Dumpty also holds the record for the world's largest omelet, although he never knew it.

[weatherc]

Amazing Untrue Records Contributor Who Has Gone the Longest Between Posting Untrue Records

BAUT forum member weatherc hasn't posted an actual untrue record since October of 2007.

Wait, this one might actually be true...but only if weatherc actually posts an actual untrue record later...

[Senor Molinero]

NEUTRON'S LACTIC THEORY OF PLANETARY FORMATION

Sir Isaac Neutron (discoverer of the Neutron Star *), noticing how closely the full moon resembled a ripe camembert, swiflty extrapolated this observation to other celestial bodies.
Turning the newly-invented telemoscope (Marc-Ono Googly-Elmo 1747) towards the planet Mars, he observed a fuzzy red-orange disc.
As noted in his epic dissertation "Astronecronomicom Factotum Lactotum 1762" "'Tis either a Stilton or a Red Lester, I'll be bound."

* Not to be confused with the Neutron Dance, which was discovered by the Pointer Sisters.

[peteshimmon]

LONGEST LASTING JAR OF MARMITE.

When he left home, Henry promised his mother
he would have some of this product every day.
He went away clutching the jar she gave him.
Now 42 years later he has used it up.

[mike alexander]

World's Largest Wind-Up Particle Collider

The Alternating Gradient Springotron near Potatoduck, Long Island, New York, has just completed a five-year conversion from electric to mechanical power.

The mainspring is almost 400 feet across and is attached to an anchor escapement over thirty feet tall (with maintaining power), the largest such escapement ever built. The going train gears average eleven feet in diameter and can handle enough torque to lift a monster truck to the height of a large saguaro cactus.

After certification by the Swiss Institute of Chronometry, the AGS will also be the largest device ever built to earn the 'chronometer' certificate.

At full power, the AGS will be able to collide small animals (under three pounds) at speeds approaching 0.000003 c, enough to ensure quite a mess. The Dunking Booth Detector will also allow graduate students to plop senior scientists into a tank of water by firing baseballs (or antibaseballs) at a small target next to the seat holding the scientist.

The first winding is expected in April, as soon as the winding key (itself over fifty feet long) is delivered.

[peteshimmon]

LARGEST BUMP DAYS TIMES POSTS ON BAUT.

It is beleived that this bump is the largest
product of days this thread has had no posts
multiplied by total posts, on BAUT!

[peteshimmon]

ALTERNATIVE CHORUS.

Swiftly traipsing, degenerates waiting
Neutrino sheets about to hit
Off in our galaxy so far away
Interesting interplay
A pretty straightforward X-Ray burst
Moderately signalling new data
Hardly ever repeating again
How are we supposed to see
This ever so neat display of glee
Why use these brilliant new spacecraft
And provide a glow of new insights.



Mainstream are composing songs now, got to
be swift about these tricks

[Gandalf223]

Most Energy Spent Thrashing Against the Current, Without Ever Going Anywhere

Mr. Albert X. Q. Dumbler of Toledo, posting on BAUT using numerous sock puppets, once had seven of his personas arguing with one another in the same ATM thread. After he learned that the logical vectors of all his sock puppets added up to a perfect circle, he realized he was going nowhere and has not been heard from since.

[aastrotech]

From Mad magazine

A man who survived drilling a world record 7 holes in his head with a power drill died today from drilling 8 holes in his head with a power drill.

[DonM435]

You know what they say: That man needs a prefrontal lobotomy like he needs a hole in the head.

[peteshimmon]

LARGEST CONCENTRATION OF METAL DETECTORS.

Milton Keynes in Buckinghamshire where 50-60%
of households own such a device. Apparently
vendors are putting out a story about buried
silver being somewhere under the town.

[mike alexander]

LONGEST BLUFF

LeMay Curtiss of Zanesville, Ohio, told his mother in May 1972 that if he didn't get a G I Joe Action figure he would hold his breath until he did. Now 47 years old, he is still holding his breath. His mother Irma, now 74, still refuses to purchase him the figure. "He has to learn who's boss," she said.

[peteshimmon]

LONGEST SEA VOYAGE BY POUND COIN.

Albert Woodley put a pound coin and a note in
a bottle and dropped it over the side of a
channel ferry between France and Britain. It
drifted out into the Atlantic and down south.
It rounded the cape into the Indian ocean and
floated across to Western Australia. A native
found the bottle on the beach and had the coin.
The note continued its journey when the tide
came in.

[mike alexander]

WORLD'S LEAST INTERESTING SCANDAL

Danish Folketinget member Haagen Bjerg was found to have left the window of his wife's car open in a parking lot, allowing the driver's seat to get wet during a brief rainstorm. Instead of confessing to his moment of forgetfulness, Bjerg concocted a story about hooligans breaking into his car and running down the window to embarrass him. His famous reply, "It depends upon what the meaning of 'Havarti' is," led to calls for him to wear his underwear over his trousers for a week while Parliament was in session. He refused, and resigned to become a beekeeper.

A poll taken a month later showed that 68% of the voters in his district did not know he had resigned. 79% of all voters had no idea he had been their representative in the first place, just 17% less then the average American voter.

[mike alexander]

WORLD'S MOST AMAZING BAGUETTE

A loaf of bread purchased in the neighborhood bakery of Jaques Braille in the Montmorillonite section of the 103rd Arrondissement of Paris clearly shows images of Moses, Siddhartha Buddha, Zoroaster, Jesus, Mohammad (not image, just letters spelling out his name), Joseph Smith, Mary Baker Eddy and Reverend Ike. Mille. Moulin Rouge, who purchased the loaf, said that the images, appearing in proper historical sequence, had punctured her normal air of superior Parisian detachment and made her a true believer in something, even if she wasn't quite sure what.

A friend, M. Jaquard Loome, said that she was mistaken, and that if she were to turn the loaf upside down she would see that there were actually images of the last eight winners of the NASCAR title.

At last report, religionists and stock car racers had bid the price of the loaf up to $13,500 on ebay.

[uncommonsense]

Most Consecutive Ticketed Viewings of The Flinstones on Ice.

Seymore Reiysbic, of Lima, Ohio, between the years 1976 and 1979, attended all 564 Hanna Barbera concerts across - 26 states; each one, as a paying cusomer!

"I was mezmorized by every single show", says Reiysbic, "with each Double Axel Sow Cow, by Barney, and every "Dino belly flop" off the zamboni, I just couldn't get the smile off my face"!

Seymore first became infatuated with the series when he was just 3 years old. He soon started collecting everything Flinstones, from Bam-bam dolls to Life size Loyal Order of the Water Buffaloes hats.

"When I was real young, I remember seeing the first few episodes of The Flinstones over at my step-mother's house" "I'd see Fred and Barney fluttering their feet back and forth across the ground real fast, to a realy fast drum beat, in order to get their cars moving". "Or If they were being chased around a corner their feet would be slipping and fluttering in the direction they wanted to to turn". "So I always thout they were on ice!" "You know, the ice age and all - Cave men?" "So this has been a dream come true for me, you know?" " A four year long dream - and all my best friends are right there in it: I don't think I want to wake up".

Sources say Kandra Perry, a professional skater who played the part of Wilma Flinstone for three-and-a-half of four years it took Reiysbic to set his record, petitioned the I.A.U. to issue Seymore an official recognition for his efforts.

[mike alexander]

WEAKEST ARGUMENT FOR THE ANTHROPIC PRINCIPLE

Prof. Melvin Poinker has put forth the hypothesis that if the Universe wasn't exactly the way it is, it would have to be something else. Since there are infinitely many something elses, the way it is is so improbable that it cannot exist. Since it does exist, there is a logical contradiction. Since only humans can operate smoothly while holding a logical contradiciton, this proves the Universe was made for humans.

Prof. Poinker's paper can be found on the back of the Wheaties box with the picture of Tiger Woods on the front.

[uncommonsense]

WEAKEST ARGUMENT FOR THE ANTHROPIC PRINCIPLE

Prof. Melvin Poinker has put forth the hypothesis that if the Universe wasn't exactly the way it is, it would have to be something else. Since there are infinitely many something elses, the way it is is so improbable that it cannot exist. Since it does exist, there is a logical contradiction. Since only humans can operate smoothly while holding a logical contradiciton, this proves the Universe was made for humans.

Prof. Poinker's paper can be found on the back of the Wheaties box with the picture of Tiger Woods on the front.

That was Hilarious

[peteshimmon]

It was also horribly logical, self-evidently
true and mathematically sound! If Mike gets
the Nobel Prize for posting here I will be
well pi...annoyed.

A small ray of hope, the almost infinite
number of something elses might only add up
to 0.99999....etc.

[mike alexander]

It was also horribly logical, self-evidently
true and mathematically sound! If Mike gets
the Nobel Prize for posting here I will be
well pi...annoyed.

A small ray of hope, the almost infinite
number of something elses might only add up
to 0.99999....etc.

But everybody knows that 0.99999... equals 1.

[uncommonsense]

Only if your rational.

[uncommonsense]

Dinner to Boot

The results from the 2007 Dinner to Boot exebition were finaly released after being held uder a judge's gag order for more than two years. For those unfamiliar, participants attempt to lift their own bodies up off the ground by pulling up on their own boot straps.

No other force is allowed. The longest one in the air wins:

A financial contribution to the charity of their choice

An Introduction to Logic and Critical Thinking text book

dinner for four at the Outback Steak House.

This years winners are (well, 2007 winners)*

4 min, 37 sec. TONY ROBBINS
1 min, 14 sec BEAR GRYLLS
11 sec. KEITH RICHARDS


*RICHARDS SIMMONS, disqualified for rule vilation: use of tactical gear during the competition

[Gillianren]

Only if your rational.

Only if your rational what?

[NEOWatcher]

Only if your rational what?

I thought he was talking to me about my own rational.

[peteshimmon]

ALARM CLOCK RECORD ATTEMPT.

Walter Clunes attempted to set 1000 alarm
clocks in a central London hall. After
11 hours, 59 minutes he had set 989 clocks.
He then hoofed it to protect his hearing.

Reporters described his stunt as a Springtime
Awakening for Timeservers Everywhere.

[mike alexander]

HIGHEST PARACHUTE JUMP ATTEMPT

Mr. Beppo Saxe of Liguria, Italy will attempt a parachute jump from the moon to the surface of the earth as soon as he arranges transportation to the moon.

Planning to make the jump when the moon is directly overhead, Mr. Saxe said that he "Will just wait until I'm at the top, then let go."

[NEOWatcher]

Planning to make the jump when the moon is directly overhead, Mr. Saxe said that he "Will just wait until I'm at the top, then let go."

That's going to take some effort. With the moon going around at over 1000mph, the wind resistance is going to be horrible.

[peteshimmon]

Another reactionary who still believes in
the Aether!