Honored Member
MOST UNEXPECTED THEOLOGICAL DISCOVERY
After years of research and analysis, Rev. Larry Bird of French Lick, Indiana, has determined that God looks exactly like L. Ron Hubbard. "I was as surprised as anyone," he said. "I always assumed He looked like Jeffry Hunter, but there you go."
Rev. Bird noted that the resemblance was just pure coincidence, and that Mr. Hubbard was not God. Whether God is a Scientologist or not remains obscure.
Honored Member
MOST ASYMMETRICAL ANIMAL
The bass fiddler crab (callinectes mingus) has a right claw that averages over seven feet long. Attached to a body less than six inches across the crustacean is astonishingly adept at catching prey as large as mature bonita, but invariably starves to death because it cannot reach its mouth.
Charles Darwin felt that the bass fiddler crab was an excellent example of evolution, arguing that divine creation would be incapable of producing such a complete screw-up. He examined hundreds of specimens over the years, usually accompanied by a large container of drawn butter.
Honored Member
Actually, Darwin thought the bass fidddler crab was a complete cock-up. Alfred Russel Wallace thought it was a complete screw-up. Although he agreed about the butter.
Order of Kilopi
MOST PUZZLING DISSAPEARANCE
Police are still baffled by the disappearance of Arnold Beauchamp of Asphyxia, Wyoming. His estranged wife reported him missing Friday, after he failed to pick up their daughter for her weekend visit. Police entered the Beauchamp home, and after a thorough search found a hidden door in the basement with a sign that read Dam Scientist Lab. After cutting thorough six reinforced doors, the police came to a lab mostly filled with a machine labeled 'god machine,' and one malnourished but quite friendly poodle.
Ms. Beauchamp could not identify the poodle, but did state that she expected the police to find her husband in the lab. Police have offered a $10000 reward for anyone who knows the current whereabouts of Mr. Beauchamp.
Honored Member
MOST EMBARRASSING NAVAL VICTORY
In 1814, the American frigate Constitution met and defeated the French vessel Derriere.
MOST WELL-EARNED NOBEL PRIZE IN ECONOMICS
The 2007a Nobel Prize in Economics was awarded to Sven Gulagssohn of Sweden, whose grade school essay "Why if I Won the Nobel Prize I Would be Rich" was cited for its insightful examination of the relationship between having a large amount of money and wealth, as well as a pony, finally.
ODDEST SALUTATION
The traditional greeting between the Snorknase people of Bavaria, "Ihre Hintern als Reisbrei gesmellt!" puzzled philolologists for many years, until Dr. Vernor Gingerbier visited one of their homes and was invited to sit in a large vat of rice pudding.
WORST STAND-UP COMEDIAN
In the opening for his nightclub routine, Chthulu would always say, "I'm glad to see so many people here tonight... BECAUSE I'M HUNGRY!"
MOST POTENTIALLY INTERESTING NEW CONSUMER PRODUCT
Samolsung has introduced the multicellular phone, and has indicated that by early 2009 it expects to have a model with a primitive notochord.
Order of Kilopi
A BRITISH MONUMENT.
Arnold Sachaven is rowing out to the
abandoned Mulberry harbour thingy in the
water off Hayling Island to carve bas-reliefs
of promenent British Prime Ministers Clement
Attlee, Harold Wilson and Tony Blair. Nearby
residents on the Island have protested that
Winston Churchill should be included as he
invented the concept. But Alnold thinks the
thing has been a secret monument to the
wartime leader anyway. This has molified the
residents as they concluded in the pub that
he was equivalent to three other leaders of
any party.
Order of Kilopi
A SEA STORY.
Roland Stanton had his girlfriend Sue along
for an afternoons sailing. She loved the
feeling when they sailed into the waves but
tacking sideways on made her seasick. Roland
said that it must be the pitch that gives
the pleasure but the yaw that gets the blame.
She was even sicker all over him.
Established Member
Originally Posted by Maksutov
Thanks, this made me cry with laughter.
Order of Kilopi
Most Unformulaic Soap Opera
No Entry.
Most Ambiguous Amazing Untrue Record
The most ambiguous amazing untrue record is the one for Most Unformulaic Soap Opera. Some argue that there is no entry because all soap operas are equally formulaic. Others argue that it refers to the Hayling Island-based soap opera No Entry, which at the time of writing is being broadcast on Flannel TV at 1pm and repeated at 6.30pm on a Tuesday and a Thursday.
No Entry is set in a road sign factory which specialises in No Entry signs. The factory is run by hard-nosed Frank Gribbins, whose wife Celia is having an affair with Monty Banks, the manager of a rival road sign factory (improbably located less than a mile away). Cecil Banks, his brother, is apparently gay but in denial, whereas their sister Lucinda is apparently an alcoholic but in denial. Meanwhile young Tom Scribbins has been forced by peer pressure to engage in job riding and... Well, you get the idea.
Honored Member
WORST MUSICAL DERIVED FROM ANOTHER SOURCE
The second-worst musical was Godot!, which opened on Broadway in October 1974. It opened on Broadway because no theatre owner would let it inside. Its signature song, "Waiting...", is reminiscent of the duet from The Pearl Fishers, mainly due to being sung as a duet by Vladimir and Estragon and nothing else, really:
Moron!
Vermin!
Abortion!
Morpion!
Sewer-rat!
Curate!
Cretin!
Critic!
Oh!
The song is then reprised, with the actors switching lines. Unlike the original play, Godot actually does arrive, and sings the closing number The Boys Are Back in Town!, stolen from Thin Lizzy's Jailbreak album. But then, everybody has stolen The Boys Are Back in Town!.
The worst musical was Cats.
Honored Member
WORLD'S MOST FRUSTRATED BLUES MUSICIAN
Thomas Johnston, of Clarksdale, MS, met the Devil at the crossroads of Routes 61 and 6 at midnight on October 13, 1926. Johnston planned to sell his soul in exchange for becoming the world's greatest blues jug player. The Devil, after accepting ownership of Johnston's soul, appraised its worth and immediately made Johnston tone deaf.
Johnston spent the rest of his days in Southaven, Mississippi (just south of Memphis) recording commercials for local radio station WDCL, and in West Memphis, Arkansas reciting live commercials for KXVI.
While working in the radio field he invented the first cantilevered brassiere, the rights to which were later bought from him for $5 by a mysterious stranger with long fingernails.
Honored Member
ALWAYS good to hear from our foreign correspondent!
Honored Member
Whereas our reporters from Canada, land of the beaver, moose, marten, and bear, would be furrin' correspondents, eh?
Established Member
You're just totally unrepentant, aren't you Peteshimmon? OK, take this:
A child was born with severe birth defects. It had no arms, legs, or torso - just a compact area of vital organs immediately under the chin. They could only determine the sex of the child by genetic testing. It turned out to be a boy. The disappointed but devoted parents took the child home, and named him Bob. He began to talk in a matter of months, and the parents soon realized Bob was a genius. They hired tutors for him, who had to read volumes and volumes aloud to him since he could not turn pages. He studied computer technology extensively, and by the time he was eight he had devised a system in which a video camera monitored his eyes, and he could send binary commands by blinking and directional commands with his eyeballs. With this development his studies leaped ahead, and with the advance of voice recognition technology he achieved another quantum leap. His parents and teachers were all impressed with his motivation, but little did they know he had an ulterior goal.
Needless to say, he went to an elite college (carried to classes by his devoted older brother), achieved an incredible academic record, and was accepted to medical school. While the professors debated endlessly whether he could ever become a practicing doctor, he showed great aptitude for surgical technology and research. He observed surgery at every opportunity and made many astute observations and some brilliant suggestions, which were incorporated into surgical procedures. He also had many friends and admirers.
Upon completing medical school Bob was hired by a major surgical hospital as a researcher and consultant. He specialized in transplant technology. During all of this time he was working secretly on his great plan. One day he called a meeting of the most eminent and trusted transplant specialists, and revealed his secret: a procedure for the transplanting of his head to a complete human body, which could be carried out in the event that a suitable donor might die of head injuries. The other doctors reviewed his work and were doubtful of the procedure being successful. However they viewed it as a great professional challenge. Moreover they welcomed the prospect of Bob becoming a whole person, thinking of what great things he could then accomplish for medicine.
Years went by without a suitable donor. During all this time Bob improved his procedure and made many contributions to other transplant surgery; his hospital and team achieved many firsts in the field.
Finally the day arrrived: an otherwise healthy person died of a head injury, and was quickly brought to the special operating room. Bob was brought in and the chief surgeon said, "This is it, Bob." Bob replied, "Good luck, gentlemen, and thank you for your support and friendship, whatever happens." They went right to work, with Bob watching on an overhead monitor and giving instructions. The trickiest part was connecting his tiny vital organs to their counterparts, or removing them entirely and making new connections in accordance with Bob's research. They worked intently for sixteen hours.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Then Bob died.
The moral of the story is . . .
.
.
.
.
.
Order of Kilopi
Mmmm...you hae reminded me of a horrible
horror film broadcast some 30 years ago and
never since...The Head. I suppose the moral
is about not bashing your head against
impossible ghouls. Mmmm...
HAYLING ISLAND GHOSTS APPEAR!
Last night, 32 residents accross the island
reported apparitions in the night. They are
possibly the spirits of a band of smuggers
who where drowned off the island 300 years
ago. At the time island residents were said
to be very tipsy for several months afterwards
but Customs could never find any contraband
anywhere.
Established Member
No, the moral of the story is . . .
.
.
.
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.
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.
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Quit while you're a head.
Order of Kilopi
Yes OKAnd I forgot to mention that the
islanders where known to be keen bird watchers
at the time of this 300 hundred year old
event and that the victims might have survived
if they could bring the goods ashore at safe
times. So it was the twitchers who got the
pleasure and the law that got the blame!
Established Member
Most frustrated last-word freak
Dang, 10 minutes 'til quitting time and I'm going away for the weekend . . . can't let him have the last word . . . must think of another story I can type in 5 minutes . . . . . . AAARRRRRGHHH!
Honored Member
As they say in American football: Drop back ten yards and pun.
Honored Member
GORE WINS NOBEL PRIZE
Bogdan Gore, dough-thrower at Nobel's Pizza shop on Kelly's Island, Ohio, was awarded the Monthly Nobel Piece Prize by owner Giovanni Barcarole for his perfect crusts, making "Every piece a true delight."
"Gore earned the Nobel Piece Prize for his ability to take a soft mass of doughy material and by expert punching and spinning create an artifact as wide as it it thin," Mr. Barcarole said. But he discounted Mr. Gore's theory of more rapid crustal warming being due to the extra carbon dioxide given off by the addition of more yeast to the dough. "Bogdan can throw a mean pie, but that doesn't make him an expert on the effects of increased carbon dioxide on crustal heating. Besides, it's much easier to explain by realizing I turned up the ovens twenty degrees."
The Nobel Piece Prize is accompanied by a certificate for one extra-large pie with up to two additional toppings. Mr. Gore said he intends to donate the prize to the International Pizza Cooks Consortium (IPCC).
Last edited by mike alexander; 2007-Oct-13 at 12:01 AM. Reason: removed header that would mean nothing to most people here
Order of Kilopi
Could this be the first ever thread to refer to you-know-what without being locked? I hope so...
Honored Member
Oh, God, did I inadvertently mention pizza?
Honored Member
Everyone want apizza the pie!
Established Member
Okay, I've been lurking on this forum for years but this thread - this very one! - has finally prompted me to sign up. Greetings y'all.
The world's most Mexican Italian
Juan Domingo Perez, an Acapulco primary school teacher, became the most Mexican Italian in 1997 when he was granted full citizenship in that country due to a computer error. Perez, 29, has never left Mexico and can only speak Spanish and a little bit of English. Upon receiving his Italian passport in the mail Perez made himself spaghetti using chipotle peppers and black beans as ingredients, which he then rolled up in a tortilla and ate.
Worst cookies ever
A panel of third-graders in Grand Junction, Colorado recently unanimously voted Ludmilla Vilchenko's frosted potato and gorgonzola biscuits as the worst cookies ever. The vote was unanimous with 8-year-old Georgy Vilchenko abstaining.
These are too much fun.
- J
Order of Kilopi
And may I bid you a very warm welcome, Jay200MPH! Bienvenu, as they say in Leg Language. I am delighted that my thread persuaded you to go from lurker to active member. I hope we shall see many more contributions from you, here and in the rest of BAUT.
Honored Member
I'm not so sure about this Jay fellow. Claims to be from Canada? Then why not Jay 320KPH? And I grew up due south of London, Ontario, where he claims to reside, but never heard of him. I watched CFPL all the time and he wasn't mentioned once.
Until these glaring inconsistencies can be adequately explained, I must assume that "Jay200MPH" is actually a sock puppet for "Hayling Sam", who most people here would remember if their memories hadn't been wiped by the use of DARPA's 'flicker-screen subconscious' method of-
But I've said too much, already.
Order of Kilopi
Just clearing out a few things...
BEST LIVESTOCK BARGAIN EVER.
At a southern England market town some 40 years
ago. A mule was exchanged for five chickens
(4 hens and a cockerel). A caged rabbit was
thrown in to clinch the deal. It was said that
a mule and its bunny are soon bartered!
MOST ARRESTING NET POSTING EVER.
On this very thread (post 119). It bemused and
bewitched readers who then were disinclined to
post themselves. The spell was only broken by
a further post from the same poster to the
effect that the post was not that bad. Showing
he completely failed to recognise the
magnitude of his acheivement.
WORLDS MOST PATHETIC RECYCLING EFFORT.
Peter collected hundreds of paper bags when
buying magazines in the eighties. They formed
a pile 3 inches high. They were used for
emptying vacuum cleaner dust into before the
bag was put in the refuse bag. It was pointed
out he was still just throwing the bags away
but I ...er...um..Pete insists he gets a bit
more utility from each bag.
Honored Member
BEST RANT ABOUT SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE CAN UNDERSTAND
In the 'FAnFEedBAck' column in the online version of <SportsWorldMag>, Cadmus Smith of North Westerbury wrote:
“It is beyond conception that Pringle, the best BH in the WQFDS standings would allow a derailled pinquick to immobilize both the DH ***AND*** the BFG at crosscourt while SIMULTANEOUSLY permitting the jacktoss from the goalbumper to defenestrate OUR OWN ¼!!!!! What kind of BRAIN-DEAD IDIOT backstands in the Purple Zone without clearing the bott??? And THEN he torques the lever! And McGillian DID NOT PROTEST!!! Instead, he snapped the briz OVER the quid, fumbled his inner watch and completed the disaster by moving into the flat WITHOUT THE BLUE CIRCLE!!!!!
If the Rickburners continue with this sort of play, I’ll be requesting a full refund of my season pass!
Honored Member
WORLD'S GREATEST PROOF TEST
In 1869 Calvin Hobbes invented a way of using steam power to drill into rock. This proved to be useful for carving out railroad tunnels.
The owners of the C&O railroad were interested in this invention, but were skeptical of the inventor's claims. They decided to arrange a controlled experiment to determine if the steam machine was superior, both time-based and monetarily, to the manual method of carving tunnels.
The C&O owners contacted one of their best manual laborers, a Mr. Henry, to see if he would be willing to participate in the experiment. Contemporary accounts relate that Mr. Henry whistled when he heard the offer and accepted in a song-like voice. Mr. Henry's offer to demonstrate his pick and shovel abilities during the test was declined by the railroad officials.
Having two weeks to prepare for the event, Mr. Henry would often leave his home early in the morning and travel to a nearby mountain, where he would hone his skills and improve his cardiovascular conditioning on an outcrop of siderite. The steam machine inventor meanwhile busied himself with fine-tuning and lubricating his drill, stating that he was of the opinion that the mechanism was "mighty fine".
The day of contest the steam drill managed to penetrate nine feet in the allotted time, while Mr. Henry hammered through twelve feet and was declared the victor. However, the ultimate outcome of the experiment was affected by Mr. Henry's untimely demise at the conclusion of the contest, which was attributed to the strain on his cardiac muscles caused by his almost superhuman effort.
Therefore the C&O railroad owners decided to purchase a number of steam drills and use them to replace the manual laborers who had been cutting railroad tunnels up to that time. Mr. Hobbes was bought out by the railroad people for $230,000 cash.
Mr. Henry was brought to a cemetery near a local railroad right-of-way. The cemetery caretaker's house had recently been painted an off-white. Mr. Henry was buried in a sandy area, with appropriate rites by his family. These participants included his widow Polly Ann Henry, who later became an employee of the railroad. No railroad officials attended the service
Last edited by Maksutov; 2007-Oct-15 at 11:57 AM. Reason: typo
Established Member
Isn't that Quidditch?
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