Amazing untrue records

[mike alexander]

MOST AMAZING FAST FOOD
Recently introduced by Burger Duke, the Triple Bacon Cheezburgr is notable for containing nothing but bacon and cheese (‘cheez’). Market research showed that the American eating public will buy anything with bacon in it, and eat anything with cheez melted over it, including the Manhattan Yellow Pages and sun-dried clay bricks (“You deserve a brick today!”). Echoing dittys of ad campaigns past, the new song extolling the Triple Bacon Cheezburgr is:

“Three strips of bacon
Bacon cheez bacon bacon bacon
Bacon on a slab o’ hot cheez!”

If initial response from the fast-food public is any indication, it’s time to invest in pork bellies.

[Siguy]

MOST IRONIC WAY TO DIE
The shuttle carrying astronaut Ben Norman Drudgewell exploded on re-entry 100,000m above Minnesota. Ben was knocked out and amazingly re-entered Earth's atmosphere on a chunk of the shuttle's hull. He landed in Darwin, Minnesota (the town known for having the largest ball of twine in Minnesota, immortalized in the Weird Al song "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota") where he was successfully resuscitated. While reaching for his keys after a long trip to his home in up-state New York, he was killed instantly after being impaled by a piece of his shuttle.

The rest of the crew survived as they were not on the shuttle at the time. There was a party at the ISS and they'd had too many space beers.

[Senor Molinero]

MOST EMBARRASSING CASE OF INDIGESTION
Probably the most embarrassing case of indigestion ever occurred when Simba the Lion swallowed his pride.

Sprayed my coffee all over the monitor. ROFL.

[peteshimmon]

NEW SECURITY CLASSIFICATION FOR EVERYBODY.

It has long been known that official
documents can carry various levels of
classification indicating the sensitive
nature of the printed material. They range
from Restricted (for the cleaning personel)
to Secret, Top Secret, Very Top Secret,
Ultra Top Secret, Cosmic Eyes Only, and
If You Read This You Are Dead Unless You
Are The No. Ten Press Secretary!
What is not well known is that the
classifications are for the various ranks
in the civil service and to make them wake
up a bit and concentrate. Now this principle
is required to be implimented in official
pamphlets for the general public. Therefore
a new heading is to be printed on goverment
literature to help insure people read
carefully. The new general heading will
be SEXMONEYBECKHAMBILLY. It may change
occasionally. It will ensure information
is efficiently disseminated.

[mike alexander]

MOST UNUSUAL ORGAN
Physiologists continue to be stumped at the function of the bronk, a small mass of encapsulated tissue in the pancreas, located about eight degrees south and 13 degrees west of the islets of Langerhans.

The bronk appears to do nothing, prompting one expert to suggest its name be changed to the Ceo, but nothing has come of this. It has been noted that the small group of persons who posess a bronk are unusually serene and appear to live an exceptionally long time, with ages over one hundred years not uncommon. This has led to a call for a law requiring the removal of the bronk from persons having one, on the grounds that if everyone cannot be happy and live for a long time, nobody should.

[mike alexander]

MOST UNUSUAL DEITY
The Twitt people of Equatorial Lumbago appear to be unique in that when they pray to their god he answers them.

“Oh, yes,” Chief Fire explained to visiting anthropologists, “We just say, ‘God, I could really use some help with this’, and god replies, ‘No problem, you just hold it steady and I’ll do the rest’. It’s quite convenient.”

Their god is reported to be quite informal, requiring no kneeling or sacrifices and insisting his name not be capitalized. “We tried offering him some sacrifices but he told us that since he is god he already has everything, and he doesn’t need the extra clutter. He appreciated the gesture, though. He is also slightly embarrassed when people ask for him in a servile, supplicant manner. One time I had cut my foot while adzing out a dugout canoe and I yelled, ‘Oh, God, I implore you to take mercy on my unworthy, bleeding foot and help me’. He just said that he’s always happy to help someone out and it made him uncomfortable to be beseeched in such a manner. He healed my foot and suggested I change my stance to make it safer. A really nice guy. And just like sacrifices, he never takes a tip. ”

Western theologians who have examined the Twitts find that their conception of a Divine Presence is mired at a primitive level of understanding, and intend to send missionaries to enlighten them. "What do expect from a bunch of Twitts?" the Archbishop of Canterbury sniffed, reaching for his censer.

[Senor Molinero]

MOST POINTLESS EXERCISE

The only purpose of this entry is to keep this thread on the front page.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

Least. Pointless. Exercise.

This. Post. Has. Many. Points.

...

[Maksutov]

WORLD'S LOWEST HIGH POINT

The nation of Slobovia, whose capital is the former city-state of Wiener-am-Bun, and a legendary part of the state of Austro-Bungary, which was allied, until 1869, with the Holy Roamin' Empire, boasts the lowest high point of any country.

This high point is Mt. Alwaysactive, which is just inside the borders with Waldenland and Amazonia. It peeks out at 314 meters below mean sea level or kind sea level, which ever is higher. Most of the high points of a country "peak out" but in the case of Slobovia's apex, it's located in the middle of an open pit barbecue mine, with all the Slobovian land around it being lower. This area is called the Low Country and displays many erosion features, locally called "gullahs".

Thus not only does Mt. Alwaysactive peek out, but it is the sauce of Slobovia's mainstream exports, including W.a.B. Masterpiece.

[Nicolas]

I have dreamed about being chased by an angry mob because I was smarter than everyone else and they thought I was a freak.

LOL! Can't beat that one.

I have dreamed about running into a room and shrinking to the size of a bug.

Can't beat that, I've only shrunk to the size of a dog. (I'm not making this up, I actually dreamt that...)

I have dreamed about traveling to Egypt many times, visiting the pyramids and meeting Zahi Hawass.

I can beat that one! I travelled to Egypt with my SO and cheated on her with Cleopatra. Ha! (Again, I'm not making this up... )

I have dreamed about solving mysteries with Sherlock Holmes.

I think I have too, but it must have been a long time ago.

I have dreamed about walking into what looked like an ordinary school library, but not one that I had ever visited in real life. This was just before I started school this year and I was feeling nervous. Inside I met Ernest Shackleton and we talked and he told me that everything would be okay as long as I didn't give up.

Are you Lisa Simpson?

[mike alexander]

I have dreamed about walking into what looked like an ordinary school library, but not one that I had ever visited in real life. This was just before I started school this year and I was feeling nervous. Inside I met Ernest Shackleton and we talked and he told me that everything would be okay as long as I didn't give up.

Amazing. I was in the same library but ran into Roald Amundsen, who tried to explain something but since I don't speak Swedish it was all Greek to me. Then Lincoln Ellsworth came up and told Roald to stop showing off and speak his native Norwegian. It turned out he was just somplaining about how hard it is to get good, hand-rolled cigars nowadays at a decent price.

[mike alexander]

This area is called the Low Country and displays many erosion features, locally called "gullahs".

Amazingly, many gullahs can also be found in the low country of South Carolina and Georgia.

[KaiYeves]

Amazing. I was in the same library but ran into Roald Amundsen, who tried to explain something but since I don't speak Swedish it was all Greek to me. Then Lincoln Ellsworth came up and told Roald to stop showing off and speak his native Norwegian. It turned out he was just somplaining about how hard it is to get good, hand-rolled cigars nowadays at a decent price.

Interesting. Did this library have a mosaic on a wall? Mine did.
I also had this really great daydream that I turned into a short story about being my usual hyper-running-to-and-fro and spouting facts museum self in the National Air and Space Museum in D.C. when I ran into Carl Sagan.

[peteshimmon]

BLANK STAMPS!

A special issue of blank stamps is shortly to
be issued. Different prices will be indicated
by the size of stamp. They will still have
the invisibe magnetic layer and be sticky one
side. A spokesperson said the design is "very
peaceful" and has never been used before. A
reporter asked if the word design indicated
a commission to a designer. The spokesperson
said yes and it was money well spent.

[KaiYeves]

Most Mysterious Disapearence
On 21 May 2007, the girls middle school track team of Carmel, New York had stopped to eat at a McDonalds, having successfly won an important meet. Kristen Joran asked
"Every time I eat here, I get hungry all over again and want to come back. Why is that? Is there something in the food?"
Her friend, Joanna Carter, who had just watched Super Size Me in health class the previous week, began to explain the unatural chemical make-up of a big mac. Suddenly, two men in buisness suits with dark glasses appeared behind their table and explained that they worked for the government. They asked to see Joanna, who complied and walked into a side room with them. Joanna Carter has not been seen since.
The moral of the story- don't eat at McDonalds.

[Maksutov]

It could have been worse...they could have bought tea in Brewster.

[mike alexander]

TRUE HAPPINESS
After centuries of looking, researchers have discovered that true happiness is achieved by sitting in a comfortable chair on a large porch in the evening, watching the fireflies come out while sipping a Coca-Cola. The happiness can be quantitatively increased by sitting with a loved one, or adding a small amount of Ronrico rum to the Coke, but no qualitative change will occur, since you are already so close to the top.

[mike alexander]

WORST LITERARY ACCIDENT
In his novel The Error in His Pants writer Willem De Groosbeake required twelve stiches in his scalp when he ran headlong into a large participle dangling from a sentence on page 162. As a result, the Writer’s Guild now requires publishers to affix small yellow flags to any participles dangling from the main body of a sentence.

In his defense, Groosbeake said that he thought a participle was an article of a priest’s vestments, worn between the alb and the stole, and that if tied properly would not dangle to a dangerous degree. This prompted Stephen King to write that he thought a participle was the small mass of encapsulated flesh adjacent to the thyroid gland in the throat, which glistened with a soft sheen when exposed by the razor-sharp knife being slowly drawn across the larynx before being obscured in the rush of blood from the severed jugular vein.

[KaiYeves]

It could have been worse...they could have bought tea in Brewster.

Huh? Is that where the Men In Black are based or something?

[Maksutov]

Huh? Is that where the Men In Black are based or something?

Good guess, but it has to do with Putnam County and its liquor laws during the middle 1960s. Those laws may have changed since then, but for folks in Connecticut they were quite significant at the time.

[mike alexander]

KaiYves, haven't you ever heard the phrase, "I wouldn't do that for all the tea in Brewster?"

[Maksutov]

KaiYves, haven't you ever heard the phrase, "I wouldn't do that for all the tea in Brewster?"

Even when they serve it on the good china...

[Senor Molinero]

MOST OFFENSIVE SPEAKING ELEVATOR

The elevator auto-voice installed in the Absentia Performing Arts Building answers any request for a movement of one floor with "Take the stairs you lazy *******!"

LEAST COMPREHENSIBLE SPEAKING ELEVATOR

The elevator auto-voice installed in the Sesquipedalian Taxation Office responds to all requests in Leg Language. It is most frequently heard to utter "Cogito ergo sum" to the consternation of classical scholars.

[mike alexander]

The elevator in the medical examiner's office in Quincy, Massachusetts will sometimes say "Robertito, ergo sum". Its walls are covered by woodblock prints of the famous sequence "36 views of Sam Fujiyama" by Hokusai.

[mike alexander]

I apologize for the previous entry.

[Senor Molinero]

MOST UNAPPROACHABLE WORLD LEADER

We all remember from Geography class that the capital of Absentia is Cognito in the province of Communicado. Hence, the president is, when at home, always In Cognito, In Communicado and In Absentia and is impossible to find, contact or recognise. The currency and stamps in this proud nation feature a circle bearing the motto "This space left deliberately blank" which is also the motto on the coat of arms in Leg Language (Klaatu Borada Nicto). Absentia's national anthem has a background theme featuring the "Engaged" tone and begins with the words "I'm not in my office right now but..."

[Senor Molinero]

MOST JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE

During a board meeting of the Sesquipedalia Energy Corporation, Arfur Minit uttered the fatal sentence "For all intensive purposes, we should of aksed about nucular power." Four board members beat him about the body with assorted dictionaries, thesauri and grammar texts resulting in his hospitalisation. After two weeks in a comma, he died of a perforated colon. The perpetrators received corrected sentences.

[mike alexander]

Si, Senor!

[mike alexander]

Reading up on Absentia I learned that the legendary Poet Laureate of the country, Licet Vidal, was the inventor of the Poetry Clamp (the Vise Versa), which he used to immobilize his listeners.

[KaiYeves]

Most Populated Country
The small Balkan country of Trillia, although it has only 500 residents- it's population is always counted in Trillians!