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Thread: Amazing untrue records

  1. #361
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    (c)Rap ain't nothin' if ya don't supply no rhythmic accompaniment.



    THUD! THUD! THUD! THUD!

  2. #362
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    SILLIEST DINOSAUR

    This is admittedly a close call. The artichokisaurus, a relative of the stegosaurus but whose protective back plates formed a tight rosette on its back is very high in any paeleontologist's poll. The avocadodon, shaped like an avocado with four stumpy legs is also popular.

    The consensus winner appears to be blairisuchus, a strange bipedal creature found in Great Britain with a receding hairline, crocodile-like grin and a clipped vocal delivery. The blairisuchus was known for lulling its prey into a stupor by making endless soothing noises that never quite got to the point, then pouncing upon it and tearing it to shreds. It would then back off, look at the mess, and blame someone else. Related to the megalomania, the blairisuchus became extinct in England in 2007, although there have been several unconfirmed sightings in the Middle East. Given the large mess found there, such reports must be given some weight.

  3. #363
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    WORLD'S LARGEST LAND MAMMAL

    The bushisthere, which became extinct at the end of the Cenozoic Era, was so large that sometimes it denuded entire subcontinents with its appetite for stalks, shoots, and (rarely) leaves. Adult bushistheres would enter a new territory and immediately wipe out its natural resources, killing off the native species. Some of the larger bushistheres were able to do this in two territories simultaneously.

    The extinction of the bushistheres is explained by competition from a new species, the obamanoceros, which formed symbiotic alliances with those few remaining species and effectively eliminated the bushistheres through natural election.
    Last edited by Maksutov; 2007-Jul-26 at 10:15 PM. Reason: add word

  4. #364
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maksutov View Post
    Accurately describes as "playground rhyme at best, and self-important adolescent angst-ridden catharsis at best", rap is (sadly) here to stay.
    Bill Cosby: Hey kids, meet Grandpa Murphy!
    Grandaughter: but we have 3 grandpas already.
    Cosby: But this one is the great jazz musician
    Grandaugher: Ahh, they all are!
    Cosby: Ohh ohh, ya see, the kids they listen to the rap music which gives them the brain damage, with the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', so they dont know what jazz...is all about! AYa see, jazz is like a Jell-O pudding pop, no! its more like Kodak film,no! Actually its more like the new coke, it’ll be around forever, heh heh heh.

  5. #365
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    As long as we're visiting Darwin...


    WORLD'S WORST PICKUP LINE

    "Hey, Babe, did you know the channel between Bali and Lombok marks the divide between two great zoogeographic regions, the Oriental and Australian?"

  6. #366
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    WORLD'S WORST REPLY TO WORLD'S WORST PICKUP LINE

    "No, I'm afraid I don't," she replied while strolling over to the piano, "but, hum a few bars and I'll fake it."

  7. #367
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    WORLD'S WORST RESPONSE TO A DEMAND TO HUM A FEW BARS

    [humming]Charley's Inn, The Old Crossing, Sport Friends, New England Pub, Michelle's [/humming]

  8. #368
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    ^ That is so lame it should not be funny! So why am I grinning from ear to ear?

  9. #369
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    You grin because you're uncomfortable feeling ashamed in my place.

  10. #370
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    Poor Wallace, always misunderstood...

  11. #371
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    WORST OPERA

    Another difficult choice, but the Milton "Nailed to the" Cross Award for Wurst Opera goes to Strauss' sequel to Feurersnot.

    In Fullasnot, the Sorcerer Kunrad has caught a virus after hanging in the basket outside Diemut's room overnight. His gargantuan sneezes give everyone in the town a terrible head cold, which he announces can only be cured by by a 'magic handerchief' held to his nose by a 'virgin in heat'. Diemut appeals to the Emperor for his magic handkerchief, but he tells her he will only relinquish it if she first relinquishes her virginity, which would make the nose-blowing attempt moot. The suffering townspeople surround the Emperor's castle and threaten to offer three hoichs in his direction if he does not give Diemut the magic kerchief. At this display the Emperor sings the infamous "Ich Habe eine Grosse Mucus" song and tosses the kerchief to the crowd. Unfortunately the cloth is caught by the dwarf, Phlegm, who carries it away while telling the townspeople they can only recover it by chanting his Secret Name in front of the Krankenhaus at midnight.

    Diemut goes to the Krankenhaus and offers her virginity to Phlegm in return for the Secret Name, which he bestows on her during the "Vam, Bam, Danke Sie, Ma'am" scene. The townspeople then gather at the Krankenhaus at midnight to chant "Gesundheit!", whereupon Phlegm gives them the kerchief while chortling that it will do no good, since Diemut is missing an essential ingredient. Diemut returns to the town where she gives the kerchief to her suitor, the young man Vankenit, who also happens to be a virgin. Appalled that he did not specify the gender of his virgin, Kunrad nevertheless prepares to deliver on his promise when he suddenly remembers the virgin must be 'in heat'. At this point Vankenit reveals to the townspeople his own orientation in the acapella rendition of "Ich Komm aus die Kabinett!" and gives Kunrad's nose a good blow, which cures the townspeople. They celebrate by burning Vankenit at the stake while singing the closing song, "Keine Tunte Hier!"

    The second-wurst opera is Feuersnot

  12. #372
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    You should be fired for that, but we need all of it for useful applications. Instead expect a visit from the Liebesver Bot.

  13. #373
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    You should be glad I left out the second act, where the false sorcerer Vapovicks tries to offer his "Nasefett" cure to the people, only to be cut down by the noble Kontac who sings "Eine Sommerkalt ist ein ungleich Tier"

  14. #374
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    Ay, there's the rub.

  15. #375
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    AMAZING UNTRUE HEADLINES


    Compassionate Hunters Put Endangered Species Out Of Its Misery


    Chickens Protest Destruction Of Millions Of Embryos Held In Cold Storage


    Alcoholics Found To Have Increased Risk Of Drunkenness


    Computer User Warned For Fourth Time Of ‘Unused Icons’ On Desktop


    Study Reveals Black People Tend To Have Black Friends: ‘Pigmentation May Be Contagious’ Researchers Say


    Bicycle Banned From Tour De France After Discovery Of Excess Air In Tires


    Bush Temporarily Assumes Role Of Vice President As Cheney Undergoes Minor Surgery


    Barry Bonds Hits 754th Home Run Using Only His Left Forearm


    ‘West Nile’ Computer Virus Claims Life Of 14th Geek


    British Fans Express Admiration For Iraqi Soccer Celebrations, Plan To Trade Clubs For AK-47s

  16. #376
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    WORST MISTAKE EVER MADE IN SOLID GEOMETRY

    Dr. Whimshurst MacHine, Aroostookian Professor of Pure and Applied Coatings at Burger King's College, Camshaft, Cardigan, South Orkney, Middlesex, KJM 923, spent over forty years perfecting his proof of the sixth Platonic solid. Called by him the 'tippihedron' it consisted of sixty-two polychaete faces arranged in a pattern obvious only to him. He claimed the tippihedron had the unique property of enclosing a volume that depended on how loud it was.

    Professor MacHine eventually took his own life when he found that the relationship between the tippihedron and the other regular solids was not Platonic, but instead Romantic, and he could no longer afford to support all the little tetrahedra resulting from the liason between the tippihedron and the cube.

    "My God! Not the CUBE!" his suicide note read.

  17. #377
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    MOST ORIGINAL ROCK BAND

    The Plutonics, who played at the Olentangy Inn in Columbus, Ohio, from 9:15 to 9:37 on December 14, 1971. Kirk Witherspoon was on feldspar, Jamey DeGroot played quatrzite, and Rick Place banged the slate.

    The group was booed off the stage by a drunken gaggle of geology professsors from nearby Ohio State University, who said that none of their rocks were actually plutonic, and that the line from the Beach Boy's "Barbara Ann" was "So I thought I'd take a chance", not "And I thought I'd split my pants".

    A reunion of the group in 1997 as The Slickensides was not successful.

  18. #378
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    MOST ORIGINAL PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

    The award for the most unique (yes, I know) particle accelerator goes to The Pinballator (also known as the Condensed Hadron Target Random Path Magnetically Assisted Gravity Gradient Accelerator, or 'Pinballator'), located in the back room of Mike's Place, a tavern on West 122nd St. in Cleveland, Ohio.

    In a totally unique design, the target (a condensed sphere of hadronic material) is given an initial velocity by the Variable Compression Tangential Hooke Booster, which allows it to be injected into the Random Path area with a wide range of initial energies, where it can experience simultaneous accelerations from both judiciously placed conducting solenoids and a superimposed gravity gradient. The Operator Assisted Gravity Well Vector Reversing Torque Levers periodically return the hadron sphere to the Vertical Solenoids, which apply their energy at right angles to the B vector by the ingenious use of Shaped Elastomer Momentun Redirection Rings, and the Gravity Gradient Platform applies a constant drift to the condensed hadron sphere, which after the experiment is complete passes the Torque Levers and can be collected and reused.

    The investigators using the Pinballator emphasize that unlike most other particle accelerators, mean residence time of the condensed hadron sphere in the experimental area is critically dependent on the skill of the operator; indeed, those who can keep the sphere interacting with the solenoidal fields for more than five minutes are informally called 'Pinballator Wizards', and must practice for hours on end to preserve their skill. Positive experimental results,called 'points', are recorded by sensors located at various stations in the Random Path area. On a good run, over 3,000,000 points can be recorded.

    While much work remains to be done, several Wizards claim that they have already come close to the holy grail of Pinballator physics, known among themselves as "The Clown's Mouth".

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    MOST INVASIVE NON-NATIVE SPECIES
    The zebra mussel. This small clam, imported to Africa in the ballast water of ships docking in the American Great Lakes, attaches itself to the hide of zebras, where it quickly proliferates into a thick coating that can weigh several hundred pounds, or about half as many kilograms. This slows the zebras down and makes them more easily caught by lions, which then damage their teeth when trying to bite through the tough coating of shells.

    Scientists have begun an international effort to develop a tasty recipe for the small clams, hoping that humans will be able to eat the zebras out of their crisis before veterinarian dental bills submitted by the lions bankrupt several small African countries.


    MOST MEANINGLESS RECORD IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS
    The record for the largest plug of tobacco ever held in a professional baseball player’s mouth while actually participating in a game is held by “Pantsless Joe” Johnson, who played for the Cleveland Spyders from 1897 to 1904. During a game against the Detroit Javelinas in 1901, Johnson was able to cram over fourteen ounces of ‘Red Man’ rough cut into both cheeks and still breathe. He died of asphyxiation when a wild pitch struck him in the face, forcing him to accidentally inhale the plug and all the other players refused to give him artificial respiration. The fact that after this incident he did not retire until three years later says something about how tough those old players really were.

    Currently, Barry Bonds claims to have put over twenty-two ounces of chaw in his mouth, but the record is questioned, due to accusations of the use of steroids to unfairly increase his oral capacity.


    MOST ORIGINAL FEAT OF ENGINEERING
    The architectural/engineering firm of Blanch, Dubois and Glass designed and built a two hundred and sixty eight story skyscraper in the desert near Halfstaff, Arizona, in 2001 using only locally available materials of rock, sagebrush and sand to demonstrate the principles of ’green building’ (even though the structure was mainly a dirty tan color).

    Their claim to the world’s biggest skyscraper was disallowed by the International Association of Big Things when the judges noted the building had been constructed lying on its side. They have resubmitted their bid, claiming the ’world’s longest groundscraper’.


    LONGEST DELAY GETTING TO WORK
    Ian Pilpher of South Wankenshire, Kent, Winston, Salem, Kool, reported to his first day of work in the Small Claims Resolution Division of the Exchequer thirty eight years late, arriving halfway through his retirement party. He made it in time to receive his awards for Never Allowing a Fraudulent Claim, Lowest Per Capita Settlements, and No Sick Days.

    Since his retirement many other employees have adopted Pilpher’s work methodology and as a result the efficiency of the British government has increased over 26%.

  20. #380
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    WORLD'S GREATEST NON-DIRECTED UNKNOWN MOVIE

    In 1976, after finishing Family Plot, Alfred Hitchcock and writer Ernest Lehman decided to write and produce the Hitchcock movie to end all Hitchcock movies.

    Their plan was to combine the essential elements of Murder!, The Man Who Knew Too Much, The 39 Steps, Sabotage, Rebecca, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, Suspicion, Saboteur, Shadow of a Doubt, Lifeboat, Spellbound, Notorious, The Paradine Case, Rope, Strangers on a Train, I Confess, Dial M for Murder, Rear Window, To Catch a Thief, The Trouble with Harry, The Wrong Man, Vertigo, North by Northwest, Psycho, The Birds, Marnie, and Frenzy. The script had almost progressed to its shooting version when, unfortunately, Hitchcock died in 1980.

    Nevertheless, production of the movie went off without a hitch.

  21. #381
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    WORLD'S MOST UNEVENTFUL TRIP

    Early in the morning on October 11, 1972, Archibald Flahtard blinked, spent 38 minutes making plans for his next trip, and at precisely 11:26, proceeded to move the 2 feet, 7 inches from his seat to the sink, where he dutifully washed his hands.

    When asked about his motivations behind his recent trip, Archibald replied, "they had germs."

    Archibald later made plans for another trip later that day, but the trip was cancelled due to weather.

  22. #382
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    Least effort invested in a pun
    "Invisible arrows? I don't see the point!"

    Most disappointing Christmas present
    On 25 December, 2006, Alexander Spivey of Hayling Island was expecting to receive a Wii as his main present. Instead, to his bitter disappointment, he received a hoop and stick.

    Ironically, exactly 109 years earlier, single mother Isabella Langtree received a Wii from her time-travelling Uncle Sidney. She had been expecting a hoop and stick as her main present. "I had no idea how much they were worth," said Ms Langtree, 19. "If only I'd known, I wouldn't have sold my six children to the chimney-sweeping industry."

    In time, Alexander Spivey came to appreciate the entertainment value of his hoop and stick, whereas Isabella Langtree was unable to find a television with the appropriate input socket.

    Least amusing comedy sketch to be staged during the intermission of The Importance of Being Earnest
    The following script for a comedy sketch, first performed in some theatre or other in 1895, is reproduced below.

    Busy Lady
    by the Marquess of Queensbury

    Cast:

    Lady Fanshawe
    Lord Peterborough, her hard-of-hearing 20-something son

    Scene: A reception room in Lady Fanshawe's abode. Time: The present day.

    Lady Fanshawe (rushing into room in a state of urgency): There is so much preparation to be done for tonight's party! Lord Peterborough, I hope you did as I asked.

    Lord Peterborough: What's that, mother?

    Lady Fanshawe: I asked you to hire some servants.

    Lord Peterborough (regarding a number of snakes writhing about on the reception room floor): Did you say servants?

    [Curtain]
    Last edited by Paul Beardsley; 2007-Aug-05 at 11:03 PM.

  23. #383
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    MOST OUTSTANDING EXAMPLES OF BRITISH WIT

    While discussing politics during a formal dinner, Lady Fothergill-Marmite leaned toward Winston Churchill sitting across the table from her and told him, "Winston, if I was your wife I would poison your tea."

    Without missing a beat Churchill replied, "Madame, I believe you have just immersed your bosom in the cock a' leekee soup."


    Gladstone said to Disraeli: "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."

    Disraeli replied, "May all your teeth fall out except one, and that one should have a toothache, you goyische momzer."


    George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 'Bring a friend, if you have one.'

    Churchill wrote back, saying "Thanks, I will."


    One evening in the House of Commons Bessie Braddock said to Winston Churchill, "Winston you are drunk!"

    Churchill replied, "Huh? Whozzat? 'M so drunk I can't see straight."

  24. #384
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    Best outtakes from King Lear

    Cordelia: Oh pooh. I've just blown my inheritance.

    *

    Enter Kent, in disguise.

    Kent: So how do I look?

    Merchant: Are you serious? That's never going to fool Lear. At least put these on!

    Kent: What, a pair of glasses with a false nose and moustache? No way! I'm fine as I am. Even my own mother wouldn't know me.

    Passerby: Hello there, Kent. Fancy seeing you here - I thought you were in exile. Have you made it up with the King, then?

    Kent (to Merchant): How much did you say those glasses cost?

    *

    Enter Kent and Fool.

    Fool: And so I address you as "fool" even though that is my own appointed role, which is ironic, because I demonstrate more wisdom than anybody else around. But marry, sir, I mean it in a complimentary way, for your alleged foolishness is in truth the inevitable appearance of one who puts noble qualities such as loyalty ahead of his own self interest.

    Kent (wearily): You've made these points ad nauseum, Fool.

    *

    Mr T.: I pity the Fool!

  25. #385
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    WORLD'S FASTEST CLASSICAL PERFORMANCE

    In 1968 David "Two Door" Smith performed John Cage's 4'33" in one minute and forty seconds.

  26. #386
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maksutov View Post
    WORLD'S FASTEST CLASSICAL PERFORMANCE

    In 1968 David "Two Door" Smith performed John Cage's 4'33" in one minute and forty seconds.
    Nice one!

    I studied John Cage at art college back in 1983. We subsequently had to do an essay on any artist we had covered. Feeling somewhat lazy, I decided to do an essay on John Cage.

    I handed in five blank A4 sheets of paper.

    One lecturer thought this was hilarious, and gave me an A. Another lecturer was not amused at all and gave me an F. This averaged at C-. The college inspectors were called in and they considered closing down the course. Luckily they didn't and I eventually graduated.

    This is all true, BTW.

  27. #387
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maksutov View Post
    WORLD'S FASTEST CLASSICAL PERFORMANCE

    In 1968 David "Two Door" Smith performed John Cage's 4'33" in one minute and forty seconds.
    While it is possible to perform 4'33'' in less than two minutes, I find that it feels rushed when played that way.

  28. #388
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    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley View Post
    Nice one!

    I studied John Cage at art college back in 1983. We subsequently had to do an essay on any artist we had covered. Feeling somewhat lazy, I decided to do an essay on John Cage.

    I handed in five blank A4 sheets of paper.

    One lecturer thought this was hilarious, and gave me an A. Another lecturer was not amused at all and gave me an F. This averaged at C-. The college inspectors were called in and they considered closing down the course. Luckily they didn't and I eventually graduated.

    This is all true, BTW.
    If I received that paper, I don't know if I would consider it to be brilliant or just overly sarcastic. Trying to grade that would probably make my head explode...

  29. #389
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    Quote Originally Posted by weatherc View Post
    While it is possible to perform 4'33'' in less than two minutes, I find that it feels rushed when played that way.
    Brilliant!

    I've long thought John Cage was an easy target and all the good jokes had already been made...

    But these last two (the one quoted here and Mak's original) cracked me up.

    And Mike's British Wit record had me in convulsions.

    There's still plenty life in this thread. I'm proud to be the originator!

  30. #390
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    As well you should be. We have plumbed depths of the ridiculous I never thought existed. BTW, when Kent takes off his glasses, does he become Kal El?

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