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Thread: Amazing untrue records

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  1. #1
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    Amazing untrue records

    Most overmassive moon in the solar system.
    Earth’s moon is the only moon in the solar system to be one and a half times its own mass! With a mass of 7.35 × 10^22kg, the moon’s mass is a staggering 1.1 × 10^23kg!

    World’s most densely haunted building or structure.
    The Tower of London is generally regarded as the most haunted building in the world, but this achievement is less remarkable when one considers its long history and the amount of floor space. For sheer density of hauntingness, the record is held by the garden shed belonging to Jacob Sheldon of Hereford. Visitors have identified no fewer than three distinct ghosts, including a spectral gardener who repeatedly winds up the lawn mower cable. All this in a structure less than 20 years old with a floorspace of only 1.8 square metres!

    Most apathetic feminist.
    Susan Quincey of Hartlepool began reading The Female Eunuch on 21 February 1993. Fourteen years on she has not got past page 27. “I intend to finish it one of these days,” she claims, “but I just can’t seem to find the time. There are so many other things to do, like ironing my husband’s socks while he’s down the pub.”

    Most undocumented human being in Britain.
    There is almost no paperwork whatsoever relating to Mr Stanley Reed of Brighton. He has no national insurance number, no birth certificate, and it is even possible that his first name is actually Stephen rather than Stanley.

    Most misleading map.
    Believed to be drawn by an angry cartographer wannabe who failed to secure a job at Ordnance Survey, this map of Southampton contains just enough accurate information to lure map readers into a false sense of security. Anyone seeking guidance from the map should avoid driving faster than walking pace, and should wear a life jacket at all times.

    Most amusing-looking animal.
    Although this record has been challenged on the grounds of subjectivity, it is generally agreed among zoological humorologists that the horse is the most funny-looking animal in the world. The only reason people do not laugh whenever they see one is because they are used to them. It is recorded that when Cortez invaded Mexico, and the Azteks saw the equine quadrupeds for the first time, Montezuma’s army were reduced to fits of giggles to the extent that they were unable to perform as an effective fighting force and consequently were easily conquered by the Conquistadores.

    Most unreliable astrologer.
    Marvin the Most Mystical Marvel (real name Derek Plafford) of Ipswich has made a career in astrology despite being so obviously incompetent that even his clients have noticed. His predictions have consistently failed to bear any resemblance to actual events, despite being very vaguely worded, and he has failed to identify anybody’s star sign even when they told him their dates of birth.

    Tune in next week for:

    Most expensive advert for something that everybody buys anyway.
    Most risible account of an alien encounter.
    World’s largest medium-sized cake.
    Worst failure to understand the concept of satire in a popular TV science fiction series.
    Most easily debunked moon hoax “theory”.
    Least boring cricket game.
    Africa’s least dangerous snake.
    Most hypnotic website involving badgers.

  2. #2
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    surely the least boring cricket game would be one of the two tied tests?

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    Thumbs up Most excellent! Can I play?

    Most Truthful Politician
    Congresssman Brad Nail of Kentucky has never written or uttered a falsehood since his accident left him a mute quadraplegic, although his eyebrow movements can be disingenuous.

    Greatest Nonbeliever
    Englebert Swift of Elyria, Ohio, still refuses to believe in God, even after the Deity personally appeared to him, picked him up by the ankles and held him over the top of Mount Everest head down! He attributes the experience to 'ball lightning'.

    World's Longest Running Joke
    Britain's House of Lords.

    World's Most Amazing Feat of Memorization
    Mr. Langmuir Film of Wapakoneta, Ohio claims to have memorized the value of Pi... backwards!

    World's Best Barbecue
    Amazingly, there are over 7,500 best barbecues in Chicago, Illinois, alone!

    World's Most Enhanced Chicken Parts
    The Boneless Breasts of Chicken at the Safeway Food Market are enhanced with over 93% broth!

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by mike alexander View Post
    Most Truthful Politician
    Congresssman Brad Nail of Kentucky has never written or uttered a falsehood since his accident left him a mute quadraplegic, although his eyebrow movements can be disingenuous.
    Too bad they all can not be like that.
    ...I'm still free, you can't take the sky from me.

  5. #5
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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    World's Greatest Frontiersman
    J. Daniel Frump, the famed Indian fighter and frontier hero, once killed six grizzly bears in hand-to-paw combat. Unfortunately there were seven bears.

    Most Musical Fish
    Contrary to popular opinion, fish can be trained to play a music instrument. It took only four years of intensive instruction on the tuba for Arnold K. Fish of Poughkeepsie to master the instrument.

    World's Fastest Men
    On the island of Kitchy-Woonah, the women outnumber the men eight to one. As a result the men are allowed to have more than one pair of track shoes.

    World's Most Unusual Kitten
    A two-headed kitten was born in the household of Bettina J. Forbish, of Hoboken, NJ, who accepted the singular incident quite calmly. Forbish's cocker spaniel, however, was visibly upset by the event, since she had been expecting puppies.

    America's Most Unusual Dog Name
    Bettina J. Forbish of Hoboken, NJ, owns a confused cocker spaniel named "however".

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    Smile

    Quote Originally Posted by mike alexander View Post
    Most Truthful Politician
    Congresssman Brad Nail of Kentucky has never written or uttered a falsehood since his accident left him a mute quadraplegic, although his eyebrow movements can be disingenuous.

    Greatest Nonbeliever
    Englebert Swift of Elyria, Ohio, still refuses to believe in God, even after the Deity personally appeared to him, picked him up by the ankles and held him over the top of Mount Everest head down! He attributes the experience to 'ball lightning'.

  7. #7
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    Paul,

    Was that your work? Will you admit that it was or was not?
    It is world-class writing.

    I notice that you have 1,111 posts.

    -- Jeff, really impressed in Minneapolis
    http://www.FreeMars.org/jeff/

    "I find astronomy very interesting, but I wouldn't if I thought we
    were just going to sit here and look." -- "Van Rijn"

    "The other planets? Well, they just happen to be there, but the
    point of rockets is to explore them!" -- Kai Yeves

  8. #8
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    That OP is especially funny when read in the tone (in my head, yes) of the typical Monty Python documentary narrator. Very good.

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    Quote Originally Posted by farmerjumperdon View Post
    That OP is especially funny when read in the tone (in my head, yes) of the typical Monty Python documentary narrator. Very good.
    What a coincidence. That's the voice I use in my head when I read any BAUT post.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Root View Post
    Paul,

    Was that your work? Will you admit that it was or was not?
    It is world-class writing.
    Good grief, you've made my head swell!

    Yes, it was entirely my own work. Slightly inspired, possibly, by the Viz Sexist Book of Records, but I've always been into ludicrous records, and the ideas were all mine.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jeff Root View Post
    I notice that you have 1,111 posts.

    -- Jeff, really impressed in Minneapolis
    I noticed that too! It's not now, of course, but it was nice while it lasted.

    Thanks ever so much for your comments - and thanks everyone else who either commented or added their own records.

  11. #11
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    living on an isle caused you this weird sense of humour, Paul
    but you caused me grinning like a horse/smiling like an Aztek




    just before i vanish out of sight to slip back into my shadowy existence as Constance Blyton from Leeds (or so) i must repete just one last time how much i hate you, mike alexander.................................................. .........................................

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    World's toughest reality show contest
    New York's brilliant heiress turned starlet, Paris Hilton, has teamed up with the FOX network to create the world's toughest reality survival series ever. In the upcoming "Hotel Hilton", contestants will be stranded on a tropical resort with only fourteen pieces of luggage, a mere three butlers and maids, and will be chaufered in a regular limo, as opposed to the Hummer variaty. Programming executives almost pulled the show, citing that no human could possibly survive in such languid conditions. Fortunately the fine legal advisors solved this problem by having the contestants sign waivers of liability. The first episode will air on the FOX station Friday, September 7th.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fazor View Post
    World's toughest reality show contest
    .
    Wow; that's exciting... I wouldn't be suprised if they went as far as making them eat Caviar.......out of a can.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by NEOWatcher View Post
    Wow; that's exciting... I wouldn't be suprised if they went as far as making them eat Caviar.......out of a can.
    Shhh! You'll ruin the season finale! post a spoiler warning next time

  15. #15
    Least logical computer keyboard layout

    Amazingly, the keyboard with the least logical layout ever, the 1986 Qryo 151, had its keys in the US standard qwerty order. However, the underlying electronic matrix was in alphabetical order. No information on this awkward design philosophy could be retrieved until in 2003 an avid user of the Qryo 151 found out the actual name of the company was Adfi. Subsequent communication with the company went by telephone exclusively.

    Tallest not fully grown tree

    The tallest not fully grown tree was a European Oak. It is believed to be planted in 1853 next to the church of Blatzv, a small community in Serbia. When the tree was killed by lightning in 1946, it had reached an amazing 99.7% of its fully grown height. At that time, the oak had already survived both World Wars and the annual Carnaval. In remembrance of the record oak, a statue is being erected at the moment, and is reported to be near completion.

    Fastest aircraft that never flew

    The fastest aircraft that never flew was the Heinkel He-H20, a wooden/cloth construction powered by a hydrogen rocket. It was a German fighter plane prototype from 1941. It was never put into use due to color fixation issues, but if it had, it could have determined the outcome of WW2 based on the recorded performance. In the morning of October 9, 1941, the Heinkel He-H20 approached an incoming Fiat CR42B prop biplane at 520 km/h while still being strapped inside its hangar where its hydrogen rocket was due to be installed the next week. It was the speed record for an aircraft at that time, and the He-H20 still holds the record for fastest aircraft that never flew.

    Longest selectively dumb person

    There are many historical records of persons who decided only to speak to one person, at certain times, only using certain words or any other imaginable condition. Often these were people who had gone through trauma or were accused of serious criminal acts. This makes the story of Martha Goodal, who died in 2003 at the age of 87, even more strange. Nothing in her peaceful life as a mother of 3, living quietly between the flowers of her Dallas rose farm, could indicate a reason for her perseverance in not speaking French for at least 85 years. The second place for longest selectively dumb person goes to Markus McGort, Wioming, who was 2.13 meters tall.

    Best trained cat

    Cats are notorious for their strong, stubborn character. Generally believed to be untrainable, in some cases people indeed do manage to teach a cat some tricks. Heinrich Schulle from Austria spent 7 years training his cat named Tommy. Not only did he manage to let Tommy sit, lay down and give paw on command, he also managed to get him to jump obstacles, return thrown objects and herd sheep with whistle commands. What really nails Heinrich Schulle and Tommy's place in the record books however, is that Heinrich even trained Tommy to look exactly like a Border Collie. Heinrich met Tommy in a pet asylum where he apparently had just escaped from his cage. "When he saw me, he ran towards me and looked at me with these big eyes, and I just knew this cat and I were destined to be together."

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    These are a lot of fun!

    World's most accomplished slacker
    Bill Tishman, 38, of Morristown, New Jersey, has been acknowledged as the world's most effective slacker. He considers his ability to dodge work to be an art form, saying, "Well, my employers just think I'm really efficient. And I am very good at looking busy; I always walk quickly around the building while carrying several file folders, like I'm on my way somewhere important with information that could make or break the company. Also, I make sure that I'm never at my desk, so that people always think I'm busy in a meeting with someone else. And I make sure to have spreadsheets up on my computer screen whenever I walk away from my desk, even though I don't use spreadsheets for anything at my job. People see spreadsheets and just automatically think, 'Oooh, he's really organized,' but they never look closely enough to see that it's just a bunch of random numbers."

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by weatherc View Post
    These are a lot of fun!

    World's most accomplished slacker
    Bill Tishman, 38, of Morristown, New Jersey, has been acknowledged as the world's most effective slacker. He considers his ability to dodge work to be an art form, saying, "Well, my employers just think I'm really efficient. And I am very good at looking busy; I always walk quickly around the building while carrying several file folders, like I'm on my way somewhere important with information that could make or break the company. Also, I make sure that I'm never at my desk, so that people always think I'm busy in a meeting with someone else. And I make sure to have spreadsheets up on my computer screen whenever I walk away from my desk, even though I don't use spreadsheets for anything at my job. People see spreadsheets and just automatically think, 'Oooh, he's really organized,' but they never look closely enough to see that it's just a bunch of random numbers."

    Lol! Thanks a lot! Now everyone knows my real name! i like this one

  18. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by Fazor View Post
    Lol! Thanks a lot! Now everyone knows my real name! i like this one
    Intended as absurd humour, scored as recognition humour. Says a lot about you eh .

    It's a good one indeed!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicolas View Post
    Intended as absurd humour, scored as recognition humour. Says a lot about you eh .
    You mean that I'm intuitive and innovative, right?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fazor View Post
    Lol! Thanks a lot! Now everyone knows my real name! i like this one
    See? It can be worse than my spoiler.

  21. #21
    This board had gone too long without any form of Monty Python references .

  22. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicolas View Post
    This board had gone too long without any form of Monty Python references .
    No, it hasn't!

  23. #23
    You mean that I'm intuitive and innovative, right?
    Adopt, adapt, improve.

    Bonus points if you can name the sketch.


  24. #24
    Smallest aircraft near miss

    This record was set when a cri-cri 1 seater ultralight plane gave a demonstration flight 250 meters from where Jeane Lovell, Miss Haircutters Arkansas 1996, was seated and looking at the spectacle.

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    Slowest backwards-walking human
    Jeffrey Michael Alan Richard Thomas, of Plymouth, Massachusetts, has been clocked walking backwards so slowly that he actually appears to be moving forward in excess of 5Kph. Were he moving much more slowly backwards, it would be physically impossible to do without breaking into a trot, or a full run. Mr. Thomas also holds the record in North America for having the longest string of first names to serve as his full name.

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    Quote Originally Posted by weatherc View Post
    Slowest backwards-walking human
    Jeffrey Michael Alan Richard Thomas, of Plymouth, Massachusetts, has been clocked walking backwards so slowly that he actually appears to be moving forward in excess of 5Kph. Were he moving much more slowly backwards, it would be physically impossible to do without breaking into a trot, or a full run. Mr. Thomas also holds the record in North America for having the longest string of first names to serve as his full name.
    how did I miss this thread for so long
    My travel blog Currently about living in Europe with many older blog posts about riding a motorcycle across the US and Europe.

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    Re: Amazing untrue records

    Quote Originally Posted by crosscountry View Post
    how did I miss this thread for so long
    Perhaps by walking backwards through OTB?

  28. #28


    With the black knight as your avatar, you should be participating in this thread indeed!

  29. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicolas View Post


    With the black knight as your avatar, you should be participating in this thread indeed!
    They all sound a bit British, don't they? I guess you're right.

  30. #30
    Any post without MP reference is too long.

    Mea culpa.

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