Columbus' Landing in America Faked, Say Experts
Local history experts have discovered evidence that shows that Columbus' landing was faked.
This exciting news came out of the Lucerne Valley YX Bar, where Big Mike McCouleigh, Phillip "Helter" Skelter, and Joseph "My Uncle Joe" Jemsin met for imbibing in alcoholic beverages and engaging in male-bonding rituals involving foosball and darts.
Their amazing work has uncovered a centuries-old conspiracy that reaches to the top of Spanish government. It appears that Spain never landed in America at all. Details are sketchy, but it seems that the "landing" was faked in a Madrid basement for a reason as yet unknown.
"This discovery overturns more than five hundred years of history. Everything you know is a lie. And that ain't cool, man!" Mr. Skelter said. "They don't want us to know these things. They want to keep the people in the dark. Well, I say get our your sunglasses, because we're pulling the wool off of people's eyes and letting the sun shine in, man!"
There were a number of reasons given for their conclusion. For one thing, it is in debate where Columbus supposedly landed. As Mr. McCouleigh said, "Some folks say he landed on America proper, others say he just landed on an island in the Carribean. If they can't even agree on that how can we trust them on anything else? Another thing, they portray him as being greeted by the natives, when everyone knows that America was uninhabited until they imported some indians from India."
Mr. Skelter brought in optic evidence. "I was looking at these pictures of the landing, right? And I'm thinking, something ain't right, right? So, get this, I noticed that the shadows don't match the inclination of the sun on the alleged time they landed, okay, man? Oh, and in one, you see a mountain in the distance. And in the other, nothing, man! Obviously faked."
The most disturbing evidence, however, is the lack of surviving witnesses. "Look at the people who were there," my Uncle Joe said. "Notice anything about 'em? They all died! A lot of 'em died of natural causes. I think we all know what that means." He tapped the side of his nose as he said this, and then glanced about the room nervously.
However, we're left with the unsettling problem of just who discovered America, since we now know it wasn't Spain.
Big Mike's theory is that it was the Egyptians. "If you go down to Mexico, they've these pyramids, right? Now, where else do you find pyramids? Egypt! I ain't no scientist, but that seems to be a mighty big coincidence to me. I figure them Egyptian fellas took some boats, discovered America, and used the place to put their spare pyramids. I mean, you gotta figure that those things are pretty damned big. If you have too many of 'em, you're gonna need somewhere else to put 'em. Also, if you look at the dollar, you'll see a pyramid on there. Why would there be a pyramid on there if the Egyptians didn't discover America? The Freemasons? I don't think so."
Mr. Skelter, however, disagreed. "No, no, you got it wrong, man! It wasn't no Egyptians. It was the Bolivians. Most people don't know it, but the Bolivians had a really good navy. Scoff if you want, but it's certainly true. The main evidence those so called 'scientists' use to say they didn't is that there aren't any wrecks. But that was because they were really good at sailing, man! They had to be; they didn't have a large body of water to make it easy on 'em. They didn't even have a good river! The English, they aren't all that good at sailing because they're surrounded by water. Anyhow, it was probably the Bolivians."
My Uncle Joe's theory was rather different. "I figure it was the US. We're always first. We were the first to put create television. We were the first to reach the moon. We were the first to make contact with the aliens. We were first to make fire, and the wheel, too. It had to be us."
McCouleigh, Skelter, and Uncle Joe hope to bring out a book soon, "A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to my Bank Account." It can be purchased on their website.