Conflict on the Idea of Matrimony

[Gillianren]

It's looking pretty certain that my boyfriend will be sent overseas sometime after June. Because of this, we're talking marriage--at least, in a vague, hypothetical kind of way. Outlining our options, given that the Army will provide certain things to a man with a wife that they won't to a man with a live-in girlfriend.

However, I talked to my lawyer this morning, and the Social Security Administration will take away from my benefits, at such point as I qualify, to what is almost certainly a far greater extent. In fact, I probably won't qualify for benefits should we get married.

I want to get married to him. I've wanted it for some time; it's just been the financial that's been holding us back. I find this all so frustrating, as the being sent overseas thing would have finally outweighed the financial to my boyfriend if it didn't have such a negative impact on my disability. Why can't this be simple?

[farmerjumperdon]

Go with Love and Good Health. The money will work out one way or another.

[Swift]

I could say some things, but they would be against the rules for politics.
I am sorry you even have to consider such choices Gillian. Would you at least get decent medical benefits from the military as the wife of a serviceman?

On a different note, any idea where he would be stationed - hopefully a neat place.

[ranugad]

He must be stationed at Fort Lewis?
Depending on where he's being sent ( you didn't say reassigned, so this could be just a deployment?) an accompanied tour may not even be an option.
You've added up the BAQ, Seperate rations and COLA?
And if he is going somewhere you can't, there's additional pay for that from what I remember... something like geographical bachelor?

And all this doesn't beat the disability?

Medical coverage is a whole other animal...
used to be simple - bam - you'd be covered.
Now with tri-care? or is it champus now?
And of course military medical facilities ARE primarily for serviceman.
In some places, spouses and family members rate very low in terms of priority and service.

defnitely lots to think about before making such a move.

don't count on any one source for the information you seek.
Sometimes those in a position to know, don't know.
And don't take information that can't be confirmed at least two different ways.

For instance. On one move I made, as a single soldier, I wanted to DITY (Do IT Yourself) move some of my household goods into storage and take the rest with me. I had to get past 2 different relocation "counselors" before I found a supervisor that would confirm what I had already researched in the regulations as allowable and get the proper paperwork authorizing reimbursement.

[Sammy]

A lot of lawyers don't know beans abt social security benefits -- it can be very arcane.

If you'd like, PM me with the details/nature of your benefits. Mrs. Sammy consults for social security on diability issues, serving as an expert at hearings. She'd be glad to give you an opinion or suggest where you could get reliable answers.

RE military spousal benefits, the level of service/priorities varies greatly with location and the supply/demand balance. Your gentleman friend should be able to get a reading of the situation at your location, as well as the actual benefits for which you would qualify.

[Gillianren]

This would be deployment. Either Iraq or Afghanistan. He's going to get trained as a "combat engineer." Currently, he's Reserves--this means, no, not Fort Lewis but some boat in middle-of-nowhere Fife for reasons that pass understanding to me.

As for my lawyer, Social Security is one of his specialties. He is, according to my information, one of the experts on the subject in the Seattle area. He totally agrees, too, that I need to get all the information I can before I make a decision.

Of course, if it were up to me, we'd've been married last summer. However, my boyfriend has all kinds of happy money issues (his mom is about the cheapest woman I've ever met), so money became the first concern by default.

Yes, the important thing is the health insurance. I'm doing okay on the Celexa (though the manic is definitely more pronounced), but the knees seem to be going into a downswing in condition. What's more, while the money might beat the disability while he's gone, we don't exactly plan to get divorced as soon as he gets back, you know?

[Superluminal]

Go ahead and get married If he is in the reserves it'll only be for a year or two. I was activated for a year after 911. My wife was on disability. The medical benefits we got through the military were better than her disability. After my deactivation her disability was reinstated.

[Gillianren]

It's how much he makes from the day job that's really the problem, hence the conflict. If our income would plummet once he got back, he'd almost certainly be okay with it, but I strongly suspect he'll be making less while in Iraq than he does now--though my knowledge on the subject is pretty small. My dad was Air Force, true--before I was born. He died when I was six, too, so I can't talk to him about it. (My father was a recruiting sergeant during the Vietnam War. How's that for a tricky job?)

[Melusine]

I could say some things, but they would be against the rules for politics.
I am sorry you even have to consider such choices Gillian.

I agree, I think it stinks that this has to be weighed out at all.

Not trying to give advice, Gillian, but my first instinct was to say, get married, you really want to marry him, it will work itself out. But then when I thought about your comments some more, I started thinking that your health is the most important thing. No matter what, you can still be together, but if your health deteriorates or you become stressed about it, that would hurt you both. But you'll be happier to be married...so it's

As others said, find out as much as you can about the benefits, continuation of benefits when he's discharged, and what exactly the SSA will do. Get all your ducks in a row--it might not be as dismal looking as it seems. Then do what you think will give you the most peace of mind.

I really hope it all works out for you both.

[Enzp]

All I can offer are my best wishes. the main benefit I offer my wife is that I bring her into a lower tax bracket. That's pretty manly, eh? it sounds like you are trying to think it through rationally, so you don't need me to say don't jump in before checking the water.