Established Member
Too shy for my own good
Anyone else ever have a problem with shyness? It's really made my life difficult. The one thing that hurts is that I've never had anyone in my life because I've been to afraid of rejection. At 45 things aren't looking good in the dating department...I'm beginning to think that it's getting too late to get involved in a relationship. Funny story...the one time that I did get up the nerve to ask a woman...turns out she had taken her vows...ouch, (true story)...anyhoo
Established Member
There's always the internet..?
It's a lot easier to talk to people online than it is irl, so perhaps you could try an internet dating kind of thing?
I used to be overly shy about to the middle of highschool, then I forced myself to talk to people I didn't know terribly well rather than just sticking to the people I'd been friends with for years and was already comfortable around.
I'm still not very good at taking the initiative and suggesting things to do, usually I wait until somebody else suggests going somewhere or doing something. I'm also rather shy when it comes to asking for things, like I want to call up local highschools to see if they could reccomend me as a tutor for students who are struggling in physics, but I haven't really worked up the courage to do so.
Established Member
Yes. Very much so. My social anxiety ranges from slight, to off the charts.Originally Posted by banquo's_bumble_puppy
Rejection is a very painful thing, especially for shy people. You have to invest a lot of time and energy in working up the nerve to ask someone out, and then... What if they say no? It was all for nothing. All you've gained from it is pain.It's really made my life difficult. The one thing that hurts is that I've never had anyone in my life because I've been to afraid of rejection.
Rejection, especially if you're asking someone out, isn't necessarily personal. In this case, it's definitely not personal. You have to realize that when you ask someone out on a date, it's just a date. They don't know you. They're not rejecting you as a person. There's a whole slew of reasons for someone to say no, and a very, very, very small number of them have anything to do with you.
A very good and dear friend of mine recently told me something that struck me: No means "not now", not "not ever".
Sure, it could mean "not ever", but it could also mean "I have stuff going on right now, so I can't", or "I'm not interested in seeing anyone right now", or even "I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment". There are nearly endless possibilities.
And even if they do mean "not ever", so what? What have you lost? Pride? Pride is an illusion. It's another word for ego. Lost pride is just a hurt ego, and a hurt ego isn't worth dwelling on. No one is judging you. If you ask someone out, they're not going to be thinking about it or laughing at you for months.
Most women are very flattered to be asked out. If they're avaliable, the majority will give you at least one date. There are always exceptions, but why let the minority control you?
This is really an issue that should be discussed between you and your therapist. Social anxiety is very common, and therapists deal with it daily.
Have you checked out the dating department lately? There are scores of single women in their 30's and 40's looking for a good guy. There are also scores of not so good guys out there. A little maturity goes a long way once women are tired of men who refuse to grow up. You, good sir, are in your dating prime.At 45 things aren't looking good in the dating department...
It's never too late. There's a couple from the Ottawa Valley area who got married last year. They were in their 80's.I'm beginning to think that it's getting too late to get involved in a relationship.
That's not funny. It's just disappointing. Life is full of disappointments. It's really very, very important for you to focus on the good things. There are far more good things than bad, but people always want to focus on the bad. The bad makes it so easy to forget the good.Funny story...the one time that I did get up the nerve to ask a woman...turns out she had taken her vows...ouch, (true story)...anyhoo
Forget the bad.
Established Member
Hey, at least she didn't decide to become a nun AFTER she went out with you! Take it from me, that's much worse!
Seriously though, the eastern provinces of Canada have an excess of single women. (Read that in The old Farmer's Almanac, IIRC) You seem to be an intelligent and interesting guy. Take the plunge, man.
Established Member
Hey, I'll tell you what, I will swear by online dating sites. I always used to think only losers get on there, but I was wrong.
And 45 isn't too late, I'm 46, and recently seperated. I had the dog gonest time gettng dates. Most of them acted like I was asking them to bear children for me. Finally I got one blind date set up by a co-worker, which went badly.
During Labor Day weekend I actually joined up with one for a 30 day trial.
Since then, I have averaged 2 dates each weekend, plus an unexpected bonus.
I found my very first puppy love crush from when I was at the tender age of 10.
I had been wanting to find her for over 35 years just to tell her how I once felt, if nothing else. Then I got a 2nd bonus surprise when she told me she felt the same for me all those years ago.
I won't devulge any more just now, except to say that a love tale worthy of storybook status is a real possibility.
All because I tried an online dating site.
Established Member
Aww... that's so cute.
Banned
You're so bad, dakini!Aww... that's so cute.
I'm 39 and still single. I'm shy in some respects and freakishly open in others. I don't know why this is, but it is.
I just met tmosher, and he is becoming a great friend. I don't get close to many, but I think he may be worthy of my time. I especially like the aspect of him being able to travel around the Country with me. I dislike doing things by myself.
My boss said something to me that has been on my mind for awhile. She said I'm a very naïve person. I guess this is true, because I always think people are good and honest from the get go. I have too much trust in everyone. I guess you would say I have childlike qualities about meeting people for the first time. I'm sure there is a long story that could go with this, but I'm not exactly sure what it is. I'm not changing just to be "normal", though. I've met more good than bad in my lifetime.
You'll do fine!
Order of Kilopi
I thought I'd have trouble finding someone- but I got a gf now, I'm so happy.
My dad is in his 40's and when mum left for someone else he was really upset cause he thought he'd by lonly for the rest of his life(He was married for twenty something years), he found someone through a school freinds united program and someone from where dad used to live (in rotherum) now lives in perth and they are so close now... It's hard though cause even though they are in the same country , it's a long distance relation ship(it's like 5hrs on a plane...)
Order of Kilopi
I have some questions for you?
Are you shy with all people or just women.
Are you afraid of women?
or both?
I feel that while these are related, they are not the same thing.
When I was younger was very shy and also afraid of girls. Having an assigned seat next to one in school made me very uncomfortable. Part of my problem was physical. I was short for my age, plus I was one of the youngest students in my class. I was born on Nov 8th and the cut off date was Dec 1st.
By the time I got to high school I was still shy and girls still made me uncomfortable, but not as much as before. The good thing is that I grew 8 inches in two years and put on 25 lbs.
What really changed me was going to graduate school. In order to pay for my schoolling I taught two lab classes which usually required at least a 15 minute lecture. I would say that my shyness was cured in about 6 weeks. In a year I was teaching a two large classes, one about 75 students and one about 150 students, plus a lab. I found out that I really enjoyed it and I enjoyed people. In high school, I always laughed at those folks who list people as their hobbies or interests, but now I understood it. Even though my shyness was fixed, I still was nervous around women.
After six years at an engineering college, I decide to go to the University of Texas. I met lots of really nice people and I finally starting dating. I didn't have my first real date until my 25th birthday. Since that time I've had plenty of dates. Had some relationships where I got hurt, had some that worked out pretty well.
I got married in 1993 at age 32. Even though I did get divorced in 2000, I'm still great friends with my ex-wife (and her husband too) and consider her one of best friends. On my trip to Waco from Houston, she called me a dozen times just to see how I was doing.
In retrospect, I would say that it really boils down to this simple fact:
If you ask someone you might (and probably will) get burned, but if you don't you will NEVER find someone.
In other words, Logic must overcome emotion.
Established Member
Dude you really should chill out, i mean think about it like when you asking out someone, they cant exactly kill you, maximum ull get turned down, and ull still be left with loadz more and you can just keep trying, and if nothing works
try someone on this forum
Established Member
I was saying that planetwatchers tale of romance was cute. Perhaps I should have quoted what I was responding to...You're so bad, dakini!
Moderator
G'day BBP,
When I was younger I used to be shy. Like go-red-in-the-face-and-break-out-in-a-sweat type of shy ... and then not follow through with whatever i was getting anxious about anyway. Which all left me wet from sweating, hot and bothered and still not having spoken to someone (usually off the opposite sex). At about 15/16 that stopped. My older cousin gave me a few pointers that i think are as applicable now (probably more so) as then. I still get nervous in certain situations but ...
[1] I use the "1, 2, 3" method. You've pretty much got to make a promise to yourself that at the count of three you'll say something to your intended. And when you do, a "hi, I'm banquo's_bumble_puppy (or similar)" is usually a good start. No lines or silliness. (Of course, knowing what you plan on saying next would be a good idea too).
[2] Also smile! Smiling goes a long way. people often can't help but smile at smiley, happy people. And it puts them at ease.
[3] Lastly, realise that everyone else (well for the most part) is just as scared and nervous about the whole process as you. Often, they'll be stand offish because it's their defence mechanism. Which is where part [2] comes back into play.
Member
I have a very intense fear of rejection. You wouldn't know it from my post counts, but I've made about 40 posts on this board. The problem? I can't bring myself to hit "Submit". Yes, I am deathly afraid of what a bunch of people I don't even know will think of me. (even this message has been rewritten a few times)
I find that the "1, 2, 3" method suggested by Josh is very effective. For everything. You can also break it down into smaller steps. I can't even call people on the phone sometimes, but when I enter the number, I focus on hitting the "talk" button. I'm not calling to ask them something, I'm just hitting the talk button. Or, I'm not making a potential fool of myself, I'm just saying "Hi" in the general direction of this person. It's rather like throwing yourself off a cliff the first time, but it's (relatively)easy once you get used to it.
I have realized that I'm always worrying about what other people think of what I have just said or done. The answer is, they usually don't! They're too busy worrying about the stupid things they have said or done. An excersice I like to do to help myself is to think of how many people I have seen made fools of themselves in the last week. The answer is always none. But I think I have done it five times already today, but in reality nobody cares!
Order of Kilopi
Seeker, you need to hit "submit" more. You make sense.
Established Member
I'm fine with talking to people, but I hate calling them, or meeting them at a certain place (Always nervous I have the time/place etc. wrong). I don't know why I dislike calling people, especially when I'm fine with posting online, I guess it's the voice part that does it.
Order of Kilopi
I'm kind of shy, but I've decided to do something about it. I've recently joined my university's debating union. If that doesn't knock me into place, nothing will. You might want to look into something similar, Banquo. Maybe toastmasters. I know one poster here is a member.
Order of Kilopi
TSC, that's a good idea. I took a similar path in college. What helped me the most was joining a "whose line" style improv group. I never did get good enough to be performance quality (my sense of humor isn't anywhere near mainstream enough, and I can't act my way out of a wet paper bag), but it did cure my stage fright and gave me enough confidence to speak in public.
... That and substitute teaching elementary and middle school.
Joining the improv group did wonders repairing the damage to my confidence and self-esteem that I suffered through constant abuse in middle and high school.
I still do suffer some anxiety phoning people I don't know, and I absolutely loathe leaving messages on answering machines, but funny enough, I've never minded answering the phone.
Established Member
Me too! I don't understand it! Even with people I know, if I've never called them before, I take a panic attack. I just freak out. I don't know what to do. And I never, ever leave messages. I'm more than happy to get phone calls, though. In fact, I have a phone in my room.
Established Member
I hate answering machines.
Seriously, if every answering machine was destroyed, I would be happy.
I always feel like an complete idiot whenever I leave a message, I think most of my messages end in "so... uh... yeah... call me back...... bye..."
Established Member
I have never left a (voice) message on one. For people I know, I just play a melody with the buttons instead; they usually know who it was
Established Member
I hate talking on the phone. I'd much rather talk to people in person.
If I ever get an interview on the phone...I'll be stuffed... :P
with regards
Established Member
Oddly enough, I love answering machines, if one picks up then I won't have to talk to someone on the phone. In a really odd twist I'm perfectly comfortable calling a business, I only get nervous if it's someone I know that I'm calling.
Order of Kilopi
I love leaving crazy ansering machine messages and recording things..
I used to have one that went on and on....
lol
drove people nuts
Order of Kilopi
Heh. What songs have you learned?I have never left a (voice) message on one. For people I know, I just play a melody with the buttons instead; they usually know who it was
(I'd insist upon In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. ...But I'd settle for or Copa Cabana.
Established Member
I've improved as I've got older, but still dislike initiating telephone calls (I'll sit there for five minutes sometimes, planning what I'm going to say before I lift the receiver and dial. Then, of course, they're not in.)
Back to BBP's problem. In my teens and twenties I too was pretty much unable to ask girls out, partly because I couldn't face the thought of rejection, but mostly for the reason that I cannot easily talk to strangers, and small talk is a foreign country! So well-meaning friends who would give advice like "why don't you just go over and talk to her" - simply didn't get it. What was I supposed to talk to them about?
Eddie Izzard does a brilliant routine in his stand-up show:
In my case, I decided to try the small ads in Private Eye. This was a bit before the Internet took over this whole area. I thought - at least I might get a reply - even if she's completely mad. Anyway, to cut a story short, we've been married three years! (And yes, she is completely mad, but in the same way I am, so that's OK too.)"Susan, I saw you in the classroom today. As the sun came from behind the clouds, a burst of brilliant light caught your hair, it was haloed in front of me. You turned, your eyes flashed fire into my soul, I immediately read the words of Dostoyevsky and Karl Marx, and in the words of Albert Schweitzer, 'I fancy you.' "
But no.
At 13, you're just going, " 'ello, Sue. I've got legs. Do you like bread? I've got a French loaf." ( smacking sound )
Banned
Someone left a recording of the entire Star Trek soundtrack on my machine once. I found out later it was my former two roommates. We would pull practical jokes on each other all the time. I wonder what happened to those funny boys.
Someone had a funny message machine story on the practicle jokes thread. I can't remember what it was now, but it had me laughing.
Established Member
I haven't practiced alot, so it is usually only a string on nonsense notes.Heh. What songs have you learned?
(I'd insist upon In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida. ...But I'd settle for or Copa Cabana.
Established Member
I am bold on internet, shy to meet. Make life interesting.
Established Member
conversation is the hard thing for me- if I meet a woman that I am attracted to- I clam up....when I was in my early 20's I couldn't be in the same room with an attractive young woman without blushing uncontrollably and hyper-ventillating on the odd occasion...(it was that bad)
Established Member
I actually "met" a girl on IRC. I wasn't trying to or anything, it just sort of happened. That was months ago. I plan on visiting her for spring break this year. My head is still spinning from the whole ordeal.
You actually *can* meet people on the internet, BBP. You get to talk to them before you ever meet them, and it really helps. The ice is already broken when you get there. You know things about them already. It makes it a lot easier.
On a first date, you talk about yourself. They talk about themselves. Each of you listen. You don't have to be interesting, you just have to be yourself. Remember, if this one's not impressed, there's always the next one. You're not trying to mass-market yourself, and appeal to everybody. You're putting yourself out there for someone else to buy into. Just display the goods, and if they're interested, they'll bite. If they're not, they'll move on. They're doing the same thing.
The thing you really have to realize is that it gets easier with practice. If you never do it, you'll always be alone, and wondering. If you just go out there and do it, at least you know, and knowing is half the battle.
Honestly, rejection isn't worth grieving over.
Here's what you have to do. Go out, and meet women. Don't do it for romantic purposes. Instead, just go talk to some women. People are far, far, far, far less likely to "reject" you platonically. Don't tell them you're not looking for anything, just go out there and not look. Without those expectations, you'll lift some of the pressure off of your shoulders. Your problem isn't with women, it's with you. This is a self esteem issue, and one of the best ways to gain some self esteem is to just talk to people and learn that they don't hate you.
If they don't hate you, you shouldn't either.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote