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Thread: Satirized Job Posting

  1. #1
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    Satirized Job Posting

    Job Title: Intergalactic Intelligence Officer
    Credential requirement: Apprentice of Intergalactic officer for at least 5 years; practical field work of 2 years or more.
    Abilities: Biological knowledge of any civilized species, clandestine communication between two people, ability to adopt to all types of civilizations.
    Pay: 3X the basic living requirements, based on area of operation.

  2. #2
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    Quote Originally Posted by Inclusa View Post
    Job Title: Intergalactic Intelligence Officer
    Credential requirement: Apprentice of Intergalactic officer for at least 5 years; practical field work of 2 years or more.
    Abilities: Biological knowledge of any civilized species, clandestine communication between two people, ability to adopt to all types of civilizations.
    Pay: 3X the basic living requirements, based on area of operation.
    Years of experience must be subjective to candidate, time dilation of travel is disallowed. Basic shape must be identical or adaptable to that of subject species. Living requirements include average equivalent to water (or other working solvent), food, atmosphere, temperature, solar exposure/shelter as needed, and major medical. Dental is not covered.
    I'm a cynical optimist. I think the only way out is through, but once we get through it'll be better. Very different, but better. Howard Tayler

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. Charles Darwin

    "It is the duty of the writers to seduce me into suspending my disbelief!" Paul Beardsley

    Power, Lord Acton says, corrupts. Not always. What power always does is reveal. Robert A. Caro

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by Inclusa View Post
    Job Title: Intergalactic Intelligence Officer
    Credential requirement: Apprentice of Intergalactic officer for at least 5 years; practical field work of 2 years or more.
    Abilities: Biological knowledge of any civilized species, clandestine communication between two people, ability to adopt to all types of civilizations.
    Pay: 3X the basic living requirements, based on area of operation.
    Experience with anal probes, cow evisceration, or drawing crop circles a major plus.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Inclusa View Post
    Job Title: Intergalactic Intelligence Officer
    Credential requirement: Apprentice of Intergalactic officer for at least 5 years; practical field work of 2 years or more.
    Abilities: Biological knowledge of any civilized species, clandestine communication between two people, ability to adopt to all types of civilizations.
    Pay: 3X the basic living requirements, based on area of operation.
    Must be self-trained, a self starter, provide own transportation and be able to make a profit with zero startup capital.

  5. #5
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    Must be willing to travel.

  6. #6
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    Must have sufficient piloting skills to make sharp 90 degree turns at night, with all headlights pointed groundward.
    I'm a cynical optimist. I think the only way out is through, but once we get through it'll be better. Very different, but better. Howard Tayler

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. Charles Darwin

    "It is the duty of the writers to seduce me into suspending my disbelief!" Paul Beardsley

    Power, Lord Acton says, corrupts. Not always. What power always does is reveal. Robert A. Caro

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    Pushing buttons may be required.

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    Addendum to Abilities: "Biological knowledge of any civilized species" to read as, "Biological knowledge of any civilized species, and specific know-how of offspring delivery of any species, especially breech deliveries".

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    Must wear a "grey alien" costume during all contacts with natives, in order to avoid confusing them.
    I'm a cynical optimist. I think the only way out is through, but once we get through it'll be better. Very different, but better. Howard Tayler

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. Charles Darwin

    "It is the duty of the writers to seduce me into suspending my disbelief!" Paul Beardsley

    Power, Lord Acton says, corrupts. Not always. What power always does is reveal. Robert A. Caro

  10. #10
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    Seeking angry person to scare away pigeons that keep pooping on the roof.
    Last edited by FarmMarsNow; 2014-Jun-16 at 02:30 AM.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Noclevername View Post
    Years of experience must be subjective to candidate, time dilation of travel is disallowed. Basic shape must be identical or adaptable to that of subject species. Living requirements include average equivalent to water (or other working solvent), food, atmosphere, temperature, solar exposure/shelter as needed, and major medical. Dental is not covered.
    Candidates with a record of causality violations will be disqualified.
    As above, so below

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    Artillery shell dud inspector. Hammer not included.

  13. #13
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    Work area is accessible only by Wormholes, must provide own worms.
    I'm a cynical optimist. I think the only way out is through, but once we get through it'll be better. Very different, but better. Howard Tayler

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. Charles Darwin

    "It is the duty of the writers to seduce me into suspending my disbelief!" Paul Beardsley

    Power, Lord Acton says, corrupts. Not always. What power always does is reveal. Robert A. Caro

  14. #14
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    Wanted, comedic writers for satirical website. Experience with current events is necessary. Please apply at theonion.com\applications\ and upload copies of your recent work.

    What do you mean the thread is about satirized job postings?
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

    All moderation in purple - The rules

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Swift
    What do you mean the thread is about satirized job postings?
    Satirical job postings; job postings that are either non$€n$€$ or extravagant beyond belief.

  16. #16
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    Satirical. ironic editor required for new magazine ERITAS & YNORI. Might help if you know the difference. Backwards experience irrelevant. If you have to google our address, don't bother. Patience is its own reword. Actually we already filled this post several times but are you feeling lucky?
    sicut vis videre esto
    When we realize that patterns don't exist in the universe, they are a template that we hold to the universe to make sense of it, it all makes a lot more sense.
    Originally Posted by Ken G

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    Duct tape experience preferred.

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    Expert pundit wanted. No qualifications necessary.
    I'm a cynical optimist. I think the only way out is through, but once we get through it'll be better. Very different, but better. Howard Tayler

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. Charles Darwin

    "It is the duty of the writers to seduce me into suspending my disbelief!" Paul Beardsley

    Power, Lord Acton says, corrupts. Not always. What power always does is reveal. Robert A. Caro

  19. #19
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    Telephone sanitizers of all skill levels needed, must be willing to travel.
    I'm a cynical optimist. I think the only way out is through, but once we get through it'll be better. Very different, but better. Howard Tayler

    It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. Charles Darwin

    "It is the duty of the writers to seduce me into suspending my disbelief!" Paul Beardsley

    Power, Lord Acton says, corrupts. Not always. What power always does is reveal. Robert A. Caro

  20. #20
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    Language sanitizers of the whole Internet, must be omniscient and omnipotent.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Inclusa View Post
    Job Title: Intergalactic Intelligence Officer
    Credential requirement: Apprentice of Intergalactic officer for at least 5 years; practical field work of 2 years or more.
    Abilities: Biological knowledge of any civilized species, clandestine communication between two people, ability to adopt to all types of civilizations.
    Pay: 3X the basic living requirements, based on area of operation.
    Must not projectile vomit due to inside out sensation produced by hyperspace travel.

  22. #22
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    A probability mechanic is needed to assist managers with derangements.

  23. #23
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    Politically correct "output" manager required: must have already gone mad. No criticism of mad people is implied by this advert. No interpretation of any sentence used in this advert can be cited as evidence of bias between people of any gender, height, age or dietary preference. "People" is not intended to exclude any persons of non peoplish tendency. Applicants need not be deemed to have applied for this post a prori, post hoc, or vice versa. Latin cultural predisposition will not be judged prejudicial even if we know what you mean. "Output" may or may not imply "input" even metaphorically and is not necessarily in the job description. Job is not intended to be a religious reference, or indeed any kind of reference. References required, probably.
    sicut vis videre esto
    When we realize that patterns don't exist in the universe, they are a template that we hold to the universe to make sense of it, it all makes a lot more sense.
    Originally Posted by Ken G

  24. #24
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    Wanted: Test subject

    Purpose: Brain state mapping (original not conserved) to artificial neural substrate located in a functional robotic body in humanoid form

    Pay: Volunteer only; you keep the robot

    Bonus Incentive: You get superpowers

    Test iteration: Inaugural test on human subject; new and shiny process

    Qualifications: Must be able to withstand two weeks of full sensory deprivation while nanobots construct links from brain to surrounding interfaces, in order to avoid full blown insanity resulting in forced termination

    Ideal background: 1,000 ATM posts, recent attendance at a Burning Man festival, new-age enlightened, or just plain credulous as all get-out. Our embedded science ROMs will provide all post-procedure rectifications needed. Providing you survive.

    Good luck, applications are now being accepted!
    Last edited by Hlafordlaes; 2014-Jul-08 at 10:00 PM.
    For each man, according to the measure of his intelligence, must speak what he can speak, and do what he can do. - Alfred, King of Wessex
    Calm down, have some dip. -George Carlin

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jens View Post
    Candidates with a record of causality violations will be disqualified.
    And so will candidates who will in the future have such a record, as well as those whose causality violations include not having a record of such causality violations.

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