Jokes

[Astronot]

Though not strictly a joke, these are funny anyway!

Some dubious metrics:
10**21 piccolos = 1 gigolo
10**15 coats = 1 petacoat
10**12 bulls = 1 terabull
10**12 microphones = 1 megaphone
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
billions and billions = 1 Sagan
10**9 lows = 1 gigalow
10**9 antics = 1 gigantic
10**9 questions = 1 gigawhat
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
2*10**3 mockingbirds = 2 kilo mockingbird

[Tranquility]

How many forum members to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Bawheid]

Tranquility =D> =D> =D>

[logicboy]

=D> This one's my favorite

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

Nice one

[jfribrg]

I have a dog with no legs. I call him cigarette because every morning I take him out for a drag.

[Swift]

Tranquility =D> =D> =D>

What, no one with the user name Lightbulbs_R_God gets banned for his personal attacks on the unbelievers who equate lightbulbs with meer devices!

[sidmel]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink, then notices a 12 inch guy playing a piano. Turning to the bar tender, he asks, “Where in the world did you find a 12 inch guy that plays a piano?” The bartender replies, “I found a lamp with a magic genie that gave me one wish.” Reaching under the bar, he then pulls out a lamp and hands it to the customer, saying, “Here, give it a try if you like.” The man thinks for a while, rubs the lamp, and poof! There’s a genie. The genie says, “Master, I can grant you one wish.’ The man thinks for a while, then says, “I’d like a million bucks!” Suddenly the bar is filled with a million ducks flopping and squawking all over the bar. Turning to the bar tender, the man demands, “What in the heck happened? I said I wanted a million bucks!!!!!” The bar tender replies, “Oh, I forgot to tell you. The genie’s a bit hard of hearing, do you really think I would have wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

#-o

[Gmann]

Tranquility has spent too much time on this board...btw =D>

[Tranquility]

Aww thanks for laughing at the joke i posted guys

And yep, Bad Master. Actually just noticed 8)

[Reacher]

A wild turkey walks into a bar and perches on top of one of the stools.
The bartender sees him and says "Hey! There's a drink named after you!"
The turkey replies, "What, Ernie?"

[Dickenmeyer]

An old man was taking his evening stroll around the pond behind his retirement home when all of a sudden a large frog hops up and squats down right in front of him. Curious the old fellow reaches down and picks up the frog which blurts out in plain clear English "Kiss me". Dumbstruck the old man can't utter a word and the frog repeats "Kiss me". FInally the old man regains some composure and stammers "Y-y-ou can t-talk!!"
"Yes", replies the frog, " I am actually a beautiful princess who was turned into a frog by a wicked enchantment long ago. If you kiss me I will return to my original form and shower you with love and riches." "Well isn't that something?" says the old man and he puts the frog in his coat pocket and resumes his walk. A few minutes later the frog says "Well, aren't you going to kiss me and turn me back into a princess?" "Nope", the old man says, "At my age I'd just as soon have a talking frog"

[Kiwi]

CHICKEN ARMONDI

1 large chicken
2 eggs
1 cup breadcrumbs
Salt and pepper
1 cup drained crushed pineapple
500 grams uncooked popcorn
1 cup diced onions
1 dessertspoon mixed herbs

Follow directions carefully. Mix all dry ingredients, add eggs and pineapple, and stuff into the chicken. Skewer up the cavity. Bake at 180 degrees C, basting regularly. Chicken will be found to be cooked when the popcorn blows the [rear] out of the chicken and the door off the oven.

[George]

Two friends, an astronomer and an astrophysicts, during their return flight from Europe, were startled to hear the captain announce an engine had failed. A 1 hour delay would result in their landing time in New York. A short time later, they noticed another engine on fire. The captain announced all was well as the other two engines would carry them safely, but with a 2 hour delay. As Murphy would have it, the third failed and grave concerns ensued. The captain asked all to stay calm as the remaining engine was fine and adequate, however, the delay would now be 4/1/2 hrs. The astronomer expressed deep concern as he feared the failure of the last engine. His astrophysicst friend stated...."I agree, otherwise we'll be up her all night!". Upon hearing this, the astronomer obtained the window seat.

[AGN Fuel]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers. The man drinks his and pours the other into a bowl for the giraffe, who laps it up. After this is repeated a few times, the giraffe starts swaying alarmingly and eventually collapses, unconscious, onto the bar-room floor.

At this, the man picks ups his jacket and says, 'Well, better be off home' and starts to walk out the door.

The bartender points to the slumbering giraffe on the floor and yells, "Hey buddy, you can't leave that lyin' there!" to which the man replies.....





"That's not a lion. It's a giraffe!"

(sorry ops: )

[jfribrg]

Two philosophers were in a restaurant. One ordered a chicken salad and the other ordered an egg salad, so they could see which came first.

As they were sitting there, Rene Decartes walks in. One of them said "Care to join us?" Decartes said "I think not." and he disappeared.

[bbtuna]

I got a couple



What do you get when you cross a pig and a rat?

Pig rat sine theta




A farmer's chickens keep getting sick and he has no idea why. He calls a biologist, a chemist, and a physicist to help out. The biologist examines the chickens throughly and declares, "I don't know what is wrong with your chickens." The chemist then preforms some tests and takes some measurements of the chickens and says, "I don't know why your chickens are sick." The physicist then looks at the chickens. He stares at them for a long time before writing things down on his notepad. He then proceeds to preform several long and very difficult calculations before saying to the farmer, "I know why your chickens are getting sick. I've found the solution, but it only works for spherical chickens in a vacuum."

[jfribrg]

An astronomer, a physicist, and a mathmetician are riding on a train in Ireland. They pass by a farm that has a lone white cow. The astronomer says "How about that, all cows in Ireland are all white." The physicist corrects him and says that some cows in Ireland are all white. The mathmetician corrects both of them by saying that in Ireland, there exists at least one cow that is at least half white.

[wackywizjr]

Watch for Quantum ducks... Quark Quark

[AliCali]

The current manager of the NY Yankees, Joe Torre, used to play for the Yankees. For a while, he played catcher (this is all true).

However, he hated the nickname "Chicken". Because then he would be Chicken Catcher Torre.

[Dickenmeyer]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.

Were they long necks?

[gzhpcu]

A Letter from Grandma

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes:

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Love,
Grandma

[Candy]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.

Were they long necks?

I bet at least one was a long neck.

[Swift]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe and orders two beers.

Were they long necks?

I bet at least one was a long neck.

That's like the one about the horse that goes into the bar and plops down on a stool. The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

[Wally]

2 of 'em for ya. . .

A guy's sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down and sees a snail. He picks up the snail and chucks it into the field across the street.

3 years later, the guy's watching TV again. He hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down, and there's a snail again. The snail looks up at the guys and says, "what the heck was that all about!"



Next one:

A snail's walking downtown when 2 turtles come out of the alley and beat him up. Later, the cops ask "did you get a good look at the attackers". The snail says, "No, it all happened so fast".

Ba-da-BOOM!

truth be told, these jokes work better orally rather than written, especially when done quickly back to back. It also helps if your audience is slightly warped. . .

[ZaphodBeeblebrox]

2 of 'em for ya. . .

A guy's sitting on his couch watching TV when he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down and sees a snail. He picks up the snail and chucks it into the field across the street.

3 years later, the guy's watching TV again. He hears a knock on the door. He opens the door, but no one's there. He looks down, and there's a snail again. The snail looks up at the guys and says, "what the heck was that all about!"



Next one:

A snail's walking downtown when 2 turtles come out of the alley and beat him up. Later, the cops ask "did you get a good look at the attackers". The snail says, "No, it all happened so fast".

Ba-da-BOOM!

truth be told, these jokes work better orally rather than written, especially when done quickly back to back. It also helps if your audience is slightly warped. . .

More Warped than us ...

Not Possible!

:P

[Chuck]

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

[Gullible Jones]

LOL, good one Chuck!

[Chuck]

An old man is talking long-distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, give me back the party!"

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to make the call all over again."

He says, "What do you want from my life? Give me back da party."

She says, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to place the call again."

He says, "Operator, ya know what? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where!" And he hangs up.

Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out."

He says, "Why?"

They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you'd like to call up and apologize, we'll leave the telephone here."

He says, "Wait a minute, what's da rush, what's da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-where?"

She says, "Yes?"

He says, "Well, get ready -- they're bringin' it to ya!"

[AliCali]

An elderly woman in Florida has an incredibly vivid dream that her son dies in a car crash in California. Suddenly, she's awoken by a phone call. It's the California Highway Patrol calling to remind her that she does not have a son.

--Dave Barry

[Chuck]

UNCLE AL'S GUIDE TO THE BEAST

• 666 - Number of the Beast
• 666A - Tenant of the Beast
• 668 - Neighbor of the Beast
• 66666-6666 - Zip Code+4 of the Beast
• Motel 666 - Lodging of the Beast
• 666 Whitehall - Address of British Prime Minister Beast
• 666 Pennsylvania Ave - Address of US President Beast
• vi vi vi - Editor of the Beast
• 6 - Acronym of the Beast
• 999 - The Australian Beast
• 666" - Baby Beast holding an apple
• 66o - Circumcision of the Beast
• (38-24-36)666 - Beauty and the Beast
• 666666666666 - Stutter of the Beast
• 555 - Number of the Munchkin Beast
• 6*6^6~ - Number of the Professional Wrestling Beast
• 999 - Number of the dead Beast
• sex-sex-sex - Number of the horny Beast
• Wilde666 - The African savannah wildeBeast
• NCC-666 - Starship of the Beast
• NCC-666D - Starship of the Beast, The Next Generation
• C666PO - Protocol droid of the Beast (fluent in over 6.66
• million forms of damnation)
• R666D666 - R666 unit of the Beast
• ^^^ - Caps Lock of the Beast
• 666 666 - Stereo picture of the number of the Beast
• 666 999 - Number of the Beast with a two-fold axis
• C666 - Fullerene of the Beast
• 111 - Empirical formula of the Beast
• 670 - Approximate number of the Beast
• DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast
• 666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast
• 0.666 - Number of the MilliBeast
• 1/666 - Reciprocal of the Beast
• 4969 - Prime number of the Beast
• 666i - Imaginary number of the Beast
• 2,3,37 - Prime factors of the Beast
• 443,556 - Squared Beast
• 666pi - Circumference of the Beast
• -0.80901699 - Sin of the Beast
• 0.58778525 - Cos of the Beast
• x^(666) - Power of the Beast
• 1-666 - One Less Beast
• 1010011010 - Binary of the Beast
• 29A - Hexadecimal of the Beast
• 1501.5015... - Reciprocal parts-per-million of the Beast
• 2.823474 - Log of the Beast
• 6.501290 - Ln of the Beast
• 1-666-666-6667 - Wrong number of the Beast
• 1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now! Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
• $665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
• $699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax
• $769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
• replacement soul
• $656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
• $646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast
• 2x4x666 - Lumber of the Beast
• 333 - Eric the half-a-Beast
• 6 and whatever - Number of Hippie Beast
• 66F - Number of the Breast
• Chanel No. 666 - Perfume of the Beast
• 666 F - Oven temperature of roast Beast
• Heinz 666 - Relish of the Beast
• 666-UP - Soft drink of the Beast
• 666 pack - Beer of the Beast
• Vick's Formula 666 - Cough syrup of the Beast
• 6:06:06AM - Morning call of the Beast
• 6:06:06PM - Dinnertime of the Beast
• 666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
• 666 - Daily Lotto "Pick3" of the Beast
• 6-6-6 - Beast hits slots jackpot!
• 666 Binet - IQ of the Beast
• 666 Cattel - IQ of the British Beast
• 0.666 Welscher - IQ of the American Beast
• 666-666 - Eyesight of Beast
• 666EEE - Shoe size of Beast
• Car 666 - Tootie and Muldoon of the Beast
• 666 Sunset Strip - TV show of the Beast
• 666 mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
• 6.66% - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast of Hell
• National Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
• ddd - Mirror of the Beast
• 66/6 - Music beat of the Beast
• 666 Hz - Tuning fork of the Beast
• 666 MHz - Radio Beast
• Channel 666 - Cable TV of the Beast
• MIL-666 - US Quality Standard of the Beast
• ISO-666 - European Quality Standard of the Beast
• DIN 666 - Deutsche Industrie Norm fuer Biesten
• DSM-666 (rev.) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
• 666th BSF - 666th Beast Special Forces
• 666th Airborne - 666th Beast Airborne Unit
• @@@ - Encryption of the Beast
• Windows 666 - Bill Gates IS the Beast
• WfW 6.66 - Windows for Workbeasts
• 665.999948 - Intel Pentium calculator of the Beast
• Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast
• Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast
• 666.66.6.66.1 - IP number of the Beast
• http://www.666.com - URL of the Beast
• beast@6... - Email of Beast
• 666P - TCP/IP protocol of the Beast
• 606 - Not Found Error of the Beast
• rw-rw-rw- - UNIX file protection of the Beast
• 666.666 - Library of Congress number "Book of Beast"
• 666 VAC/DC - This Beast is bi-
• 666 W - Power of the Beast
• 666 J - Energy of the Beast
• i66686 - Intel CPU of the Beast
• 680666 - Motorola CPU of the Beast
• System 666 - Mac OS of the Beast
• EMI666 - CD catalog number of Soundtrack of the Beast
• Flight 666 - First class booked reservation of the Beast
• Boeing 666 - Jet of the Beast
• Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast
• Route 666 - Way of the Beast
• Cummins 666 - Diesel Beast
• R66/6 - Old BMW motorcycle of the Beast
• 666i - BMW of the Beast
• 666DL - Volvo of the Beast
• Lexus 666 - Luxury sedan of the Beast
• F 666 - Ferrari of the Beast (8 liter @ 12 cyls)
• Mazda 666 - Economy car of the Beast
• 999 - Mate of the Beast
• Sick Sick Sick - Humor of the Beast
• 6, uh... what was the question? - Number of the Blonde Beast