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Thread: Jokes

  1. #1
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    Jokes

    I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

    But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

    "My female android went to the Bahamas."

    "Jamaica?"

    "No, I bought her in Novatech."

  2. #2
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    "Is that a pocket calculator, or are you just happy to see me?"

    <-runs and hides

  3. #3
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley
    I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

    But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

    "My female android went to the Bahamas."

    "Jamaica?"

    "No, I bought her in Novatech."
    Reminds me of a joke that was old when it made its (hopefully) final appearance on the Monkees show back in the 1960s:

    "I just got back from Africa where I spent a lot of time playing cards with the natives."

    "Oh, Zulus?"

    "No, I usually won!"

  4. #4
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Maksutov
    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley
    I'm bored, and in need of some good jokes.

    But in the absence of good jokes, here's one of mine:

    "My female android went to the Bahamas."

    "Jamaica?"

    "No, I bought her in Novatech."
    Reminds me of a joke that was old when it made its (hopefully) final appearance on the Monkees show back in the 1960s:

    "I just got back from Africa where I spent a lot of time playing cards with the natives."

    "Oh, Zulus?"

    "No, I usually won!"
    Abbott and Costello:

    "You don't have a very high IQ, a High IQ."

    "Well, I IQ, too. I IQ, very much."

    [Ducks a Tomato]

    :roll:

  5. #5
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    Er, my request was for good jokes.

    Or am I being punished?


  6. #6
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    Hey, at least I made mine up. 8-[

  7. #7
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Paul Beardsley
    Er, my request was for good jokes.

    Or am I being punished?

    Hey, you answered your own question! Give that person 100 more jokes equal in quality to the one that the OP inflicted on us!

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  9. #9
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    This isn't a joke, but I came across it in the Top 100 Quotes at Bash.org:

    <Ben174> : If they only realized 90% of the overtime they pay me is only cause i like staying here playing with Kazaa when the bandwidth picks up after hours.
    <ChrisLMB> : If any of my employees did that they'd be fired instantly.
    <Ben174> : Where u work?
    <ChrisLMB> : I'm the CTO at LowerMyBills.com
    *** Ben174 (BenWright@TeraPro33-41.LowerMyBills.com) Quit (Leaving)
    There's a lot of good stuff over there, if you don't mind getting "dirty" from time to time. Heh...

  10. #10
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    A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doc, I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I think I'm a teepee and sometimes I think I'm a wigwam." The doc says, "You better lie down. You're two tents."

  11. #11
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    "I have a dog with no nose"

    "How does he smell?"

    "Aweful"

  12. #12
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    A man walks into a bar and there is a horse tending it. The man just stands there with a shocked expression on his face.
    The horse says, "What! You've never seen a horse tend bar?"
    The man says, "No, I just can't believe the cow sold the place".
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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  13. #13
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    A gorilla, a giraffe, and a zebra walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "What is this, a joke?"
    "I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind." - William Thompson, 1st Baron Lord Kelvin

    "If it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - Tweedledee

    This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli

  14. #14
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    Here's a really nerdy math joke, but it still cracks me up.

    "Two mathematicians are in a bar. The waitress comes over and hands them their drinks. One mathematicians is complaining about the lack of basic calculus knowledge in today's population. The other one says, 'I bet you $10 that our waitress can answer a calculus question.' Naturally, the first mathematician agrees to the bet. So the other one excuses himself to go to the restroom, but instead goes up to the waitress and says, 'Listen, here's $5. When you come over to the table in a minute, I'm gonna ask you a question. Whatever that question is, I want you to say x to the fourth over four, ok?' She agrees. The man sits back at the table. A minute later the waitress comes over to the table. The second mathematician says to the first, 'ok, ready? Excuse me ma'am, but what is the integral of x cubed?' The waitress looks at the men and says, 'we'll that's easy. It's x to the fourth over four.......plus a constant."

  15. #15
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    Here is another nerdy math joke. I've heard this many times, but I figured I'd beat toSeek to it.

    There was a tribe of american indians. One day a pregnant woman shows up at the tent of the medicine man and says she is in labor. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver the baby. Before he starts, another woman in labor shows up. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver both babies. Just then another woman shows up. The only thing he can lay her on is a hippopotamus skin. The whole tribe gathers outside to wait for news on the births. The woman on the deer skin gave birth to a boy. Then the woman on the bear skin gave birth to another boy. Everyone was overjoyed when the third woman gave birth to twin boys. Which only serves to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Candy
    Hey, at least I made mine up. 8-[
    I do appreciate your efforts, honest!

  17. #17
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    Thanks for your jokes, everyone. Quite a few have cheered me up no end.

    And I might sound like a nerd, but I do enjoy the maths ones!

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by jfribrg
    Here is another nerdy math joke. I've heard this many times, but I figured I'd beat toSeek to it.

    There was a tribe of american indians. One day a pregnant woman shows up at the tent of the medicine man and says she is in labor. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver the baby. Before he starts, another woman in labor shows up. He lays her on a deer skin and prepares to deliver both babies. Just then another woman shows up. The only thing he can lay her on is a hippopotamus skin. The whole tribe gathers outside to wait for news on the births. The woman on the deer skin gave birth to a boy. Then the woman on the bear skin gave birth to another boy. Everyone was overjoyed when the third woman gave birth to twin boys. Which only serves to show that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.
    . 8) It's accurate, too (unlike Oz's Scarecrow)
    We know time flies, we just can't see its wings.

  19. #19
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    A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any duck food. the bartender says no, and the duck leaves. the next day, the duck comes back and asks the bartender if he has any duck food, the bartender says no, and the duck leaves. On the third day the duck walks in an is about to ask, when the bartender yells "If you ask me for duck food, I'll nail your feet to the bar" The duck says nothing and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar and asks the bartender "got any nails?" to which the bartender answers "no". "In that case" the duck says "got any duck food?"

  20. #20
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    "My mother never breast feed me. She said she just wanted to be friends." (in rememberance of Rodney Dangerfield)

  21. #21
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    Are you still bored, Paul?

    A & M just announced they will send a rover to the Sun. They plan to go at night.
    We know time flies, we just can't see its wings.

  22. #22
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    OK, here's an astonomy related one.

    An astronomer is on an exedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose aas a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibal's language he knows he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him.

    The guard replies "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest poinat in the sky on the day after they're captured. Then they may be cooked and ready for the evening meal."

    The astronomer thinks "Great, this should work perfectly."

    Then the guard says, "But since everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
    "I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot measure it, when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind." - William Thompson, 1st Baron Lord Kelvin

    "If it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be, but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" - Tweedledee

    This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. - Wolfgang Pauli

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gmann
    A duck walks into a bar . . .
    A duck walks up to the check-out lane with a tube of chapstick.

    The clerk says, "You going to pay cash for this?"

    The duck says, "No, just put it on my bill."

  24. #24
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    Child: Which is closer, Melbourne or the moon?
    Blonde Mother: *Sigh* Can you see Melbourne?

  25. #25
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    Re: Jokes

    Quote Originally Posted by Candy
    "Is that a pocket calculator, or are you just happy to see me?"

    <-runs and hides
    40 years ago, the then-current version of that joke would have been even funnier:

    Gal:"Is that a slide rule calculating the sum of 2*30 on the C and D scales in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

  26. #26
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    Since we seem to be plumbing the depths here; to be read with a Scottish accent,

    Man in bakers shop: Is that a cake or a meringue?
    Baker: You're quite right, its a cake.

    (Runs and hides)

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bawheid
    Since we seem to be plumbing the depths here; to be read with a Scottish accent,

    Man in bakers shop: Is that a cake or a meringue?
    Baker: You're quite right, its a cake.

    (Runs and hides)
    Lol, I had to read it a few times to myself (all with increasingly thicker accents) before I got it. =D>

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  29. #29
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    My favorite light bulb joke.....



    How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?


    Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

  30. #30
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    Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
    At night the stars put on a show for free (Carole King)

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