Why oh why?

[gzhpcu]

This is the true story of a very nice, gentle, warm-hearted woman, that my wife and I are friends with. She has three grown children, and is a housewife. She visits a retirement home regularly and brings home-baked cakes for the elderly. She has a bowl of chocolates and cookes at home for the neighborhood children, when they pass by on their way home from school over lunchtime. She is a very beautiful woman, always neatly dressed. When she invites people over for supper she decorates the table with flowers, chocolate hearts and candles. She never speaks badly about anybody.

All this, in spite of the fact, that as a child her mother used to beat her, kick her, sadistically prick her with needles, her stepfather would sexually abuse her. When he tried to rape her, she ran away from home at the age of 16, and worked as a nurse.

She married a man at an early age, who soon afterwards began to scream and yell at her. He would call her the must vulgar names imagineable. He criticized her constantly for the most trivial things, never appreciated how nicely dressed and made up she was, never paid her any compliment on her fine cooking. Her mother-in-law, who witnessed many of these outbreaks, told her, to just ignore them and pretend like nothing! None of his relatives ever had the moral courage to confront him about this. He is, after all, a very successful banker...

She soon thought of leaving him, but by that time she had three small children, and for their sake, put up with his verbal abuse, even abjecting herself to make the first step afterwards for peace. And so it went on and on. She poured out all her love to her children. She gave them all the love, which she never received herself to them. She never complained, and was always smiling and friendly towards everyone, especially children and the elderly. Hardly anyone could have suspected what she was putting up with.

He would come home and then just sit in front of TV and watch action movies. If he went out, it was usually just to ride her motorcycle. She was his wife, but he practically ignored her. At dinner parties, he would sneer and make sarcastic, disparging remarks about her in front of others. She had been a housewife all her life, raising three children, so she did not have the higher education he did. And he constantly reminder her of it. Hinting that she was not very bright in front of friends. When she told my wife and I all this, was the first time I saw tears in her eyes.

She always prayed that one day she could meet someone who would give her love in return. And, one day she did. A very warm-hearted man and they fell in love. Now, after two and a half years, she has finally decided to leave her husband, because her grown children had all left home to start a life of their own. Her husband, angry that she was refusing conjugal rights, had not spoken one word to her at home for over a month. He was used to using this type of psycho terror to bend her to his will. But this time, since she met a very loving person, it did not work.

The incredible thing is that she says she feels sorry for her husband! She is right now in the process of leaving him, but is still bothered by a type of guilt feeling. I have told her that she has nothing to reproach herself.

Why do these things happen to nice people, and why is it the nice people who have guilt feelings?

[HenrikOlsen]

... and why is it the nice people who have guilt feelings?
Being able to feel guilt is one of the things that makes people nice.

[Buttercup]

I agree with Henrik.

Also, this wonderful lady friend might view her 1st husband as ill. She's also unfortunately somewhat "used to" (conditioned towards) abuse. Often the abused feel sorry for their abusers; as though they are ill.

I sincerely hope this lady's new love interest is truly a good person who treats her well, and their romance is long-lived. :)

[Salty]

I think Henrik said it best.

Buttercup has a good point.

I might add, that the wife may still love him, and so is sad at the necessary evil of parting with him.

[gzhpcu]

I think Henrik said it best.

Buttercup has a good point.

I might add, that the wife may still love him, and so is sad at the necessary evil of parting with him.
As far as I understand it, she doesn't love him anymore, but still feels a certain affection for him, despite his abusive ways. She had tried leaving him once already 10 years ago, but being a housewife with three 12 to 14 year old kids, was scared to do so. Since then they have been leading separate lives practically. It was only when she met a really fine, warm-hearted guy that she found the courage to finally do it. The guy is one of the nicest, modest good-looking guys around. Am happy for both of them.

[gzhpcu]

I just get so furious at the injustice of it all. He has no remorse, and thinks he is in the right..:mad: At work, he plays the "nice guy", at home he is a horrible choleric person. A real Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde...

[Salty]

As far as I understand it, she doesn't love him anymore, but still feels a certain affection for him,..."

That explains it, then.

Thanks, for filling in the details. They mean a lot, in a situation like this.

[Buttercup]

As far as I understand it, she doesn't love him anymore, but still feels a certain affection for him, despite his abusive ways.

Perhaps that harkens back to when they first met and began dating. Likely he was "Dr. Jekyll" then and she's still affectionate for the man she knew years ago (or what he falsely presented himself as). Also having children together would create a bond of sorts.


It was only when she met a really fine, warm-hearted guy that she found the courage to finally do it. The guy is one of the nicest, modest good-looking guys around. Am happy for both of them.

I certainly, absolutely wish them both the very best. She deserves love, happiness, security. :) :)


I just get so furious at the injustice of it all. He has no remorse, and thinks he is in the right..

Yep. King Solomon said "The ways of each person are right in their own eyes." But some of us are more afflicted with self-blindness than others. :rolleyes: And it's usually the worst offenders who most voraciously justify themselves. :(

[sarongsong]

...He is, after all, a very successful banker...See San Francisco's "Banker's Heart (http://www.tompeters.com/blogs/main/008851.php)" sculpture.
...She is right now in the process of leaving him...This can be a very dangerous time for her and her new interest; trying to get away from such an imbalanced, controlling moron. All the best to her and hers.

[gzhpcu]

Am sure all will go well, they are really and truly deeply in love with each other. It is just incredible that she put up with it for so long...

I was also astonished that she phoned her violent abusive mother, who is in a retirement home, to wish her a happy Mother's day.. "She is still my mother..." she said simply.

[Jason_Roberts]

I come from a family of co-dependents, alcoholics, drug abusers and high school drop outs. And I don't just mean my immediate household or recent past, I mean everywhere and everywhen in my family.

Both my father and one of my siblings are violent felons. They have never fulfilled any form of treatment or obeyed a single directive issued forth from a judge. One of them is even on the lamb as I write this and the other will be soon when it is discovered he has violated every aspect of his parole. We're talking about people who's destiny truly is hopeless and unavoidable. People who serve no purpose in society and have no hope of rehabilitation. I've long given up on them.

My mother? Well, she's just fine. No record or a single bad spot. Except that she is perhaps one of the most battered, codependent and masochistic human beings I have ever known. When I was younger, she would often attack me with a knife (or anything sharp) whenever I made an attempt to report or turn in my father for something that he done to her or one of my siblings. I have long observed that she actually cannot exist in a peaceful or quiet environment that is free of the threat of violence without suffering a psychological breakdown as a result. I'm not at all kidding.

I also suffer from schizoaffective disorder which became the most pronounced at the time of greatest strife in my adolescence, that is, while living in poverty.

But I survived. Don't ask me how.

What you are describing in the OP is basically something I've wondered about all my life. Why do some people fight all odds, survive incredible trauma and continue to live as a 'normal' person totally unscathed? Why do some even flourish afterward?

I really think that some people are just made stronger than others. That really doesn't say much of any sense, but it is the only way I can think of it.

One of my (very few) goals is to just be able to outlive my family. Obviously, this will probably come true as a matter of course. But as often as I am forced to deal with them and suffer their various actions, I believe that my life may not even really begin to move forward with any significance until theirs have eventually ended. That sounds morbid, I understand. But I don't see the wrong in allowing them to just gradually destroy one-another naturally, as wicked people tend to do to fellow wicked people. What in the world can cure a rottenness that profound?

But I'm ranting...

Anyway, my point: I seem to have made it out of the worst parts of my life and have become capable of an independent existence. I have no lingering behavioral problems that I used to carry with me when I was much younger.

I don't know how good people come from horrible people (and I am not saying that I am 'good' or an infallible person in any sense.) I've seen them too. I meet them often, and a few of them from this very message board.

Their existence is just as baffling to me as it is to you.

[Buttercup]

This can be a very dangerous time for her and her new interest; trying to get away from such an imbalanced, controlling moron. All the best to her and hers.

True. :( I'm concerned this man might "take vengeance"... :( A sense of entitlement/"property" can lead to all sorts of unpleasant reactions.

[Buttercup]

I have long observed that she actually cannot exist in a peaceful or quiet environment that is free of the threat of violence...

If I may comment: My husband comes from a chaotic home filled with strife (and sometimes violence). His neighborhood was "lean and mean." He's seen a different way of thinking/reacting/expressing as our marriage (16 years) has continued; however, he's still drawn to court TV programs like Judge Judy or other "talk shows" where people are raising voices, verbally attacking each other. :( I've pointed this out to him.

People get conditioned to things...sometimes unfortunately so. Some folks unconsciously seek to re-create what's familiar...even if to their continued detriment.

As for difficult families/homesteads, I too have seen people successfully break away and create a good/rewarding life in spite of it. I suppose much of it depends on levels of insight, foresight, character, the ability to observe, etc.

[Appleblythe]

Very nice story. It's inspiring. Nice post.

[Jason_Roberts]

If I may comment: My husband comes from a chaotic home filled with strife (and sometimes violence). His neighborhood was "lean and mean." He's seen a different way of thinking/reacting/expressing as our marriage (16 years) has continued; however, he's still drawn to court TV programs like Judge Judy or other "talk shows" where people are raising voices, verbally attacking each other. :( I've pointed this out to him.

Ah, I actually avoid those shows for that reason. Noisy disputes usually make me want to draw myself into a turtle shell and never come out.

[gzhpcu]

Jason,
I wish you well and hope all works out for the best for you.

[pinkunicorn]

what a tragic story - good on the woman for having the guts to leave this evil man!

[gzhpcu]

I have a little confession to make...

This is the story of my wife and I... This took place 2 years ago. I married her and we love each other more than anything... We are living happily ever after...

And just a small postscript... she saved my life, because as I posted a few months back, I suddenly had a life-threatening infection of my aorta in the stomach area. She insisted I see a doctor immediately. She sent me to the hospital, and they operated me in the nick of time... We are each others guardian angels...:)

[mugaliens]

Why do these things happen to nice people,

Because not so nice people tend to take advantage of nice people.


...and why is it the nice people who have guilt feelings?

They have a conscience! Like all things, that's a good thing, in moderation. But it must be balanced by healthy boundaries and the willingness to tell someone to take a hike when those boundaries are repeatedly disrespected.

[sarongsong]

...and the willingness to tell someone to take a hike when those boundaries are repeatedly disrespected....and if you later find they took your $600 with them, then what? :(

[mugaliens]

...and if you later find they took your $600 with them, then what? :(

Then it's time to use that baseball bat to which Chrissy alludes in her signature block!

[HenrikOlsen]

...and if you later find they took your $600 with them, then what? :(
Call it a cheap price for getting rid of them and be happy.