Classy insults

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

Been seeing a lot of classy insults in the forums lately. Indirect and sneaky ones that fulfill their purpose without moderator intervention.

Post your classy jokes here. funny, sarcastic anything. Invent your own.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill


"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow


"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)


"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)


"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas


"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx


"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain


:)

[toejam]

A self-taught man with a great admiration for his teacher...
Anonymous

[Argos]

What? No Oscar Wilde quote? :)

[mike alexander]

"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.”

(On Katharine Hepburn) “She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.”

"Well done, we didn't know you had it in you."

– Dorothy Parker

[Paul Beardsley]

I once had a colleague who never ever understood jokes, and I had to explain them to him. (Strangely, he'd laugh once they were explained.)

One day he asked what irony was. So I said to him, "Be very careful of irony, because even someone as switched on as yourself can miss it."

Another colleague said, "Is it my imagination or is it cold in here?" I replied, "It must be cold, given that you have no imagination whatsoever." This was unprovoked and unfair.

[mike alexander]

Good one, though.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

[brianok]

"He's a man of the world: a little bulgy at the equator.
(origin unknown)

[mike alexander]

"He's so dumb he has to look up to see stupid."

[R.A.F.]

My favorite is an old submariners insult. Not really "classy", and I can't repeat it on this board. :)

[Frog march]

"you guys are so unhip it's a wonder your bums don't fall off" , Zaphod Beeblebrox

[KaiYeves]

Paraphrasing
"All of the space program costs less than just fixing the errors of the Defense Department." - Carl Sagan

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)


"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

[KaiYeves]

"One must wonder which end of Lowell's telescope the inteligence was at."

[danscope]

My favorite is an old submariners insult. Not really "classy", and I can't repeat it on this board. :)

" He has a brain........but......if you set it on the edge of a razor blade, it would
appear
like a BB in the middle of a super highway."
This insult was not bantered about casually. It took quite a bit to earn.
Dan

[C18H27NO3]

"She has certain Elenor Roosevelt qualities"
The movie Arthur. Sir John Guilgud(sp?) referring to Liza Minelli (perhaps only indirectly).

[danscope]

I think Sir John also said....." Good bye, Dear. Good luck in prison."

[mike alexander]

"If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose."

"Have you checked to see if the warranty on your brain's still good? You might be able to get a refund."

[KaiYeves]

"If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your nose."
Or, as Terry Deary said
"If brains were gunpowder, you couldn't move your hat one inch."
And that "Lowell" quote was also by Sagan.

[mike alexander]

My earliest recollection of the brains/dynamite quote comes from Ben Cartwright on Bonanza, ca. 1961.

[Arneb]

Some writer (Brecht?) in a letter to a critic: "Sitting in the restroom, I have your critique of my last work in front of me. It'll be behind me soon."

[Ilya]

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard

Modern variation:

"There's nothing wrong with him that an IQ transplant won't fix."

Joe Haldeman

[tdvance]

He has a mind like a lightning bolt--and an attention span to match.

[KaiYeves]

"If I had your intelligence, I'd keep off the airwaves. ET will be searching for intelligent life, you know." -Me
"You won't go to High School Reunion as you'll be on a book tour. Those bullies won't go to High School Reunion because they'll be ashamed of working at Wallmart." -My uncle Nick

[Noclevername]

You're as smart as a steel trap. --Me

[Noclevername]

Have you lost weight? Good, I'd like to see less of you. --Groucho Marx

[Noclevername]

You have the perfect face for radio, and the perfect voice for silent films.

[Noclevername]

From Monty Python: "My lord, you are like a stream of bat's pee."

"WHAT?"

"I mean, you shine out like a shaft of gold when all else around you is dark."

[KaiYeves]

"Sire, you are like the full moon."
"Why thank you, ambassdor, but isn't that treason to your king?"
"No, he's like the new moon- his glory can only become greater. You're like the full moon- it can only become smaller."
-The Birbal Tales.

[KaiYeves]

Watch out for crocs, because you're living in De Nile- Me

[Ilya]

"I bear my ex-wife no ill will. It is not her fault she bursts into flames whenever she crosses hallowed ground."

[toejam]

Diophantine equations, anyone?
Sounds like a classy insult to a numbskull like me.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

Diophantine equations, anyone?
Sounds like a classy insult to a numbskull like me.

LucasVB's signature:



"I am accustomed, as a professional mathematician,
to living in a sort of vacuum, surrounded by people who declare
with an odd sort of pride that they are mathematically illiterate."
— David Mumford

[KaiYeves]

"You know the 'Mars Face'?"
"You mean that doesn't exist?"
"Oh, it doesn't? Because you have such a family resemblence..."
(This is where you get punched.)

[korjik]

'You must be a very blissful person.'

I think I may have used that one here before.

[KaiYeves]

See that monkey? That's your mom, that is.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

And who can forget the classic from JayUtah: :)


MarsRevealer: ...upon your amazing skills at investigating this issue.

JayUtah: I have investigated the issue and I have found the charlatan behind it.

[Tim Thompson]

One of Abraham Lincoln's contemporaries called him "a first rate, second rate man", but I can't remember who.

How about ...

I've met a lot of people in my time, but you ain't one of 'em

Did your mother have any kids who lived?

[KaiYeves]

From Age of Mythology.
Enemy: I have advanced to the Mythic Age
Me: Your brain's a Myth.

[Noclevername]

Here's one I just used on the Gee, you've put on weight (http://www.bautforum.com/off-topic-babbling/65534-gee-youve-put-some-weight-3.html) thread: "You sure seemed smart when I first met you."

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

It may be possible that your only purpose in life is to be set as a warning to others.

Your humor is what gives me the confidence to express mine.

[KaiYeves]

I've seen your face, there's nothing I fear anymore. Hello, death.

[toejam]

Are all Vegans vegan or just vague? (Just kidding O Kai?)

[chrissy]

your as much use as a cat flap on a submarine

[chrissy]

are you on a brain sharing scheme and someone forgot to give you it back?:doh:

[KaiYeves]

Mars may be hostile to intelligent life, but the inside of your head looks a whole lot worse.

[Noclevername]

A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Please stop.

[KaiYeves]

I must say, your eyebrows give you an astonishingly simian appearance.
Sir, your speech was of absoultely infantessimal value.

[chrissy]

you have a face for the radio

[Noclevername]

You not only prove that we evolved from apes, but that we aren't finished yet.

[KaiYeves]

You disprove the theory of intelligent design.

[Noclevername]

You're not entirely useless, you exhale CO2, which helps plants grow.

[Noclevername]

That dress almost looks good on you!

[Noclevername]

You know the saying, "just be yourself"? Well, it wasn't meant for everyone...

[reidenschneider]

"i have read your book it is both good and original, but that which is good is not original and that which is original is not good."

dr. johnson :lol:

[KaiYeves]

The good thing is that I liked your book. The bad thing is that's mostly because I couldn't translate the French it was written in.

[chrissy]

Q: does this dress make my bum look big?
A: no your bum is big

[toejam]

Loved your new book - it holds the door open in ANY gale.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

They were always easy on the eyes, just Hell on the ears.

:lol:

[Jim]

There was a politician who would respond to crank letters by returning them to the sender with a note attached, "I thought you should know that some idiot is sending letters using your name."

[Tucson_Tim]

There was a politician who would respond to crank letters by returning them to the sender with a note attached, "I thought you should know that some idiot is sending letters using your name."

By changing the highlighted to PMs and user ID can I use that line when moderators send me warnings? :)

[Noclevername]

Does this dress make me look fat?

No, it's not the dress that does that...

[Noclevername]

You're living proof of the Principle of Mediocrity.

[Noclevername]

They say a spectacular failure can be as glorious as a success. On that note, good job!

[Noclevername]

You are the Michael Jordan of idiocy.

You are a genius at finding ways to be stupid.

Instead of a PhD you must have a D.U.H.

[Noclevername]

No, you aren't qualified to join MENSA, but why don't you apply to their sister organization, DENSA. I'm sure you'd meet their standards.

[Noclevername]

Congratulations, you have succeeded at something few ever manage; you have discovered a new and previously untapped form of stupidity.

[Noclevername]

Take off that monster mask at once! Oh, sorry...

[Noclevername]

You have a face only Helen Keller could love. She might also like your voice.

[Tucson_Tim]

Noclevername, you're better than Cyrano!

[Noclevername]

No wonder the area you live in has such lush vegetation, you provide all the fertilizer needed!

[Noclevername]

Noclevername, you're better than Cyrano!

*Blush*

I do what I can.

[Noclevername]

Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before? Oh, yes, you were the model for all the masks in Planet of the Apes!

[Noclevername]

If igonorance is bliss, you must be ecstatic.

Will you please grace us with your absence?

You're hardly as bad as everyone says you are.

Sure, you're disliked, but that's just by the people who know you.

Beauty is only skin deep, and you're peeling.

[Noclevername]

Aren't you Bart Sibrel?

[Noclevername]

You don't always say stupid things, eight hours of the day you sleep.

I left town to get away from people like you.

You must be very brave to go around making people hate you so much.

Please have some consideration and stop inflicting your presence on others.

[Noclevername]

Is that a toupee or has your scalp sprouted mold?

You're so ugly, you go fishing by sticking your face in the water and catching the fish as they jump out.

She had a face that sank a thousand ships.

She had a face that launched a thousand ships; even sailors wanted to get away from her.

[Noclevername]

I'll never forget our first date. It was right before I joined the priesthood.

[Noclevername]

Instead of an hourglass figure, she was built like a grandfather clock.

I'm not saying he's a motormouth, but he brushes his teeth with Pennzoil.

When they photograph models, they sometimes put gauze over the lens to make it harder to see their flaws. In your case I'd use a block of linoleum.

[Noclevername]

I'll never forget our first time. And the nurse at the free clinic was very pleasant.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

*Note to self: Do not get into any argument with Noclevername.*

[Noclevername]

*Note to self: Do not get into any argument with Noclevername.*

:D And that's just the clean ones.

I would say I've grown tired of you, but I've felt this way since you walked in.

If I had a cat that looked like you, I'd shave his bum and teach him to walk backwards.

You take up space that could otherwise be used by a human being.

How do you stand being you all day?

I'm a cynic. I expect the worst of people. And yet you've managed to disappoint even me.

You smell like a dead skunk rolled in baby diapers and stuffed with rotten chicken.

[Noclevername]

Before I met you, I was convinced I'd seen the worst of humanity.

You are the reason cousins shouldn't marry.

I'm sure you've inspired a lot of suicides.

You really should come with a Mute button.

Any luck finding that brain?

You are to people what Charlie Sheen is to monogamy.

The fortune teller said you will live a long and healthy life? Sorry to hear that.

[Noclevername]

I would sooner drop a small rabid dog down my pants than spend another minute with you.

[Noclevername]

You make me wish real life had an "ignore" function.

[Noclevername]

I know when you're not wanted.

[Noclevername]

I hope this argument doesn't come between us, I'd rather distance did that.

[Noclevername]

I told your father to limit his radiation exposure!

[Noclevername]

You're like a day out of school-- no class.

If stupidity was a sport you'd win Olympic gold.

So which hurts more; the tar and feathers, or the cleanup afterwards?

[Noclevername]

The Anti-Christ called, he wants his evil back.

At least, with your face, you'll never have to worry about relationships.

Why haven't you imploded yet from the Universe simply rejecting your presence?

If you were drowning, I'd throw you an anchor.

[Noclevername]

You got your picture on the cover of a cereal box? I didn't know they made Dummy-Os.

In a battle of wits, you'd be AWOL.

You make a perfect bad example.

[Noclevername]

I could have lived the whole rest of my life without meeting you, but now you've gone and spoiled that.

You're going to a family reunion? Is the Zookeeper expecting you?

The best way to stop a Taxi? You could always lay in the road, he'll stop when he feels the bump...

[Noclevername]

When they were passing out brains, you thought they said "sprains" and ran off.

Your brain is so small, a scientist could win a Nobel Prize if they prove its existence.

You're so nuts they used to serve you on airplanes.

[Noclevername]

If it wasn't for low class, you'd have no class.

You're about as sharp as a bowling ball.

You're about as bright as a coal mine at midnight.

You're so old you call God "kid".

[Noclevername]

Your face could scare the Crypt Keeper.

If your IQ were any lower they'd have to drill for it.

I saw a picture of your brain on the side of a milk carton.

[Noclevername]

You've got looks, personality, and a sense of humor. You'd think at least one of them would be good.

[George]

"He's like the son I wish I never had."

[Noclevername]

You're a "Before" picture.

Please don't look this way, I have the milk out and I don't want it to sour.

I wouldn't touch you with a ten-foot pole. A crowbar would do more damage.

[Noclevername]

They broke the mold before they made you.

At least if you were in a coma, we could use you as a doorstop.

So your mother drank while she was having you, right?

[Lurking Nerd]

Noclevername reminded be of a couple.

You're about as sharp as a pound of wet leather.

After you were born, they broke the mold. Ang I hear they beat the hell out of the mold maker as well. (Actually, this was on a birthday card I sent my sister).

[Noclevername]

"You fish-eyed fool!" --Aunt Esther, Sanford and Son

[SeanF]

You're about as sharp as a bowling ball.
...and twice as dense.

[KaiYeves]

"He doesn't have the brains the good Lord gave a hunk of turkey jerky."
-Hannah Montana

[Noclevername]

To call your house a pigsty is to greatly overestimate the conditions under which pigs can survive.

You have all the intelligence of a badly retarded clam.

Is that your face, or did your head get caught in a blender?

I would say you're as dumb as you look, but I"ve seen you walk upright, so you can't be.

[Noclevername]

If you keep making that face, it'll get stuck that way... Oh, too late.

You have all the warmth of a carp on a glacier.

[Grashtel]

Noclevername in the spirit of this thread I have to offer this up:
"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathan Swift :razz:

[SeanF]

If you keep making that face, it'll get stuck that way... Oh, too late.
Hey, let's have a contest to see who can make the ugliest face! (Without waiting for them to do anything) Oh, you win.

I know a joke that's so funny it'll make your hair fall out, but I see you've already heard it.

[chrissy]

you must have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

[KaiYeves]

If I was a mind reader, your mind would be a picture book.

[Noclevername]

Noclevername in the spirit of this thread I have to offer this up:
"Fine words! I wonder where you stole them." - Jonathan Swift :razz:

Some I've heard or read, some are mine.

[jamesabrown]

Another one by Winston Churchill, I believe. Some haughty playwright sent him two tickets to his opening show with the note: "I've included an extra ticket for you to bring a friend, if you have one."

Churchill replied, "Sorry, I can't make the opening night. Please send me tickets for the next showing, if there is one."

***

Churchill again. At a dinner, Churchill asked the American woman next to him to pass the plate of breasts. The woman replied, "Sir, we don't call them breasts. Much better to call them 'white meat.'"

WC thanked the woman for the English lesson. The next day, the woman was delivered a corsage with a note: "Think of me when you pin this to your white meat."

***

Another Churchill, I believe: A woman snapped at WC, "If you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your tea!" WC replied, "Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it."

***

Supposedly John Keynes: A young socialite gushed at him at a party, "Wouldn't it be wonderful if we were married and our children had my beauty and your brains?"

Keynes replied, "Yes, but how sad it would be if they had my beauty and your brains?"

***

[chrissy]

your face looks like a bulldog sucking on a wasp

[KaiYeves]

"I'm going to make a scary face, okay."
"Ahhh! So hideous!"
"That's my regular face, you jerk!"

[Noclevername]

Why are you?

[reidenschneider]

"a lion in a den of daniels".

[KaiYeves]

I can tell without doing any tests that you do not have psychic powers. To have mental powers would require you to have a mind.

[Noclevername]

I see the freak, now where's the sideshow? (also useable with "clown/circus")

[KaiYeves]

To say that you're an idiot would be like saying that Elvis was just a singer.

[Noclevername]

You could drop off the face of the Earth and the only difference would be a slight reduction in planetary mass.

[Casus_belli]

No no no, you're supposed to go up the evolutionary ladder.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot

You're so dumb you couldnt spot an idiot even if you were staring into a mirror.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an un-armed man.

You have a face only a mother could love.

Did your mother feed you by catapult?

Does your brain cell feel lonely?

[Noclevername]

Lay down, I need to scrape this dog doo off my shoes.

[KaiYeves]

You haven't brushed your teeth since the Civil War.
You were King Tut's math teacher.
And, last but not least:
You smell funny.

[Noclevername]

Last time you were right about anything, men wore powdered wigs.

[Noclevername]

Hey, you look like a movie star! King Kong.

[KaiYeves]

So delusional that you were kicked off ZetaTalk.

[Noclevername]

You have so many rocks in your head, Fred Flintstone tried to pick you up.

You are to common sense what Gonorrhea is to romance.

So, which of your parents was the ape?

[KaiYeves]

Oh, you look like a god!
(The god of decay, maybe.)

[chrissy]

youve got a voice like a fog horn

[Jim]

I don't know about "classy" but a classic, veiled insult given to referees goes like this...

After the match, the coach approaches the referee and offers a hand to shake. "I just want you to know that you are the second best referee we have ever had."

"Oh," says the pleased and curious referee. "Who was better?"

"Everyone else."

[Noclevername]

You prove the theory of Unintelligent Design.

[KaiYeves]

Two guys you don't like are holding toy monkeys they just bought.
You: "Look! Four monkeys!"
"Yeah, they're... hey, wait- four?"
(Then you run.)

[Noclevername]

Until I met you, I thought Darwin was right.

[Noclevername]

I'd like you to leave. The Galaxy, that is.

[Noclevername]

You're outtelligent.

[Noclevername]

If they invent a car that runs on brain power, who will you get to give you a ride?

[Noclevername]

U... G... L... Y...

You ain't got no alibi.

Your looks could make your mama cry.

I just threw up, your face is why.

[Noclevername]

Call the EPA, there's a waste spill in your head.

[KaiYeves]

You're so far out of your mind I couldn't find you if I looked through Hubble.

[Noclevername]

You could sing the birds out of the trees and into the ground.

[Noclevername]

We are not amused. (Only works if you're the Queen of England)

[jja]

This comes in the form of a definition, but I think it fits:

INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both – as Walt Whitman's poetry and God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel yourself – I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would convey an equally significant intimation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior.

From The Devil's Dictionary, by Ambrose Bierce

[Noclevername]

You're a stinky doodyhead! I'm telling the teacher! (Oh, sorry, that's a classroom insult.)

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

You are so stupid your brain has created a wormhole in the time-space continuum.

[Noclevername]

You are like a black hole; You're dense, you suck, you aren't very bright, and the only thing visible about you is the chaos surrounding you.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

:lol:

You, sir, win the thread.

[Noclevername]

:lol:

You, sir, win the thread.

Thank you, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip those waiters.

[KaiYeves]

Wii are not amused by your terrible computer gaming skills.

[Sean Clayden]

Your drunk ! Yes and your ugly, but at least I will be sober in the morning.

[Noclevername]

If you had died in the Donner party they'd have turned vegetarian.

[chrissy]

your probably that stupid you have to spellcheck your own name

[chrissy]

if stupidity was painful you would be screaming every day

[Noclevername]

Hey, lady, your stockings are all wrinkled... Oh, wait, you're not wearing stockings.

[KaiYeves]

From something I wrote today:
"And why should I care?"
"Because I'll be really mad and sad."
"Blah, blah, blah, 'not my department, says Werner Von Braun.'"
"I bet you don't even know who Werner Von Braun was."
"Kid, you're not in a position to call me dumb. You can't even write a letter and that's not rocket science. By the way, who was he?"
"A rocket scientist."

[Mellow]

Clasy insult.... hmmm.... classy insult.... classy insult....

Sir, your monacle is quite the gauche spectacle!

[mfumbesi]

Spot this one:
The Prince : ".....I had the strangest dream, someone said I had wit and sophistication of a donkey...."
Prince's adviser : "....thats not true Sir, unless of course its a particularly stupid donkey...."

[Noclevername]

You are like Royalty; clearly the product of generations of inbreeding.

[Noclevername]

I have no need to offer you insult beyond what nature has already provided you.

[Noclevername]

I'm guessing abortions weren't legal yet around the time you were born.

[KaiYeves]

You're so dumb you called Information to find the number for 911.
You are part of Uri Gellar's fan club.

[Noclevername]

Dumbass.


(Not classy enough? Say it with a British accent.)

[Fraunkensteen]

I was single for a long time before I got married. I just got tired of completing my own sentenses.

[Noclevername]

I prefer to speak with someone who shares my interest in intellectual pursuits, and I can tell you don't pursue them.

[KaiYeves]

If I had a dollar for every IQ point you don't have, I'd call up Virgin Galactic and book a flight.

[Noclevername]

Did the lobotomy hurt much?

[KaiYeves]

Hello, I'm looking for intelligent life.
If you find any, please call this number.

[Noclevername]

Hello, I'm looking for intelligent life.
If you find any, please call this number.

:lol:



You're like the Jerry Springer show in human form!

Hi, I'm looking for Lee, first name Ug... oh, there you are.

If you were any dumber your IQ would be a negative number.

Can I get you anything while I'm out? A new personality, maybe?

[KaiYeves]

I think I know you!
You have two middle intials, right!
Yes, and they're B.S., right?

[Noclevername]

If ignorance was money, you'd have no idea how rich you are.

[Noclevername]

You think you're witty? Well, you're half right. (Dorothy Parker?)

[KaiYeves]

You're detestable.
Look it up.
You'll need a big book called a dictionary...

[Noclevername]

You're destestable.


You can test your des?

[mfumbesi]

Heard this on some movie (not exact quote):
"...thanks to you everybody in this hall is now dumber than they were when they came in....."

[Noclevername]

You're destestable.
Look it up.
You'll need a big book called a dictionary...

To make it a truly stinging insult, you should add "...It's a big word, so get a grown-up to read it to you..."

[KaiYeves]

You're piltdown, man.

[Noclevername]

You're piltdown, man.

:lol:


You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor cried.

[KaiYeves]

To call you eccentric would be charitable.

[Tucson_Tim]

How about Bilbo's farewell speech:

"Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits." [cheers abound.] "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

[Noclevername]

How about Bilbo's farewell speech:

"Alas, eleventy-one years is far too short a time to live among such excellent and admirable hobbits." [cheers abound.] "I don't know half of you half as well as I should like, and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."

But doesn't that mean they deserved to be liked twice as much? Not really insulting, even though it sounds like it at first glance.

[Tucson_Tim]

But doesn't that mean they deserved to be liked twice as much? Not really insulting, even though it sounds like it at first glance.

You know, I've never been too sure myself. I think the book says something like the crowd was trying to make a compliment out of it.

[Tucson_Tim]

But doesn't that mean they deserved to be liked twice as much? Not really insulting, even though it sounds like it at first glance.

Or is he saying "Even though you deserve to be liked a certain amount, I only like you half that amount"?

[Noclevername]

Or is he saying "Even though you deserve to be liked a certain amount, I only like you half that amount"?

That makes it sound like he's insulting himself, sorta-- "You deserve to be liked, but I just can't be bothered..."

[Noclevername]

It's a weird speech, is all. Especially from a linguist. Hey Tolkien, two double negatives don't make a positive, they make negative four.

[KaiYeves]

You're like Delta's airplane food.

[Noclevername]

Is that smell you??

[KaiYeves]

Your signing is so bad, Cowell would say "I have nothing to say. It speaks for itself."

[Noclevername]

Why don't you volunteer for the Space Program? I've heard they're going back to using monkeys.

[Fraunkensteen]

The difference between the Panama Canal and Hillary Clinton is that the Panama Canal is a busy ditch.

[Fraunkensteen]

In 2 months my wife and I will be celebrating our 38th wedding Anniversary. If I had killed her in 1970, I'd be out of prison by now.

[Noclevername]

You are to intelligence what Hellen Keller is to knife throwing.

[Noclevername]

The reason I'm so interested in space travel is to get away from you.

You look like you made face and it stuck that way.

You spew so much venom, you've been declared a biological hazard.

The ape called, it wants its ugly back.

I hope you sued your plastic surgeon for malpractice.

Nice face. When's the outside of it arriving?

[Noclevername]

If your brain got any smaller your head would cave in.

You make the Pod People look positively charismatic.

I wanted some target practice, but you were out of town.

If I heard you got cancer, I'd pity the cancer.

[Noclevername]

You're just Unprocessed Grave Filling.

At least if I cut you in half, you'd be useful as bookends.

I had a pet that looked like you, after it was run over.

[Noclevername]

(Man, this is better than therapy.)

I heard you got kicked out of your apartment; the roaches signed a petition.

You know that trick where you put your ear on the train tracks to tell if its coming? Try that with your deaf ear.

I can tell you're saying something stupid, your lips are moving.

Why doesn't someone nail you to the wall and name you "Art"?

You're so funny, you should be on the stage! There's one leaving Dodge City right now.

You're so dumb you couldn't find your own rear end with two Sherpa guides and a GPS.

[Noclevername]

You're so stupid you stayed up all night studying for a blood test.

You're so stupid you stared at the orange juice all day because it said "concentrate".

You're so stupid you get lost in your own room.

You're so stupid you thought a bidet was a drinking fountain, and vice versa.

You're so stupid you keep old calendars in case the years come back in style.

You're so stupid you tried to step outside for a smoke in the middle of an airplane flight.

You're so stupid you put toothpaste on your head and brushed your teeth with shampoo.

You're so stupid you went into a voting booth and posed for four pictures.

You're so stupid the monkeys at the zoo think you belong in the cage.

You're so stupid you thought carrot cake had diamonds in it.

[KaiYeves]

You're so twisted, even the twizlers think so.

You're like a Komodo Dragon. You're ugly, spew venom and you're endangered.

[chrissy]

if your going to be two faced could you at least have a pretty one!

[Noclevername]

You have a face not even a blind mother could love.

There are two things in the Universe known to wipe out whole galaxies. Gamma ray bursters, and your breath.

You're so untrustworthy you once stabbed yourself in the back.

You're so dumb you'd have to study for a week just to get an F.

Why don't you go out to the road and do your best impression of a speedbump?

[Noclevername]

Will Rogers once said "I never met a man I didn't like"; that's because he never met you.

You'd make a suitable reaction mass; that's about all you're good for. And you'd be in a familiar situation, driving people away from you as always.

You're ten pounds of manure in a five-pound bag.

[KaiYeves]

Praphrasing Calvin and Hobbes:
What you are good for:
First, you are good for water balloon target practice.
Second, you are good for colonizing Pluto.
Third, you are good for nothing.

[Noclevername]

You're so clueless you could fall down and get lost on your way to the floor.

You're so stupid Pinocchio calls you dummy.

If you weren't a halfwit, you'd have no wit at all.

[KaiYeves]

I may have a peabrain, but that still makes me a rocket scientist compared to you.

[Noclevername]

You're so insane you'd need a straitjacket and pants to match.

[Noclevername]

You are the wind above my wings.

[KaiYeves]

Voldemort is scared to say your name.

[Noclevername]

A law was passed to make you wear a bag over your face that says, "WARNING: Contents may cause eye damage".

[94z07]

What a lovely new Scion.

Actually all of our stations in New Jersey are full service.

Did you Tivo American Idol?

[KaiYeves]

What a lovely new Scion.
Hey, my dad has a Scion!

[Noclevername]

"I hope whoever did that to your face is still in jail."

--Metal Steve, Diesel Sweeties.

[Sean Clayden]

Please don't ask for credit as a smack in the mouth often offends !

[KaiYeves]

A classic insult that was completely missplaced:
"You could write the plot of Star Wars on the head of a pin and still have room for the Bible." -New York Times, 1977.
Man, they really had no idea...

[Noclevername]

To put it in terms you can understand, "Duuuuuuuh!"

[Infinite Horizons]

There is a fine line between genius and madness - it's a shame your on the other side. (said to my brother by me)

When I want your opinion I will give it to you

For an intelligent person you can be really dumb at times

When god was giving out brains you obviously had your hand in the pickle jar.

[MentalAvenger]

She’s just mad because a house fell on her sister.

[Infinite Horizons]

I was going to get a job like yours - but I kept passing my exams

[MentalAvenger]

Don’t you love the whooshing sound it makes when it goes over their heads?

[Sean Clayden]

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." --

Winston Churchill

[Infinite Horizons]

(Apparently said by Winston Churchhill to politicians he had no time for)
You havn't got the brains to run a whelk stall...

[KaiYeves]

My gosh! It speaks English!

[MentalAvenger]

Would you please repeat that in English. My Gibberish to English translator is offline.

[Sean Clayden]

Your fluency in gibberish is exceptional !

[Noclevername]

My compliments to the Gibber who taught you his language. He must be an excellent teacher.

[KaiYeves]

"I'm a mentalist."
"Yeah, you're mental all right."

[MentalAvenger]

No thanks. I don’t want to get into a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

[Noclevername]

You think so highly of yourself you once caught your nose in a ceiling fan.

[MentalAvenger]

Please leave. This room is reserved for people.

[KaiYeves]

I'm looking at this map of Mars because I'm trying to find where you came from.

[MentalAvenger]

Do you want me to have the valet bring your broom around to the front?

[Noclevername]

Sure, have a seat, I was having those cushions steam-cleaned later anyway.

[MentalAvenger]

Aren’t you a little past your use-by date?

[KaiYeves]

Your mother is so pretty...
that you must be adopted!

[Noclevername]

You must be an astronomer, your head is always full of space.

[KaiYeves]

Do you have relatives on Flores?

[Noclevername]

Congratulations, we had a contest to see who'd leave, and you won!

[KaiYeves]

Neanderthals look at you and go "Look, what a primative creature!"

[Noclevername]

It has ears on the sides, it must be a face!

--Benny Hill

[Noclevername]

Do me a favor, would you? Just stick your face in this room, I got a kid with the hiccups and I heard scaring them will stop it...

[KaiYeves]

"He lacks the knowledge ladled out daily in high school..." - New York Times on Robert Goddard.

[Noclevername]

So you had a thought, eh? And what was your other brain cell doing in the meantime?

[KaiYeves]

I'm not going to ask "What were you thinking?" because that would be accusing you of thinking.

[Noclevername]

I'd like to send you into an Italian restaurant in Providence with a t-shirt that says "Want to know all the Mob's secrets? Ask me now!"

[Noclevername]

You'd turn a flea vegetarian.

[KaiYeves]

They can't make stamps of you 'cause everyone would spit on the wrong side.
Your momma is so ugly, she must be your momma.

[KaiYeves]

There was a politician who would respond to crank letters by returning them to the sender with a note attached, "I thought you should know that some idiot is sending letters using your name."
There was a French guy in the early days of Egyptology who copied down the names of all the tourists who had graffitied their names on ancient monuments.
Then he published it in a newspaper as "A List of Idiots".

[Noclevername]

You were born with a tag that read "discounted, irregular".

[KaiYeves]

You make CFB's look wonderful.

[ravens_cry]

living without you is an impossible feat, like perfection.
death comes for us all, for you, not soon enough.
They have a word for people like you, but I can't say it in polite company
They say dog is mans best friend, for you, girlfriend.
I would say I would sooner go out with a pig, but you are

[Noclevername]

You were a Troll before there was an internet.

[ravens_cry]

You present a strong argument for birth control
You think your a wit? I would say your half right.

[Noclevername]

If I were you... wait, I have to throw up from thinking that.

[KaiYeves]

You have a face like the back end of a bantha.