Worthless superpowers

[DukePaul]

The ability to make cold fusion milkshakes without the heavy shielding most restaurants find necessary.

[swampyankee]

The power to remember where you left your keys after you lock yourself out of the car.

And your keys in?

[Buttercup]

The ability to be President of the United States -- but only to "pardon" one turkey the day prior to Thanksgiving. And that's it.

[Frog march]

the ability to justify limbo dancing.

[Hlafordlaes]

Masterful command of attention over dimwitted audiences. No reference to actual media/political personalities, but you can fill in the blanks yourself.

[Noclevername]

Masterful command of attention over dimwitted audiences. No reference to actual media/political personalities, but you can fill in the blanks yourself.

No posting powers that already exist! ;)

[swampyankee]

Masterful command of attention over dimwitted audiences. No reference to actual media/political personalities, but you can fill in the blanks yourself.

No posting useful superpowers.

[Jeff Root]

I've read every post here, and I don't think there's a superpower
listed that wouldn't be useful in *some* situation. Quite a number
of the putatively worthless powers would be very valuable to me.

The ability to repeat what you said before, using slightly different
words.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

.

[DukePaul]

I know where every dog toy and bone was buried by every dog.

[FarmMarsNow]

The ability to think up uses for 500 useless superpowers and implement them.

[Moose]

The ability to turn wine into water.

[Noclevername]

The ability to turn wine into urine... oh, wait. Most of us can do that.

[FarmMarsNow]

Ability to whine while urinating.

[Swift]

Lake Effect Man - Can cover any area with from 6 to 12 inches of snow, but only downwind from a large body of water.

[swampyankee]

The ability to speak earthworm.

[Spoons]

A mastery of earthworm cobblery.

[Jeff Root]

Is that making shoes for earthworms, or making earthworm
cobbler?

I'd argue that the power to master shoemaking for earthworms
is worthless solely because there is no such thing as Earthworm
Shoes.

The power to resist capitalizing the word "earthworm" when
nobody else would notice-- and then discover that it wants to
be capitalized after all.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[swampyankee]

Is that making shoes for earthworms, or making earthworm
cobbler?



The power to resist capitalizing the word "earthworm" when
nobody else would notice-- and then discover that it wants to
be capitalized after all.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

Both seem to be less than useful superpowers. I've not noticed earthworms wearing shoes, and I suspect that a desert based around earthworms would join squid ice cream as a gag-inducing concept.

[swampyankee]

...back on track...

The ability to pull threads off track.

[Buttercup]

The ability to make canned vegetables aggitate within, at will.

[swampyankee]

The ability to

[swampyankee]

complete other people's sentences.

[Spoons]

The ability to make bad puns at a funeral.

[swampyankee]

...and the associated ability to keep mothers of the bride from crying at weddings.

[Frog march]

the ability to make sandals made of burned toast sound Norwegian on an ebay product description.

[Noclevername]

The power to resurrect dead threads! Mua ha ha ha!

[Jeff Root]

The power to put specific dollar values on superpowers and
resurrected threads.

.

[Noclevername]

That's okay, you can owe it to me.

[Inclusa]

The ability to remember details of all events within 5 ms (minisecond).

[Inclusa]

The ability to teleport things within 5 micrometres.

[Noclevername]

The ability to drink a cup of really good hot tea.

[swampyankee]

The ability to say nice things about vending machine tea.

[Noclevername]

The ability to forget all events within five milliseconds.

[Noclevername]

The power to make it rain on a parade.

[Buttercup]

The ability to get stuck vending machine items UNstuck and dropped, but only on St. Patrick's Day.

[Noclevername]

The power to put a square peg in a round hole-- but not to take it out again when it gets stuck.

[Buttercup]

The ability to turn change the typeprint of any and all telephone directories from regular to invisible ink, but only last names Be- through Ca-.

[DonM435]

Using one of those hot air blowers on the rest room wall and actually getting your hands dry.

No wait, that would be useful. I've never accomplished it.

[emmylou]

Being able to crack nuts with your teeth.

[Noclevername]

Being able to crack your teeth with nuts.

[swampyankee]

Being able to crack marshmallows with your teeth.

[baric]

The power to not automatically visualize something when someone mentions it.

FLYING SAUCER PANCAKES.

[Noclevername]

The power to fill flying saucers with milk.

[Buttercup]

The ability to know what brand and color of undergarments any royal person in the world is currently wearing.

[Noclevername]

The ability to know what brand and color of undergarments any royal person in the world is currently wearing.

(Worthless? Do you know what the tabloids would pay for information like that?)

The power to make anyone believe that Elvis had Bigfoot's baby.

[FarmMarsNow]

The ability to see the dark.

[Buttercup]

The ability to frost cupcakes from 400 miles away.

[Noclevername]

The power to travel back in time 1/100,000th of a second.

[Inclusa]

The power to teleport to anywhere within 1/googol mitre away.

[Noclevername]

The power to retract your tongue, but not to extend it.

[Buttercup]

The ability to transfer No Sodium Added canned vegetables into regular cans, and vice versa.

[Frog march]

the ability to spell check graffiti and see a red squiggly line under misspelled words.

[Jeff Root]

I've got some red paint!!!!!

Now I need a mask, a cape, and a cool name.

I'll paint the town red!!!!!

-- Stanley Rubric
.

[Noclevername]

The power to make stars go supernova on the other side of the Galaxy.

[swampyankee]

The ability to only buy losing lotto tickets. Alas, I seem to have this one 8-(

[Noclevername]

The power to pick winning lottery numbers... from three weeks ago.

[Solfe]

The ability to cancel TV shows one season after they jump the shark tank.

[Noclevername]

The ability to cancel TV shows one season after they jump the shark tank.

Only one season? That's actually an improvement. Some drag on for years long after the shark is dead and the bike is in the shop.

[Inclusa]

The ability to redevelop dysfunctional body parts after brain death.

[Noclevername]

The power of negative thinking.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to soften your hands while you do dishes.

[swampyankee]

The power to soften your hands while you do dishes.

Just wash them in bacon grease: soft hands, and the bacteria will all die of cholesterol poisoning.

[Noclevername]

The power to make bacon tasteless.

[swampyankee]

The power to

[Noclevername]

The power to memorize every episode of Star Trek --and nothing else.

[Inclusa]

The power to make bacon tasteless.



It is quite easy; after boiling in water bacon becomes tasteless anyway.

The power to sing audibly to the Moon.

[Noclevername]

The power to sing inaudibly.

[Swift]

The power to carry a tune in a bucket.

[Jeff Root]

The power to sing inaudibly.
I thought I was singing inaudibly. Then one day my sister said
something that made me realize it wasn't inaudible after all. Urk!

The power to come up with a significant (non-trivial) superpower
that would actually be worthless.

The power to read through this entire thread to discover whether
it contains any actually worthless non-trivial superpowers. This
one sure isn't. Although I'm not sure whether that is because it
is trivial, it isn't worthless, or it isn't a superpower.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Jeff Root]

The power to carry a tune in a bucket.
About three minutes after I read that it occurred to me that
I didn't understand it. But that only occurred to me at the
moment I *did* understand it.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[swampyankee]

The power to instantly solve trivial equations for x. Like, oh, x=0

[Gemini]

The ability to do absolutely nothing for extended periods of time.

[Frog march]

the ability to communicate with wood lice at crime scenes.

[banquo's_bumble_puppy]

the power to add a nice lemonade flavor to dehydrated water

[Sandeep2011]

I think I have many of these

[swampyankee]

The ability to use the shift key on a computer.

[Swift]

The ability to use the shift key on a computer.
.... for purposes not intended by god or man (insert dramatic music)!

[Buttercup]

The ability to return holes to their donuts. :D

[swampyankee]

The ability to dunk donuts in orange juice.

[FarmMarsNow]

Power to stamp out hunger using a stamp and the word hunger.

[Noclevername]

The power to stamp out.

[Gemini]

The power to spontaneously generate rubber stamps.

[Inclusa]

The ability to return to life only in outer space, without any forms of life support.

[The_Radiation_Specialist]

The power to think of useless superpowers.

[swampyankee]

The power to plagiarize bad ideas.

[Noclevername]

The power to move at 99% lightspeed, but only while in Earth's atmosphere, and with no protection from friction.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to scramble eggs in a vacuum.

[swampyankee]

The power to scramble eggs in a vacuum.

You mean one of these (http://www.hoover.com/retrieveImage.aspx?code=SM&model=S3755---)?

[Noclevername]

The power to the power to dull sharp pencils.

[LookingSkyward]

the power to casue one of a pair of socks to vanish in the laundry

[Swift]

The ability to bring any thread back to life. ;)
The power to reuse my jokes from earlier in the same thread. :D

[FarmMarsNow]

The ability to remember which useless superpowers have already been suggested.

[LookingSkyward]

The ability to remember which useless superpowers have already been suggested.

[Buttercup]

Lol!! You guys...

The ability to hear trash trucks up-ending garbage recepticles from 5 miles away.

[Noclevername]

Peat vision.

[starcanuck64]

The ability to sense the tactile sensations of bank tellers, but only while they're at work.

[Noclevername]

Telepathic control over those tiny spiders that live miles in the upper atmosphere. But only as long as they remain at that altitude.

[Jeff Root]

The ability to think about a thread that hasn't been posted to
in almost two years, and then discover a few hours later that
it has been posted in again that very day.

Absolute truth. I was thinking about this thread and one other,
the "Should nervous people be allowed to play tennis?" thread,
less than five hours ago. I don't think about such threads all
that often. Really.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Noclevername]

The power to squeeze a diamond into a lump of coal.

[Nicolas]

The ability to sense which coins will get randomly rejected by the vending machine (does not include the ability to sense which snack will get stuck)

[Noclevername]

The power to predict any one losing lottery number.

[LookingSkyward]

the ability to unscramble eggs

[Noclevername]

The ability to sense intense gamma radiation, within a range of one centimeter.

[Jeff Root]

The ability to distinguish between truly worthless superpowers
and arbitrary limitations on otherwise useful superpowers.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Chuck]

The power to make oneself invisible to cab drivers.

[Noclevername]

The power to play Angry Birds without a smartphone.

[starcanuck64]

The ability to translate any archaic language into Klingon.

[LookingSkyward]

The power to get spam email directly in my mind

[Noclevername]

The ability to cause a random person, somewhere in the world, to Mambo.

[LookingSkyward]

The ability to pretend to ban someone on this forum with the click of a button

[Swift]

The ability to pretend to ban someone on this forum with the click of a button
LookingSkyward has been banned, with one click of a button, for this post
http://www.wm3blackboard.com/bb2-0/Smileys/smileystash/206_superman.gif


:D

[LookingSkyward]

(Sheesh! and I didn't call in sick last night, with a clear sky and Saturn in opposition!)

[Noclevername]

The ability to stick your big toe in your ear.

[Noclevername]

The power to shrink yourself one-half inch shorter than normal, while getting one-half inch wider.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to exhale in a vacuum.

[Buttercup]

The power to perfectly carve a Thanksgiving turkey at 12:01 a.m. the next day.

[LookingSkyward]

the power to tell, from one touch of a dinosaur fossil, that it never ate a cheeseburger

[caveman1917]

The power to predict any one losing lottery number.

That's not necessarily worthless, eliminating one number from the set may push you to a positive expected value, depending on the lottery details.

[FarmMarsNow]

That's not necessarily worthless, eliminating one number from the set may push you to a positive expected value, depending on the lottery details. The power to make that deduction!!

[Buttercup]

The ability to save 39 cents on your big purchase at some chitzy store.

[LookingSkyward]

The ability to really quickly edit a post...

[starcanuck64]

The ability to shed your armpit hair at will.

[Swift]

The ability to shed your armpit hair at will.
As if the Duke of Cambridge didn't have enough problems, now you want people to shed their armpit hair at him.

[starcanuck64]

As if the Duke of Cambridge didn't have enough problems, now you want people to shed their armpit hair at him.

It comes from the old practice of sending beaver pelts to the royal family as a show of respect, but who has the time to trap them these days.

[Buttercup]

The ability to hear a rabbit nibbling on an oatmeal cookie from 1 foot away. I actually have this superpower. :)

[FarmMarsNow]

The ability to sense the inner workings of a Rubik cube puzzle game.

[Noclevername]

The power to create invisible illusions.

[Nicolas]

The ability to correctly guess the amount of post-its on a stack.

[Noclevername]

The ability to wake up five seconds before your alarm goes off.

[starcanuck64]

The ability to wake up five seconds before your alarm goes off.

Wow, I used to have a superpower!

[Buttercup]

The ability to turn wallpaper paste into mashed potatoes. Or vice versa. :p

[Swift]

x231179.4

What do you mean that not what we meant by worthless super powers?

[Jeff Root]

I can't believe nobody's done that before.

* * * *

Snowbody -- With the power to walk through snowstorms
in the latter half of April. AKA

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Noclevername]

The power to pick up broadcasts in languages you don't know.

[Nicolas]

The power to be offended by anything and everything.

By the way, Noclevername, I'll get you banned for that!

[Swift]

The power to be offended by anything and everything.

That seems to be a fairly common ability. :eh:

[Swift]

The ability to find smileys for any occasion.

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-dance013.gif http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-chores012.gif

[LookingSkyward]

The ability to find smileys for any occasion.

Not useless at all!

[Jeff Root]

As usual, that isn't worthless!

Worthless is the ability to find occasions for every smiley!

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[starcanuck64]

The ability to tell the difference between totally garish and completely chintzy at a fashion show.

[Swift]

http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-dance013.gif http://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-chores012.gif

Worthless is the ability to find occasions for every smiley!
Oh, by the way, happy Walk Like an Egyptian While Washing the Floor Day!

[Chuck]

The ability to erase memories of my existence from women's minds.

[Noclevername]

The ability to erase memories of my existence from women's minds.

Potentially useful, verging on supervillain if you abuse it.

The power to turn internal organs invisible.

[Inclusa]

The ability to turn into any species of Hominids.

[Noclevername]

The ability to turn into any species of Hominids.

You don't think being able to have a gorilla's strength would be useful? ;)

The ability to turn into any species of anatomically correct insect. The downside is you cannot alter your mass or violate the square-cube law, so you'd squish yourself if you tried.

[Jeff Root]

You wouldn't likely squish yourself, but you wouldn't be able
to hold up your own weight. You wouldn't be able to breathe
adequately and would very quickly suffocate. And, not having
any brain to speak of, you wouldn't remember who you were
or what your superpower was, and would already be essentially
dead as soon as you transformed.

Worthlessness: CONFIRMED!

Unless your objective is to really bug people when you die.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

[Buttercup]

The ability to eat endless jelly beans through your nostrils and eustachian tubes.

[Noclevername]

The ability to turn your hair any color not found in nature. (NOTE: potentially useful, but only if you're Katy Perry or Nicky Minaj)

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to leap off of tall buildings in a single bound.

[Buttercup]

The ability to know the exact number of grains of sand on any given beach.

[Nicolas]

The ability to make yourself perfectly clear without having to finish yo

[Noclevername]

The power to change water into dihydrogen monoxide.

[Nicolas]

The power to change dihydrogen monoxide into hydrogen hydroxide.

[Buttercup]

The ability to change the markings in hopscotch squares, but only when you're playing hopscotch alone.

[Noclevername]

The power to change a heart card into a diamond card while playing Solitaire.

[Inclusa]

You don't think being able to have a gorilla's strength would be useful?

Unfortunately, gorilla is not of the Homo genus and is therefore not hominid; on the other hand, Homo neanderthal may have a few edges over Homo sapiens.

The ability to predict correctly for a second.

[FarmMarsNow]

The ability to freeze time!

[Noclevername]

Unfortunately, gorilla is not of the Homo genus and is therefore not hominid; on the other hand, Homo neanderthal may have a few edges over Homo sapiens.


That's an outdated definition. The current meaning of hominid is of the family Hominidae, which includes the great apes.

[FarmMarsNow]

That's an outdated definition. The current meaning of hominid is of the family Hominidae, which includes the great apes. I second that remark! Its my superpower.

[Noclevername]

The ability to attract bullets.

[Inclusa]

The ability to restore any patients to full health for one second.

[Noclevername]

The power to read the mind of an earthworm.

[Nicolas]

The ability to predict past events.

(Nostradamus had that one)

[Noclevername]

Dry land gills.

[FarmMarsNow]

Wet land gills.

[Noclevername]

The power to detect water when underwater.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to think you are dry even if you aren't.

[Noclevername]

Luminescent nose hair.

[Noclevername]

Regenerative appendix and tonsils.

[LookingSkyward]

(weird - I've never considered my Luminescent nose hair to be a super power - which I spose makes your point.)

The ability to generate earwax on command.

[Noclevername]

The power to cry sand instead of water.

[Nicolas]

The power to sing "Sunshine, Lollypops & Rainbows" really, really loud.

[LookingSkyward]

the ability to cause the propeller on my beanie to spin using only the power of my big toe

[Noclevername]

The ability to predict correctly for a second.

(Isn't that what Spider-Man's spidey sense is? That's enough time to let him dodge a bullet.)

The ability to sense where every cockroach in the world is. You'll never sleep again...

[Noclevername]

An uncanny ability to impersonate Sheldon Cooper.

[FarmMarsNow]

Telekikneesis is the ability to control one's knees telepathically.

[Buttercup]

The ability to know the daily weather of a "Super-Earth" planet in a galaxy 157 million light years away.

[Swift]

The ability to know the daily weather of a "Super-Earth" planet in a galaxy 157 million light years away.
I do have the ability to predict the weather every night on the surface of the Sun.

[Noclevername]

"Hot, no rain."

The ability to percieve the world's worst fanfiction at any given time.

[FarmMarsNow]

There is a superpower that allows people to try out the Dvorak keyboard layout before switching back to Qwerty.

[Noclevername]

The power to play the Keyboard Cat song. All. the. time.

[Nicolas]

The ability to know exactly what you should have done yesterday.

[LookingSkyward]

The ability to lose your head when all around you are keeping theirs

[Swift]

The ability to lose your head when all around you are keeping theirs
Buzz: Sheriff, this is no time to panic.
Woody: This is a perfect time to panic!

[starcanuck64]

The ability to direct billions of neutrinos at your enemies,.

[Noclevername]

The power to hypnotize yourself into thinking that you are a chicken.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to eat like Garfield, sleep like a log and pee from the tower of pisa all without getting caught. Without an elevator there wouldn't be any point, since after eating like Garfield there'd be too many stairs.

[Noclevername]

Inverted levitation.

[LookingSkyward]

The ability to panic at the 1st sign of a spider

[Noclevername]

The power to sew dissent and stitch in time.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to crack cases without solving crimes.

[Noclevername]

The power of negative thinking.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to steal useless super powers.

[Noclevername]

Able to leap to tall conclusions.

[starcanuck64]

The ability to wink, wiggle your ears and make the "live long and prosper" sign all at the same time... while tap dancing.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power to see darkness for what it really is.

[Noclevername]

The power to grow moss on your north side.

I realize this may be useful for finding north without a compass... but if you turn your body at all you'll have to wait for the moss to regrow.

[FarmMarsNow]

The power not to grow moss on your south side.

[Noclevername]

The ability to turn lemons into limes.

[FarmMarsNow]

The ability to eat your own words.



Apparently support for Visual Basic 6 has been extended to Windows 8 recently, so I guess I can't call that a useless ability yet. Give it time!

[Buttercup]

The ability to know the exact number of grains of salt in a bag of pretzels (adherent to the pretzels and at bottom of bag).

[Noclevername]

Liking on Facebook wihtout a computer.

[LookingSkyward]

the ability to turn melons into mimes

[Noclevername]

A liberal arts degree. :)

[Swift]

A liberal arts degree. :)
:rofl:

[starcanuck64]

Long duration bathing.

[DukePaul]

Psychic stamp licking

[Buttercup]

Psychic stamp licking

Lol!! :)

But I keep thinking of it as "psychic lamp sticking."

I guess it's another worthless superpower. ;)

[LookingSkyward]

"psychic lamp sticking." LOL!


The ability to make me LOL is not worthless!