The Slightly Silly Party

[peter eldergill]

Someday, son, all this will be yours...

(please continue with the next line..)

Pete

[Swift]

What, the curtains?

[peter eldergill]

No, not the cutains, lad...

[Mellow]

......All that you can see! Stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad!

[Tog]

...But dad, I don't want any of that. I'd rather...

[Roy Batty]

Rather what?

[mahesh]

...I'd rather be one of the doorkeepers at Potala Palace...uhm...

[peter eldergill]

Rather what?

Sing!!

[korjik]

<music starts>

[Casus_belli]

Stop that! Stop that right now! There'll be none of that here

[danscope]

" Listen,son. You're going to marry a girl whose Father owns some of the largest tracts of open land in England! " :)

Now listen Alice ....'Herbert!" ....."You're going to marry Princess Lucky.....sooooo...
you'd better get used to the idea!! :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

to guards....

'Stay 'ere and make sure 'E' doesn't leave!

[danscope]

to guards....

'Stay 'ere and make sure 'E' doesn't leave!

"Right, we're not to do anything apart from watching him.....HIC....."

[danscope]

"Right, we're not to do anything apart from watching him.....HIC....."

first gaurd....
"uh..untill you come to get him, we're not to enter the room..hic":wall:

[swansont]

The Prince?

[Mellow]

The Prince?

FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave.

[danscope]

FATHER: No, no, no. You stay in the room and make sure 'e doesn't leave.


" We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him

entering the room." Hic
:exclaim:

[Eric Vaxxine]

Prince
'But father......'

Father
'You're marrying Princess Mitsy, so you better get used to the idea'.

(I'm 37, I'm not old.......!)

[swansont]

Prince
'But father......'

Father
'You're marrying Princess Mitsy, so you better get used to the idea'.

(I'm 37, I'm not old.......!)

You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you better get used to the idea.

(Princess Mitzi Gaynor, daughter of King Otto, had wooden teeth and lived in Happy Valley. Don't despair, or you'll have to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up.)

Anyway, it seemed a bit daft having to guard him when he's a guard.

[danscope]

[QUOTE=Eric Vaxxine;861058]Prince
'But father......'

Father
'You're marrying Princess Mitsy, so you better get used to the idea'.

FIRST GUARD

Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?



FATHER

(carefully)

No .... keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...



FIRST GUARD

Oh, yes! we'll keep him in here, obviously. But if he had

to leave and we were with him.



FATHER

No ... just keep him in here! :)

[Casus_belli]

"Hic"

"Right" Turns to leave The guards come with him.

"What are you doing?"

"We're comming with you"

[danscope]

"Hic"

"Right" Turns to leave The guards come with him.

"What are you doing?"

"We're comming with you"

( The gaurds look sheepishly and friendly like at the young prince.....who takes pen and paper and nervously write a note.....attatches it to an arrow and let's
it fly through the open window...where it finds ....a mark...of sorts..)
Reeeeeeeesucckthudddddddd........."Message for you,Sir!!!"
" At Last!!!! A sign!!!!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you better get used to the idea.

(Princess Mitzi Gaynor, daughter of King Otto, had wooden teeth and lived in Happy Valley. Don't despair, or you'll have to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up.)

Anyway, it seemed a bit daft having to guard him when he's a guard.

Quite right ... Princess Lucky. My 'pologies for the innacurate post.

[Eric Vaxxine]

Bravely bold Sir Robin,
rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, oh brave sir Robin.

[danscope]

Bravely bold Sir Robin,
rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, oh brave sir Robin.

He was not the least bit scared to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave; Brave, Brave! Brave Sir Robin!!!
Oh!!!
He was not the least bit scared to be mashed in to a pulp.
Or to have his eyes gouged out,..and his elboes broken .
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--
"That's........that's enough music....."

[Eric Vaxxine]

"...for now lads, looks like there's dirty work afoot..."

[danscope]

"...for now lads, looks like there's dirty work afoot..."

(Said simultaneously...) "HALT!"
"Halt!"
"Halt!"
"Who Goes there?"
"He is brave Sir Robin! Brave Sir Robin!!"************** "Uh...no one really, just a simple stranger passing through..."

[Eric Vaxxine]

"Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away....."

[danscope]

"Brave Sir Robin ran away, bravely ran away away....."

SINGERS

When danger reared its ugly head,

He bravely turned his tail and fled

Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about

And gallantly he chickened out

Bravely taking to his feet

He beat a very brave retreat

Bravest of the brave Sir Robin......ho..

So Petrified of being dead

He Soiled his pants and

Turned and fled.

no horse or dwarf or dog or elf,

It's gauranteed he wet himself.......


and so legend has it..........



They disappear into distance. so ledgend has it........

[Eric Vaxxine]

That rabbit's dynamite!

[peter eldergill]

This has wandered a bit..so let's try again...

Hello...I would like to buy a fish licence....

[danscope]

This has wandered a bit..so let's try again...

Hello...I would like to buy a fish licence....

" I assure you,Sir; you don't need one."

[peter eldergill]

I need a licence for my fish...Eric the fish...he's an 'Alibut

[Eric Vaxxine]

A what?

[peter eldergill]

He is annnn... Halibut!

[danscope]

He is annnn... Halibut!

"You 'ARE' a looney!!!"

[Bongo]

Dead? ring Arthur ....!?!?!?! of Prestattin, the fastest funeral Service in North Wales. We can 'ave out the house and down the shoot within the hour.......

[danscope]

"Oh.....did you like your Mum? Well,then, we won't dump 'er."
................"Dump her???"........
"Right. Dump 'er in the Thames".

[danscope]

My Dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
...........Awefull !!!!!!!!!

[danscope]

" Two peanuts were walking down the street.............
....and .......one was assaulted................peanut !

[Eric Vaxxine]

" Old woman, who lives in that castle over there?"

[danscope]

" Old woman, who lives in that castle over there?"

"

ARTHUR

Old woman!



DENNIS

Man!



ARTHUR

Man. I'm sorry. Old man, What knight live in that castle

over there?



DENNIS

I'm thirty-seven.



ARTHUR

What?



DENNIS:

I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.



ARTHUR:

Well - I can't just say: "Hey, Man!'



DENNIS

Well you could say: "Dennis"



ARTHUR

I didn't know you were called Dennis.



DENNIS

You didn't bother to find out, did you?



ARTHUR

I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind

you looked ...



DENNIS

What I object to is that you automatically treat me like

an inferior ...



ARTHUR

Well ... I AM king.



DENNIS

Oh, very nice. King, eh! I expect you've got a palace and fine

clothes and courtiers and plenty of food. And how d'you get that?

By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist

dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our

society! If there's EVER going to be any progress ...



An OLD WOMAN appears.



OLD WOMAN

Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ... Oh!

how d'you do?



ARTHUR

How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...

can you tell me who lives in that castle?



OLD WOMAN

King of the WHO?



ARTHUR

The Britons.



OLD WOMAN

Who are the Britons?

tee hee hee......:)

[Eric Vaxxine]

Sir Arthur "We are all Britons"

Woman "Well, 'ow did you become King then?"

[Frog march]

manchester united 1
chefield united nil

[Eric Vaxxine]

Manchester City 19

Accrington Stanley, won

[danscope]

Sir Arthur "We are all Britons"

Woman "Well, 'ow did you become King then?"


ARTHUR

Please, please good people. I am in haste. What knight lives in

that castle?



OLD WOMAN

No one live there.



ARTHUR

Well, who is your lord?



OLD WOMAN

We don't have a lord.



ARTHUR

What?



DENNIS

I told you, We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune, we take

it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.



ARTHUR

Yes.



DENNIS

... But all the decisions of that officer ...



ARTHUR

Yes, I see.



DENNIS

... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority

in the case of purely internal affairs.



ARTHUR

Be quiet!



DENNIS

... but a two-thirds majority ...



ARTHUR

Be quiet! I order you to shut up.



OLD WOMAN

Order, eh -- who does he think he is?



ARTHUR

I am your king!



OLD WOMAN

Well, I didn't vote for you.



ARTHUR

You don't vote for kings.



OLD WOMAN

Well, how did you become king, then?



ARTHUR

The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,

held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by

Divine Providence ... that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...

That is why I am your king!

|

| OLD WOMAN

|

|

DENNIS

Look, mate; strange women lying on their backs in ponds distributing

swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme

executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from

some farcical aquatic ceremony. (Makes me wish I had been a Poly-Sci
major....that lot !!!! ).

[foreignkid]

DENNIS:
Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.

WOMAN:
Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven't got enough mud.

[danscope]

ARTHUR

Be quiet!



DENNIS

You can't expect to wield supreme executive power

just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!



ARTHUR

Shut up!



DENNIS

I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some

moistened **** had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would

put me away!



ARTHUR

(Grabbing him by the collar)

Shut up, will you. Shut up!



DENNIS

Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.



ARTHUR

Shut up!



PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.



DENNIS

(calling)

Come and see the violence inherent in the system.

Help, help, I'm being repressed!



ARTHUR

(aware that people are now coming out and watching)

Bloody peasant!

(pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)



DENNIS

Oh, Did you hear that! What a give-away.



ARTHUR

Come on, patsy.



They ride off.



DENNIS

(in the background as we PULL OUT)

did you see him repressing me, then? That's what I've

been on about ...
:) :) :) :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

That rabbit's dynamite!

[danscope]

ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind

SOOTHSAYER. He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut.



ARTHUR

" And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak, he has seen the grail? "



The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of

this encounter.



ARTHUR

" Where does he live?"

(he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)

" Old man ... where does he live ..."



SOOTHSAYER

" He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered."



ARTHUR

" And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?"



The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.



SOOTHSAYER

" There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge

of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed."



ARTHUR

"But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?"



SOOTHSAYER

" Seek you the Bridge of Death ..."



ARTHUR

" The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?"



The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly. They look down and he is

gone. They stand up. Suddenly behind them is a noise. They turn sharply

in the door of the little hut is a cat. It miaows and is gone. They

slowly back out of the hut. As they touch the doorposts they just flake

away into dust. The whole hut is rotten. It collapses



Spooky music. They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of

people moving in the forest around them. They start to back cautiously.....



and then.....

[Eric Vaxxine]

Wasp Club....

[danscope]

(Got 50 ° today) .....from 'Salad Days ' .......
"I say....anyone for Tennis ? "

[danscope]

A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon,

punctuated by short, sharp

cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of

MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL

flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves

on the foreheads with

wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who

are dragging a beautiful

YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets.

They drag her to a

strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the

village. A

strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR

BEDEVERE.



FIRST VILLAGER

We have found a witch. May we burn her?



ALL

A Witch! Burn her!



BEDEVERE

How do you know she is a witch?



ALL

She looks like one. Yes, she does.



BEDEVERE

Bring her forward.



They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL

(MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up

as a witch.



WITCH

I am not a witch. I am not a witch.



BEDEVERE

But you are dressed as one.



WITCH

They dressed me up like this.


...................?

[Eric Vaxxine]

She turned me into a Newt?

[danscope]

" I got better........But.....She's a witch!!"
'Burn her..Burn Her....!!!

[Eric Vaxxine]

What floats on water?

[danscope]

" .....Very small rocks!!..." :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

" .....Very small rocks!!..." :)

ha haaaa...

Lead, lead?

[Eric Vaxxine]

Arthur...'A duck!'

Knight....'So, if she weighs the same as a duck.....'

Peasant 'She's made of wood!'

Knight 'And therefore....?'

[danscope]

Arthur...'A duck!'

Knight....'So, if she weighs the same as a duck.....'

Peasant 'She's made of wood!'

Knight 'And therefore....?'

" A WITCH!!!!!!........Burn Her...Burn her!!! "
"We shall use my largest scales...":D

[danscope]

Just to reminise: The great sense of logic and the physicst's charm is
illuminated it this short anedote.............
.............
A village. Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp

cracks. It comes nearer. We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL

flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with

wooden boards. They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful

YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets. They drag her to a

strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village. A

strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.



FIRST VILLAGER

We have found a witch. May we burn her?



ALL

A Witch! Burn her!



BEDEVERE

How do you know she is a witch?



ALL

She looks like one. Yes, she does.



BEDEVERE

Bring her forward.



They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up

as a witch.



WITCH

I am not a witch. I am not a witch.



BEDEVERE

But you are dressed as one.



WITCH

They dressed me up like this.



ALL

We didn't, we didn't!



WITCH

This is not my nose, It is a false one.



BEDEVERE takes her nose off.



BEDEVERE

Well?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Well, we did do the nose.



BEDEVERE

The nose?



FIRST VILLAGER

And the hat. But she is a witch.



ALL

A witch, a witch, burn her!



BEDEVERE

Did you dress her up like this?



FIRST VILLAGER

... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.



BEDEVERE

Why do you think she is a witch?



SECOND VILLAGER

She turned me into a newt.



BEDEVERE

A newt?



SECOND VILLAGER

(After looking at himself for some time)

I got better.



ALL

Burn her anyway.



BEDEVERE

Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.



ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest



ALL

There are? Tell up. What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?



BEDEVERE

Tell me ... what do you do with witches?



ALL

Burn them.



BEDEVERE

And what do you burn, apart from witches?



FOURTH VILLAGER

... Wood?



BEDEVERE

So why do witches burn?



SECOND VILLAGER

(pianissimo)

... Because they're made of wood...?



BEDEVERE

Good.



PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.



ALL

I see. Yes, of course.



BEDEVERE

So how can we tell if she is made of wood?



FIRST VILLAGER

Make a bridge out of her.



BEDEVERE

Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?



ALL

Ah. Yes, of course ... um ... err ...



BEDEVERE

Does wood sink in water?



ALL

No, no, It floats. Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her. To

the pond.



BEDEVERE

Wait. Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?



ALL

Bread? No, no, no. Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...



ARTHUR

A duck.



They all turn and look at ARTHUR. BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.



BEDEVERE

Exactly. So... logically ...



FIRST VILLAGER

(beginning to pick up the thread)

If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.



BEDEVERE

And therefore?



ALL

A witch! ... A duck! A duck! Fetch a duck.



FOURTH VILLAGER

Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.



BEDEVERE

We shall use my largest scales.



He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed, made of

wood and rope and leather. They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck

in another. Each pan is supported by a wooden stave. BEDEVERE checks

each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.



BEDEVERE

Remove the supports.



Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers. The GIRL and the duck

swing slightly but balance perfectly.



ALL

A witch! A witch!



WITCH

It's a fair cop.



All

Burn her! Burn her! Let's make her into a ladder.



The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding

each other admiringly.



BEDEVERE

Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

( I think there's a lesson in that for all of us....)

[danscope]

Bedevere lifts his visor, which is magically clear of obstruction, since it has
nothing in it.....merely a frame....to hear......
"I am Arthur Pendragon ,King of the Britons..."

[Eric Vaxxine]

And now for something completely different ...

[danscope]

And now for something completely different ...

"We take you now to the Great International Upper Class Twit of the Year
Competition,
Commentator (John Cleese):
Good afternoon and welcome to Hurlingham Park.
You join us just as the competitors are running out onto the field on this lovely winter's afternoon here, with the going firmunderfoot and very little sign of rain. Well it certainly looks as though we're in for a splendid afternoon's sport in this the 127th Upperclass Twit of the Year Show. Well the competitors will be off in a moment so let me just identify for you.

(camera zooms in on the competitors)

Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith has an
O-level in chemo-hygiene.
Simon-Zinc-Trumpet-Harris, married to a very attractive table lamp.
Nigel Incubator-Jones, his best friend is a tree,
and in his spare time he's a stockbroker.
Gervaise Brook-Hampster is in the Guards,
and his father uses him as a wastepaper basket.
And finally Oliver St John-Mollusc,
Harrow and the Guards, thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit.
Now they're moving up to the starting line,
there's a jolly good crowd here today.
Now they're under starter's orders...
and they're off.
...........oh..dear...

[danscope]

(the starter fires the gun, but nobody moves)

Ah no, they're not.
No they didn't realize they were supposed to start.
Never mind, we'll soon sort that out, the judge is explaining it to them now.
I think Nigel and Gervaise have got the idea.
All set to go.

(starter fires gun again and the twits move offer in different directions)

Oh, and they're off and it's a fast start this year.
Oliver St John-Mollusc running a bit wide there and now they're coming into their first test, the straight line.

(All the Twits run erratically along five white lines)

They've got to walk along this straight line without failing over and Oliver's over at the back there, er, Simon's coming through quite fast on theoutside, I think Simon and Nigel, both of them coming through very fast. There's Nigel there. No. Three, I'm sorry, and on theoutside there's Gervaise coming through just out of shot and now, the position...

(the twits approach a line of matchboxes
piled three high)

Simon and Vivian at the front coming to the
matchbox jump... three layers of matchboxes to clear... and Simon's over and Vivian's over beautifully, oh and the jump of a lifetime -
if only his father could understand.
Here's Nigel... and now Gervaise is over he's, er, Nigel is over, and it's Gervaise, Gervaise is going to jump it, is it, no he's jumped the wrong way, there.he goes, Nigel's over, beautifully.
Now it's only Oliver. Oliver... and Gervaise...
oh bad luck.
And now it's Kicking the Beggar.

(the twits are kicking a beggar with a tray)

Simon's there and he's putting the boot in, and not terribly hard, but he's going down and Simon can move on. Now Vivian's there. Vivian is there and waiting for a chance. Here tie comes, oh a piledriver, a real piledriver, and now Simon's on No. l, Vivian a, Nigel 3, Gervaise on 4 and Oliver bringing up the rear.
Ah there's Oliver...

(Oliver is still trying to jump the matchboxes)

...there's Oliver now, he's at the back. I think he's having a little trouble with his old brain injury, he's going to have a go, no, no, bad luck, he's up, he doesn't know when he's beaten, this boy, lie doesn't know when he's winning either. He doesn't have any sort of sensory apparatus. Oh there's Gervaise

(He is still kicking the beggar)

and he's putting the boot in there and he's got the beggar down and the steward's giving him a little bit of advice, yes, he can move on now, he can move on to the Hunt Photograph. He's off, Gervaise is there and Oliver's still at the back having trouble with the matchboxes.

(the twits approach a table with two attractive girls and a photographer)

Now here's the Hunt Ball Photograph and the first here's Simon, he's going to enjoy a joke with Lady Arabella Plunkett. She hopes to go into films, and Vivian's through there and, er, Nigel's there enjoying a joke with Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith.

(shot of twit in a sports car reversing into cut-out of old woman)

And there's, there's Simon now in the sports car, he's reversed into the old woman, he's caught her absolutely beautifully. Now he's going to accelerate forward there to wake up the neighbour. There's Vivian I think, no Vivian's lost his keys, no there's Vivian, he's got the old woman, slowly but surely right in the midriff, and here he is. Here he is to wake up the neighbournow.

(a man in bed in the middle of the pitch.
The twit slams car door repeatedly)
(sounds like a typical sunday morning some places....) :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Spring surprise? When people place a nice choccy in their mouth, they don't to have their cheeks pierced!'

'Now, what's this, Crunchy Frog!'

[danscope]

"Ah, Yes! One of our specialities!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

' Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in there? '

[danscope]

"Yes....a little one..! "

[Eric Vaxxine]

" What sort of frog? "

[danscope]

H: A...a *dead* frog.
I: Is it cooked?
H: No.
I: What, a RAW frog?!?
H: Oh, we use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq,
cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in
a succulent, Swiss, quintuple-smooth, treble-milk chocolate envelope, and
lovingly frosted with glucose.

[Eric Vaxxine]

Is this the right room for an argument?

[Frog march]

do you want the five minute argument or the four and a half hours?

[danscope]

Well....what are the costs?

[Frog march]

what lives in the sea, and gets caught in nets?

[danscope]

Eric.....Eric Fish. He is an halibut.

[danscope]

" Lately ,I find that there is an alarming increase in the amount of things I know nothing about." Tom Rush

[danscope]

"They've even git a beeper on me and a cell phone........
in case they have a "Folk music emergency!" Tom Rush

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Do you have any cheese, (he asked expecting the answer NO).?

[danscope]

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...............No."

[danscope]

"Now, I am going to once again ask you if you have any cheese at all; and if you tell me no, I am going to kill you." .......(The merchant swallows nervously, as his eyes
linger on a large revolver which the customer is loading in full view).

[Eric Vaxxine]

"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to shoot you".

[danscope]

" BANG!!!!!! " ............"What a senseless waste.....of human life."

[Eric Vaxxine]

And now Wasp club, introduced by.....

[danscope]

Ouch!!!

[Eric Vaxxine]

'I didn't expect some sort of "Spanish Inquisition"'....

[danscope]

..........." NO.....one expects "The Spanish Inquisition"!!! We have few weapons
; fear and surprise.............and a ruthless efficiency....."

[Eric Vaxxine]

Not....'the comfy chair!!!!'

[danscope]

"Cardinal Biddles; Cardinal Fang; We shall try this unbeliever .......
on pain of torture! Fetch.............The Stuffed Cushions!!!!!!!!"

[danscope]

Say.......here's a fun site. Go to YOUTUBE.com and punch in...
"How to wash a cat " . This is about 4 minutes long. The begining credits are a cartoon, but it soon turns into a video tape. The cat looks like mine.
This is pretty funny!!!!:D :D :D
Dan

[Roy Batty]

Yes, but how do you confuse it?

[danscope]

The suit, helmet and welders gloves ought to do it!!!:D :D

[Eric Vaxxine]

Yes, but how do you confuse it?

'Run away, more?'

[danscope]

" Simply.....give your cat a bath!!! " :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

'The Salmon mousse...!'

[danscope]

"Oh...Dear; You didn't use canned salmon, did you? .......I'm frightfully sorry."
...............................
"But.........I did,'t even have the Salmon.....!" :)

[danscope]

" And now ........for the meaning of life!......Thank you, Bridgitte.
Well, let's see;'Try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations."

[danscope]

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.

Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.

The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
(Of course, if you live near the equator.......you would be revolving at 1000
miles per hour , the equator being 24,000 miles, revolving once in 24 hours...
do the math.....ah...time for tea....

[foreignkid]

Pie Iesu Domine,
Dona Eis Requiem!


P.S.: what song is that, danscope?

[danscope]

Hi, It was sung at the end of the python movie.."The Meaning of Life"
Quite a good tune,there. Check out the movie sometime. Parts are a bit absurd, but it was all in fun. Alltogether, I liked it a great deal, and it was well worth it. They have a talent for poking fun . :D
Best regards, Dan

[Eric Vaxxine]

Welease Woderwick!

[Roy Batty]

Pie Iesu Domine,
Dona Eis Requiem!
Smack! :)

Btw it's called 'The Galaxy Song' & it's one of my faves! (from Python) :).

[danscope]

Yes, and quite appropo for this forumn! Kind of a "Universal" song ! :D
Best regards, Dan

[danscope]

Welease Woderwick!

"Why.....Woderwick was a wespeckfwul fwiend of Biccus Diccuss."

[Hydro]

Smack! :)

Btw it's called 'The Galaxy Song' & it's one of my faves! (from Python) :).

A youtube (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z2JU4gX6rg8&mode=related&search=) video of "The Galaxy Song"

Not the original clip from the movie, but its there also.

[Eric Vaxxine]

"Woger fwom Wome?"

[danscope]

Give it a miss?
CENTURION:
Well, it's just that they're in a rather funny mood today, sir.
PILATE:
Weally, Centuwion? I'm surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.
CENTURION:
A... bit thundery, sir.
:)

[foreignkid]

CENTURION: What's this, then? 'Romanes Eunt Domus'? 'People called Romanes they go the house'?
BRIAN: It-- it says, 'Romans, go home'.
CENTURION: No, it doesn't. What's Latin for 'Roman'? Come on!
BRIAN: Aah!
CENTURION: Come on!
BRIAN: 'R-- Romanus'?
CENTURION: Goes like...?
BRIAN: 'Annus'?
CENTURION: Vocative plural of 'annus' is...?
BRIAN: Eh. 'Anni'?
CENTURION: 'Romani'. 'Eunt'? What is 'eunt'?
BRIAN: 'Go'. Let--
CENTURION: Conjugate the verb 'to go'.
BRIAN: Uh. 'Ire'. Uh, 'eo'. 'Is'. 'It'. 'Imus'. 'Itis'. 'Eunt'.
CENTURION: So 'eunt' is...?
BRIAN: Ah, huh, third person plural, uh, present indicative. Uh, 'they go'.
CENTURION: But 'Romans, go home' is an order, so you must use the...?
BRIAN: The... imperative!
CENTURION: Which is...?
BRIAN: Umm! Oh. Oh. Um, 'i'. 'I'!
CENTURION: How many Romans?
BRIAN: Ah! 'I'-- Plural. Plural. 'Ite'. 'Ite'.
CENTURION: 'Ite'.
BRIAN: Ah. Eh.
CENTURION: 'Domus'?
BRIAN: Eh.
CENTURION: Nominative?
BRIAN: Oh.
CENTURION: 'Go home'? This is motion towards. Isn't it, boy?
BRIAN: Ah. Ah, dative, sir! Ahh! No, not dative! Not the dative, sir! No! Ah! Oh, the... accusative! Accusative! Ah! 'Domum', sir! 'Ad domum'! Ah! Oooh! Ah!
CENTURION: Except that 'domus' takes the...?
BRIAN: The locative, sir!
CENTURION: Which is...?!
BRIAN: 'Domum'.
CENTURION: 'Domum'.
BRIAN: Aaah! Ah.
CENTURION: 'Um'. Understand?
BRIAN: Yes, sir.
CENTURION: Now, write it out a hundred times.
BRIAN: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar, sir.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar. If it's not done by sunrise, I'll cut "somethings".
BRIAN: Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Hail Caesar and everything, sir! Oh. Mmm!
Finished!
ROMAN SOLDIER STIG: Right. Now don't do it again.
[CENTURIONS chase BRIAN]
MAN: Hey! Bloody Romans.

[danscope]

" Remarkable!!! And a 'very well done' To You,Sir! " Would you like a jelly baby?

[danscope]

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'LONDON 1895'
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE RESIDENCE OF MR

OSCAR WILDE'
Suitably classy music starts. Mix through to

Wilde's drawing room. A crowd of suitably dressed

folk are engaged in typically brilliant

conversation, laughing affectedly and drinking

champagne.
Prince My congratulations, Wilde. Your latest play

is a great success. The whole of London's talking

about you.
(Oscar) There is only one thing in the world worse

than being talked about, and that is not being

talked about.
There follows fifteen seconds of restrained

and sycophantic laughter.
Prince ..... Very very witty ... very very witty.
Whistler ..... There is only one thing in the world

worse than being witty, and that is not being witty.
Fifteeen more seconds of the same.
Oscar ..... I wish I had said that.
Whistler ..... You will, Oscar, you will. (more

laughter)
Oscar ... Your Majesty, have you met James McNeill Whistler?

[foreignkid]

Har-de-Har-Har

[danscope]

" Well Ralph, my brother is comming over tonight..."
" Listen ,Alice, I'm going bowling and that's final!"

[foreignkid]

All (mumbling):
Good evening.

Sargeant:
Where's all the others, then?

All:
They're not here.

Sgt.:
I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All:
Dunno.

Chapman (member of class):
Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sgt.:
Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

Palin:
Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.:
What do you mean?

Jones:
We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.:
What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin:
Can't we do something else?

Idle (Welsh):
Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.:
Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit...

All:
We done the passion fruit.

Sgt.:
What?

Chapman:
We done the passion fruit.

Palin:
We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

Jones:
Whole and segments.

Palin:
Pomegranates, greengages...

Chapman:
Grapes, passion fruit...

Palin:
Lemons...

Jones:
Plums...

Chapman:
Mangoes in syrup...

Sgt.:
How about cherries?

All:
We did them.

Sgt.: Red and black?

All:
Yes!

Sgt.:
All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sgt.:
We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him 'elpless.

Palin:
Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Idle:
Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.:
Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman:
'Arrison.

Sgt.:
Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman:
Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.:
Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin:
You shot him!

Jones:
He's dead!

Idle:
He's completely dead!

Sgt.:
I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin:
You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.:
Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones:
But you told him to.

Sgt.:
Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourselves against fresh fruit.

Idle:
And pointed sticks.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Palin:
Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sgt.:
Run for it.

Jones:
You could stand and scream for help.

Sgt.:
Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

Jones:
A pineapple?

Sgt.:
Where? Where?

Jones:
No I just said: a pineapple.

Sgt.:
Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

Jones:
What, on the pineapple?

Sgt.:
Where? Where?

Jones:
No, I was just repeating it.

Sgt.:
Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you, Mr Tin Peach.

Jones:
Thompson.

Sgt.:
Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as you like with it.

Jones:
No.

Sgt.:
Why not?

Jones:
You'll shoot me.

Sgt.:
I won't.

Jones:
You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sgt.:
That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

Idle:
You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sgt.:
Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry.
Come at me with it. Give me Hell.

Jones:
Throw the gun away.

Sgt.:
I haven't got a gun.

Jones:
You have.

Sgt.:
Haven't.

Jones:
You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sgt.:
Oh, that gun.

Jones:
Throw it away.

Sgt.:
Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -
without a gun.

Jones:
You were going to shoot me!

Sgt.:
I wasn't.

Jones:
You were!

Sgt.:
No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed! You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall-
CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

Jones:
Aaagh.

Sgt.:
If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the 16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

Palin:
Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.:
Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

Palin:
Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sgt.:
Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just one way of dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

Idle:
Like what?

Sgt.:
Shootin' him?

Palin:
Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.:
Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

Palin:
No guns.

Sgt.:
No.

Palin:
No 16-ton weights.

Sgt.:
No.

Idle:
No pointed sticks.

Sgt.:
Shut up.

Palin:
No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sgt.:
No.

Palin:
And you won't kill us.

Sgt.:
I won't.

Palin:
Promise.

Sgt.:
I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

Palin and Idle:
Oh, all right.

Sgt.:
Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to - release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

Sgt.:
The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so much as makes a move we'll all go up together! Right, right. I warned you. That's it...

(Explosion.)

[danscope]

A squadron leader, just off on a mission, runs past, and dashes into a Nissen hut

CAPTION: Somewhere in England, 1944

The squadron leader enters an RAF officers' mess and takes off his helmet

Bovril (Terry J.)
Morning, squadron leader.
Squadron Leader (Eric)
What-ho, Squiffy.
Bovril
How was it?
Squadron Leader
Top hole. Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter, dicky-birdied, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

[foreignkid]

Luke is jealous!

[Eric Vaxxine]

"Is Vic there?"

[danscope]

" Na... he left when they said that Dinsdale and some of the boys were comin round like."

[Roy Batty]

Dinsdale!!!

[danscope]

"Yah...but what bothered me was that they said I'd have to go down and see Doug."

[Eric Vaxxine]

Why? They were lovely blokes, they used to give their mother flowers.....

[danscope]

'struth!" why...nothin was too good for ol' Dinsy. He were like a brother to me."
(interviewer) ......But.....didn't he nail your head to the floor?"
...." Well, a bit.....yeah....,but well, it's like...he had too,ya know....."

[danscope]

" I get up and a button falls off, I pick up my briefcase and the handle falls off I'm afraid to go to the bathroom."

[Eric Vaxxine]

You're banging coconuts together?

[danscope]

"What....?"
" Well where are your horses then?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, you got some bloke there bangin on two empty 'alves 'o coconuts,
in'it?"
"Look, can you tell me who is lord of that castle?"
............ "Well....where'd ya get the coconuts from?"

[Eric Vaxxine]

"The coconuts tropical!"

[danscope]

ARTHUR:
What do you mean?
SOLDIER #1:
Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR:
The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plover may seek warmer climes in winter, yet these are not strangers to our land?
SOLDIER #1:
Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?:wall:

[ToSeek]

Not at all - they could be carried.

[Damien Evans]

What, carried by a swallow?

[ToSeek]

It could grip it by the husk!

[swansont]

It's not a question of where he grips it! It's a simple matter of weight ratios. A five ounce bird cannot carry a one pound coconut.

[Damien Evans]

well, what if two swallows carried it together?

[ToSeek]

You're skipping ahead!


ARTHUR: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your
master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a
swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
ARTHUR: Please!
GUARD #1: Am I right?
ARTHUR: I'm not interested!

[Damien Evans]

You're skipping ahead!

AARGH!!!:wall:

[Eric Vaxxine]

Go and tell your master.....

[danscope]

"Well.....I'll tell him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one,
you see." :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Heh heh heh...I told them we already got one...heh heh'

[Damien Evans]

WHat do you mean, he's already got one?

[danscope]

"Oh Yes.....it's a very nicea!"
........"Well....can we come up and have a look?"
"Non.Of course not,' cause you are English types...."



Well, what are you, then?

[Damien Evans]

I'm French, can't you tell by this ouuuutrageous accent, you silly king?

[danscope]

GALAHAD

" What are you doing in England? "

[Damien Evans]

Mind you own business!

[danscope]

"Look,....is there someone else up there we could talk too?"

[Eric Vaxxine]

(the clatter of armour and a squeaky visor sounds in the background).
No! Now go away or I shall taunt you for a second time! (from memory)

[danscope]

Local happenings:
Farmer Bert is called for a hearing concerning his accident claim, which involves a complaint from the insurance company who sends a lawyer .
The Judge says " Now, let's see. Farmer Bert, would you please tell the court what happened?"
" Well allright,I will. Well your Honor, I had just finished loading up my favourite mule, Bessie when...."
At which the lawyer butted in saying..." Your Honor, this person was overheard at the scene by an official witness stating that 'he felt fine'."
To which the judge said..." Now, now, I want to hear all about Farmer Bert's mule , Bessie. "
And so Farmer Bert again said..." Well, your Honor, like I was beggining to say
....I had just loaded up my favourite mule, Bessie into the trailer behind my vehicle, and after I was going down the road when as I passed through the intersection, this tractor trailer blew through the red light, destroying my vehicle and knocking Bessie into one ditch, and me into another. Well, we were both badly banged up, as you can imagine, and Bessie was making a most horrible comotion. Well after a few minutes, a State Police car came by, and hearing Bessie's wailing, he went to her first. Well, when he spied her unfortunate condition, he had no choice but to pull out his revolver and shoot her right between the eyes. And then, he came over to me and asked....
"Well now, How do you feel?" So I hurried up and told him that "I feel FINE!"

Dan

[Damien Evans]

Local happenings:
Farmer Bert is called for a hearing concerning his accident claim, which involves a complaint from the insurance company who sends a lawyer .
The Judge says " Now, let's see. Farmer Bert, would you please tell the court what happened?"
" Well allright,I will. Well your Honor, I had just finished loading up my favourite mule, Bessie when...."
At which the lawyer butted in saying..." Your Honor, this person was overheard at the scene by an official witness stating that 'he felt fine'."
To which the judge said..." Now, now, I want to hear all about Farmer Bert's mule , Bessie. "
And so Farmer Bert again said..." Well, your Honor, like I was beggining to say
....I had just loaded up my favourite mule, Bessie into the trailer behind my vehicle, and after I was going down the road when as I passed through the intersection, this tractor trailer blew through the red light, destroying my vehicle and knocking Bessie into one ditch, and me into another. Well, we were both badly banged up, as you can imagine, and Bessie was making a most horrible comotion. Well after a few minutes, a State Police car came by, and hearing Bessie's wailing, he went to her first. Well, when he spied her unfortunate condition, he had no choice but to pull out his revolver and shoot her right between the eyes. And then, he came over to me and asked....
"Well now, How do you feel?" So I hurried up and told him that "I feel FINE!"

Dan

LOL, thats gold

[danscope]

Yep, nothing's easy.
I took my Mother-in-law to the 100 car demolition derby. She was thrown out of qualifying for agressive driving! :D
Dan

[Damien Evans]

Damn them old people drivers...

[Damien Evans]

He who wants to cross the bridge of death must answer me these questions three:

What is your name?
What is your quest?
What is your favourite colour?

[danscope]

" Very well, Bridge keeper. I am not afraid. "
............
" What............is your name?"
"I am sir Lancealot."

......"What ..........is your quest ? "
" I seek the grail."

" What ................is your favourite colour? "
" BLUE! "
" Right! ....Off you go then ."



>>>
.
.
.
.
"That's easy....."

[Damien Evans]

What.... Is your name?

Sir Robin of Camelot

What.... Is your quest?

I seek the holy grail

What.... Is the capital of Assyria?

Wha... I, I don't know that... ARRGHHHHHHHH

[danscope]

......a peculiar bridge keeper cast his 'eye' on the poor and unfortunate as well as geographicaly challenged Sir Robin is cast into the pit of doom from which he momentarily sees but cannot grasp the other side.
The bridge keeper mocks him with an erie "EEh - hee-hee-hee " .

[Eric Vaxxine]

And now for something completely not Grailish ...
'Your Majesty is like a stream of bats ****wee...'.

[danscope]

" Yes.....one of Wilde's, your majesty.....!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Is this the right forum for an argument?'

[rahuldandekar]

"I replied once!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

No you didn't!

[rahuldandekar]

Yes I did!
No you didn't!
Yes I did!
No I didn't!
I'm sorry, is this a five minute topic or a 30 minute one?
Oh, oh, just a five minute one. :D

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Anyway, you didn't' pay'.

[rahuldandekar]

WHAT? I paid! I most certainly did pay!

[Damien Evans]

no you didn't

[rahuldandekar]

Yes I did!
Now lets get one thing clear: you most certainly did not pay.
I did, I did!

[Damien Evans]

You most certainly did not.

[rahuldandekar]

I did!
You did not!
I did!
You did not!
Oh, but this isn't an arugment.
Yes it is.

[Eric Vaxxine]

Ahhhhh...If I haven't paid, why are you arguing?
Ahhhh, got you....!!!

No you haven't
Yes I have....
If you're arguing I must have paid!

[danscope]

" Well.......I could be arguing ....on my own time!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Oh, I've had enough of this'.

I've been told, Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor!

[danscope]

" Dinsy? No!! Never. Well, .....I mean.... well he had to...a bit. But I never held it against him. Me an ol' Dinsy were like brothers..we were. But there was one time when.......sniff......he said I'd have to go down an .....see....Doug.."

[Frog march]

ALBAtross!!!!!!

[danscope]

"Does it come in any flavour? "

[Eric Vaxxine]

'It's bloomin' seabird flavour ... '

[danscope]

" Er.....what's it cost? "

[Eric Vaxxine]

'9 pence'.

[toejam]

I'll offer three ha'pence.

[Frog march]

kilopi.


edit- i mean "aaaaaaalllllllllbbbbbbbbaaaaaaaatrrrossssssssss"

[danscope]

"What I meant, Your Majesty, is that....like a cream filled doughnut,...
your arrival gives us pleasure,...and......your departure makes us yearn for more! "

[Eric Vaxxine]

Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, oh brave Sir Robin,
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp ....

[toejam]

and he urged his faithfull steed,named Kamikaze, to greater and greater efforts...

[Eric Vaxxine]

Crucifiction ... ?

[danscope]

" Well, no, it's freedom for me!"
...
"Oh, well, off you go then."

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Only joking....'

[danscope]

" Good......there's your cross, up a few steps and to the right."

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Always look on the bright side of death .... '

[danscope]

'Look..Brian,.....ya come from nuthin, you go back to nuthin. What ya got?
...........Nothing! "

[danscope]

" Clean Cup!!!! Clean Cup!!!!!! Move down...Move down!!!!!! "

[Frog march]

"then I peel the banana, thus disabling him"

[danscope]

" The deceased, Mr. Apricot, is now rendered harmless."
..........."But you shot him!!!"
" Look....I was only doing my job! I have to teach you how to defend yourself against fresh fruit! "

[Eric Vaxxine]

The banana .....

[danscope]

Why can't we do pointed sticks?

[Eric Vaxxine]

Pointed sticks?

[toejam]

A sticky point.

[danscope]

"Or maybe we could do a pineapple!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Now, you ..., Mr Apricot ...'

[danscope]

" Harrison! "

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Mr Harrison, come at me with the banana!'

[danscope]

"No, .....you'll shoot me!"

[Eric Vaxxine]

'Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to teach you how to defend yourself
against someone attacking you with fresh fruit!'

[KaiYeves]

"But who the heck will ever attack me with fruit? I mean, sure, if you had no other weapon, but..."

[enigma_0Z]

"Do you not understand the dangers of fresh fruit???"

...

"DO YOU?"

[danscope]

And therefore, he became the 'Butt' of many jokes!"

[danscope]

" Yes,....Yes.... it all comes out....in the end.!"

[3dknight]

Sorry I deleted my message now people don't understand what your replying too. I'll say it again I think it goes something like this.


This is not the end for Sir. Robin. He left a surprise in his pants and killed everyone in Camelot. The poop was in his pants for so long that his butt got raw. He never recovered from this serious of unfortuanate events. It was something like this.

[DogsHead]

Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmond Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish...

[danscope]

" Er.....'Peckish'...Sir? "

[KaiYeves]

"Okay, okay, fruit can be dangerous. But what about all those other dangers in life, like barbers without liscences or..."

[danscope]

" Pointed sticks."

[danscope]

" Or.......a PINEAPPLE! "

[SMEaton]

"Esurient."

[danscope]

"Eh...?"
"........ I were all hungry , Lad!!!" :)

[Eric Vaxxine]

And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.

[KaiYeves]

"Barbers without licences? Where did you get that crazy idea, boy? With all the things cops have to worry about, like..."

[danscope]

And I thought to myself, 'a little fermented curd will do the trick'. So I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.

" Come again?"

" I WANT TO BUY SOME CHEESE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "

[SMEaton]

"Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!"

[danscope]

"Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse."

[KaiYeves]

"So, in plain English- you like to dance?"

[Eric Vaxxine]

"Oh, heaven forbid. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse."

"So he can carry on playing then?"

[danscope]

" Most certainly! And now, my good man,....some cheese, if you please."

[KaiYeves]

"Kaseri or Stilton?"

[Eric Vaxxine]

Cheddar!

[KaiYeves]

"Sorry, we're out. But we have a sale on jelly donuts this month."

[Eric Vaxxine]

'South American Beaver Cheese?.'

[danscope]

"Ummmmm...............no."

" .....You ..do have some cheese, do you?"
"Oh Absolutely, Sir. It's a cheese shop!"
"Is it?"
" Oh yes,Sir. Finest in the district! "
"And pray...why would that be?"
"Well..........it's so clean!!!"
" Yes...well, it's certainly uncontaminated by the presence of cheese!"
:doh:

[Eric Vaxxine]

"Have you got any cheese"? he asked expecting the answer no!

[danscope]

"Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
...........no. "

"None at all ?"
" Not a scrap, Sir."

[Eric Vaxxine]

"I'm sorry but I'm going to have to shoot you".

[KaiYeves]

"Shoot me. With what? I may have failed the eye test in driver's ed, but I know that's just a squirt gun."

[toejam]

"But that's what you are, a little squirt. So.. Elephant guns are for elephants & squirt guns are for..." BANG!!!!!

[SMEaton]

"What a senseless waste of human life."
------------------
"Aye, very passable, this eh? Very passable indeed."

[danscope]

'ER...hmmm....I will not buy this record. It is scratched."

[Eric Vaxxine]

'I've got a slug?'

[danscope]

"Can it talk?"

[KaiYeves]

"No, it secretes banana creme. It's a banana slug. I make the best pies."

[Damien Evans]

Excuse me, I'm looking for an argument.

[toejam]

I saw it going to the bar for more beer. You can often find it or another one there.

[danscope]

" A Dog goes into a bar. 'I'd like a drink, please." wagging hiis tail.
................
The Barman says....' Sure , the toilet is just down the hall. "

Dog mutters....' I tell ya...I get no respect...no respect at all . "

[Eric Vaxxine]

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

[danscope]

" Well, Dear, It's the Cheap Laughs."

[3dknight]

So the party has come down to knock knock jokes? Pathetic or is it?

[danscope]

" Yeah....I tell ya, nothing's easy. My mother-in-law wanted a part time job.
She's lucky it's Halloween. They gave here a job at "Spooky World"....
................as a greeter! "


Original material by moi.

[KaiYeves]

Yeah, well yo mamma is so...
strong that she makes onions cry!

[Eric Vaxxine]

This is Almost a Ministry of Silly Talks!

What ever became of Eric the half-a-bee?

[danscope]

" Well, I called the airline for tickets. They asked me how many people will be flying? I said..." How should I know. It's your plane. "
Steven Wright

[KaiYeves]

"That's because you called Delta. I personally perfer Southwest domestically and Quantas internationally."

[Damien Evans]

"That's because you called Delta. I personally perfer Southwest domestically and Quantas internationally."

I fly QANTAS because I like my newspaper in the morning and my beer in the evening. (non Aussies won't get that)

[KaiYeves]

I fly QANTAS because I like my newspaper in the morning and my beer in the evening. (non Aussies won't get that)
I fly QUANTAS so I can watch Apollo 13 for free instead of thinking about how much I miss my family and how I'll still have to fly half a day to see them when I land in L.A.

[toejam]

I'd fly QANTAS if I could, because they use QUANTUM Mechanics on their planes.

[KaiYeves]

Actually, it's from Queensland And New Zealand Air Service. I guess the "z" got "civilized".

[toejam]

Actually, it's from Queensland And New Zealand Air Service. I guess the "z" got "civilized".

Wot?....
Sumt'in' in Oz civilized?
Another great country spoiled...

PS Civilizing your type to BLUE was a retrograde step too.

[KaiYeves]

I think of changing "z" to "s" and "k" to "c" as "civilizing" a word.

[toejam]

Civilizing a word in an uncivilised world. :)

[SMEaton]

This is Almost a Ministry of Silly Talks!

What ever became of Eric the half-a-bee?
"He had an accident."
"...You're off your chump."