CHRISTMAS ...

[Chook]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates", Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".

[damienpaul]

bah humbug!!! :P

Nice one Chook :lol:

[bossman20081]

ROFL!!! I got to remember that one!!!

[kashi]

That's quite amusing.

[jimmy]

Ha, I'd say the third man had the best Christmas! B)

[Betelgeuse]

:lol:

[Chook]

CHRISTMAS TOASTS

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Here’s to friends both near and far:
Here’s to woman, man’s guiding star:
Here’s to friends we’ve yet to meet,
Here’s to those here: all here I greet:
Here’s to childhood, youth, old age,
Here’s to prophet, bard and sage,
Here’s to health to every one,
Peace on earth, and heaven won!
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I ate too much Turkey, I ate too much corn,
I ate too much pudding and pie.
I'm stuffed up with muffins and too much stuffin'
I'm probably going to die.

I piled up my plate and I ate and I ate.
But I wish I had known when to stop,
For I'm so crammed with yams, sauces, gravies, and jams
That my buttons are starting to pop!

I'm full of tomatoes and French-fried potatoes
My stomach is swollen and sore,
But there's still some dessert so I guess it won't hurt if
I eat just a little bit more!
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[Janice]

:lol: I love it! A somewhat crude joke I haven't heard from some drip in my class yet. :D (I'm not being sarcastic I really do love it!)

[eyeinthesky77]

Very good Chook. Im gonna have to recall some funny christmas jokes from my school years and put them on here :lol:

[Chook]

Red and Green
can only mean one thing
Christmas is near
Santa is almost here
The reindeer are ready
The snow is falling steady
People are cheary
The elves are weary
Santas ride is always a success
He never fails to give his best
Once the morning comes
and santa is done
Christmas begins
After church
and much dessert
The family comes together for a wonderful day
Remembering the baby once asleep in the hay

[damienpaul]

brilliant rooster, brilliant!

[Janice]

:lol: :rolleyes: :lol:

[Chook]

A Politically Correct Christmas Story



'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labour conditions at the North Pole
were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorised use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,

Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamoured or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, dishevelled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.

A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.

[damienpaul]

ah yes but is that politically correct for warlords???

reindeer taste like chicken

[bossman20081]

Excellent jokes, Chook, do you mind if I use them? (Im still laughing at that one with that one where Santa gets his present :lol: :lol: )


Originally posted by Chook@Nov 26 2004, 04:56 AM
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.[/SIZE]

Hear! Hear!!

[Chook]

... but you're still KING bossman20081! :D :lol: :D

[Chook]

History of Santa Claus: The Untold Story

1689 -- Spanish-German explorer Santa Claus discovers the North Pole, and establishes a small base camp.
1691 -- Because of harsh and meager living conditions, Claus' crew abandons him.
1692 -- Claus is rescued by the Viking ship Hvorfor. He returns to Europe, bringing some items along with him from the North Pole. He finds he is able to sell them quite easily, making a small profit.
1703 -- Claus saves up enough money to buy a small ship and crew, and returns to the North Pole. Upon arriving, he finds his base camp, half-buried but still intact.
1704 -- Claus returns to Europe with a shipload of North Pole artifacts, and is successful in selling them. He makes enough profit to increase his crew, and buys building materials to expand his polar base.
1705 -- Claus returns again to the North Pole, and builds quarters for him and his crew, and sets up the Polar Exports Company.
1716 -- After six shiploads of exports, the European market is flooded with polar artifacts, as well as the phony ones making charlatans rich. Seeing this decline, Claus decides to invest his money by starting a toy company in his native Germany.
1720 -- Claus Toys becomes the largest toy company in Germany, but only because of Claus' underhanded business dealings. (It was also rumored that Claus was dealing with enemy countries as well). Competitors urged government officials to begin an investigation.
1721 -- Enough evidence is found, and charges are drawn up against the Claus Toys Company. Claus himself refuses to release his records.
1722 -- The German Supreme Court finds Claus guilty of tax evasion and of treason. When news of this breaks, Claus' employees all turn against him and his company.
1723 -- Claus is exiled to Sicily, and shortly before leaving, he absconds with all of the company's funds.
1724 -- A search party is sent to the Mediterranean to recover the funds, however, Claus hears of this ahead of time, and he and his Sicilian wife flee for their lives. (Some say he went into Northern Africa, but it is generally assumed that this was only a ruse to lure the searchers off course. He is believed to have returned to his North Pole base).
1725 -- Claus II is born en route to the North Pole.
1725-1734 -- The Claus' lay low at the North Pole. Claus teaches his son the arts of toymaking and business dealings.
1735 -- Rumor has it that Claus has hired Scandinavian builders to construct a castle for him at the North Pole, making use of almost half of the company funds.
1739 -- The castle is finished, and is one of the largest in the world. Claus II reaches his fifteenth birthday, and in the same year, Claus' wife dies, accidentally falling from a balcony in one of the castle's great halls.
1740 -- Claus, mourning his wife, becomes increasingly ill.
1745 -- Santa Claus II becomes of age, and begins taking care of the castle and of his sick father.
1747 -- Using the remaining company funds, Claus II builds a small city around the castle to attract workers and craftsmen.
1748 -- Word of the North Pole settlement reaches Europe. The Elves of Eastern Europe, quickly becoming political outcasts and striving for a better life, begin immigrating in waves to the North Pole.
1753 -- All the elves have left Eastern Europe and have become firmly established at the North Pole. Claus II begins his father's toy company once again, with an estimated 30,000 elves employed. Claus I dies, at age 89.
1755 -- The North Pole officially becomes a nation, and Claus II and his wife take the throne. The toy business continues to flourish, and the elves enjoy prosperity. Claus III is born.
1757 -- The great stables are built, and scientists are secretly hired by Claus II to begin an ambitious project--that of breeding and training reindeer to fly.
1773 -- The flying reindeer are achieved and become Claus II and III's major form of transportation.
1774 -- A mutant reindeer, named Rudolf, is born whose nose emits light. He becomes an outcast of the reindeer society, and is taken in by the Claus government. Claus II celebrates his 50th birthday, inviting several other world leaders for a stay at his castle. To impress them, he displays a lavish show of wealth, all at the elves' expense. He gives the other leaders the impression of a dictatorship under the guise of royalty. The elves sense this, and the seeds of rebellion are planted.
1777 -- As conditions become increasingly strict, the elves begin to search for a leader to lead their revolt. Rudolf, still in favor of the Claus government, sees their plight and begins thinking of ways to use it to his advantage.
1784 -- On his 60th birthday, Claus II takes a sleigh ride down main street during the Christmas day parade, and is assasinated by a radical faction of elves. Claus III, now 29, takes over immediately and puts martial law into effect for the whole North Pole. Civil war breaks out as Rudolf leads the Elves in rebellion.
1785-1792 -- The Seven-year Strike takes place. The elves refuse to make toys, and the Claus Toy Company nearly goes bankrupt, as the North Pole hits an economic low. Claus III, fearing for his life, becomes a prisoner of his own castle. Rudolf rises to the peak of his power, and sets himself as leader of the elven community.
1796 -- Rudolf and his army unsuccessfully attempt to invade Norway. Over 10,000 elves are killed.
1800 -- Inside the castle, unbeknownst to the elves, Claus IV is born.
1802 -- After a string of political blunders, Rudolf senses that he is quickly losing favor with the elves. Frosty the Snowman is built, brought to life, and used as a political scapegoat.
1804 -- Frosty the Snowman is melted at a public execution, and the elves are calmed of their unrest, for the moment.
1819-1826 -- After a long period of unrest, Rudolf is finally ousted, and Claus III, aged 71, rightfully regains the throne. Prince Claus IV is introduced to the elves publicly for the first time.
1827-1841 -- The Renormalization years. Claus III brings the near-bankrupt Claus Toys Company out of dormancy and appoints his son as president. In order to clear their bad name and make up for their out-of-the-way location, they decide to start the hugest advertising campaign ever. Each Christmas, Claus IV will ride all over the world, distributing free toys to children everywhere. The ad campaign becomes a hit, but remains very costly.
1837 -- Claus III dies.
1851 -- As the annual ad campaign continues, deficits pile up, and the elves are asked to work harder, longer hours and still take a pay cut. They start to complain, but Claus assures them he will do all he can to help them. As a sign of goodwill, Claus IV marries an Elven wife, strengthening the bonds between the Claus family and the Elves.
1856 -- Claus V is born. In order to celebrate, Claus IV decides to stay at home, and so he suggests that department stores use costumed employees to represent him. They do, and it works out so well that he decides to do it every year.
1857-1867 -- Claus V grows up, spending most of his time visiting with his elf relatives and friends. Claus IV, who spends most of his time building up the company, doesn't seem to mind, in fact, he feels that it's good publicity.
1871 -- Working conditions continue to worsen for the elves, and they try to convince Claus V to overthrow his father and give the government back to the elves.
1872 -- Claus V usurps his father's throne, sending him to live the remainder of his life under guard in the castle's west wing.
1875 -- After reading the works of Karl Marx, Claus V chooses communism as the new form of government for the North Pole. Some elves protest this, but they are successfully quieted. (It is also because of communism that Santa Claus' suit later changes from beige to red.)
1881 -- Claus IV dies in captivity, just as the new Government gets underway. His funeral is not a large one.
1887 -- In order to keep up with growing populations, Claus Toys becomes industrialized. The elves learn the ways of mass production on the assembly line.
1893 -- Another mutant reindeer is born, and is named Rudolf II in honor of the first one, whom the communist government now honors for "giving the government back to the elves."
1900 -- Sigmund Freud's "The Interpretation of Dreams" is published.
1902 -- After he had been presumed dead for years, Frosty the Snowman is claimed to have been sighted on several occasions. All throughout the kingdom, children claim that they all heard him say he'd be back again some day.
1906 -- Claus VI is born. The Claus family celebrates, but the elves aren't the least bit excited.
1909-1922 -- The toys distributed yearly begin to show signs of propaganda influence. Frosty the Snowman continues to appear occasionally, and Claus V begins to grow uneasy, fearing some sort of hidden sabotage.
1925 -- Claus V dies, under mysterious circumstances. He is found buried in the snow in the castle garden, frozen solid. Many think it is the work of Frosty, but no one can prove it.
1926 -- Claus VI takes over, and immediately tightens up security. He rules with an iron hand, but a fair one. Electric lights are installed in the streets, and the castle and the town gets electricity. The factories are expanded, and the toys continue to be used as propaganda for the world.
1929 -- Angered by Claus' commercialization of Christmas, the Grinch attempts to remove the material goods to show the true meaning of Christmas. He fails, and later Claus commissions a cartoon, which warps the story so that the Grinch is made out to be the villian.
1949 -- Claus VII is born.
1979 -- Claus VI dies of natural causes.
1933-1990 -- The North Pole remains stable, with everything running smoothly. Across the Western world, a pattern starts to emerge and become noticed. Children receive Claus' toys each Christmas, but as they grow older, their parents throw them away. When they have children of their own, they are surprised to see the toys once again, and when the children grow up the toys are thrown off again, and so the cycle goes on.
1991 -- First sightings of Anti-Claus.
1993 -- Anti-Claus is observed closely with telescopes, and photographed. His suit is like that of Santa Claus, but with the reds and whites reversed. He carries a 3-ply Hefty bag full of gifts no one wants or needs. And instead of using reindeer and a sleigh, he rides in a bathtub pulled by eight flying cows.
1997 -- Anti-Claus is radar tracked and found to live in an underground hideout run by dwarves at the South Pole.
2002 -- Communism fails utterly at the North Pole due to the nature of the elves. Claus VII, flying clockwise around the earth making the Christmas rounds, collides with Anti-Claus, who was flying counterclockwise. A huge explosion and blinding flash of light occurs, leading scientists to believe that they annihilated each other.
2007 -- The North Pole becomes a democracy, run wholly by the elves. Christmas is no longer commercialized or exploited. Happiness is finally achieved throughout the kingdom.
2011 -- It is discovered that Claus VII did not die in the explosion, but merely made it appear so.
:D :P

[Betelgeuse]

:D I think I'm gonna fall off my seat in a minute, and I'll blame you, chook!

Excellent!

How exactly do you come up with such jocular stories!?

[Chook]

... a couple'a beers, and a few mates! :lol:
(Get 'em on the Email too. Enjoy!)

[bossman20081]

Originally posted by Chook@Nov 27 2004, 02:26 PM
... a couple'a beers, and a few mates! :lol:
(Get 'em on the Email too. Enjoy!)
Isnt that how it always works?? :D :lol: