Some people are slow learners.

[Buttercup]

An acquaintance of ours, in his early 70s, has taken a shine to me. Not long after, he began trying to touch. :( He wanted me to kiss him. :naughty: I told my husband, who told him to knock it off. Figured that was the end of it (besides being told, we'd also took another measure to keep me at a distance from this man whenever we're in mixed company).

It seemed to work for a while.

Now he's started up again. :( Seems he has a bit of a fixation on me.

So my option is to either take additional measures quietly, or tell my husband and he gets riled up again. :rolleyes:

This man seems to be of sound mind. Doesn't seem pre-Alzheimers or etc.

Did not need this. I had honestly hoped he'd stopped, and it seemed he had. And to have someone like my husband angry with him?? :shifty: Dumb. Very dumb. My husband has tattoos, rides a motorcycle, doesn't take "stuff" from anyone.

[Perikles]

To be honest, I would only understand the husband getting riled if the offender is perceived to be some kind of threat. It doesn't sound as though he is one, being too old to ride a Harley, so surely the husband's reaction should be more of amusement than anything else, assuming he thinks you can take deal with it yourself. If he is not likely to react like that, I guess in the first instance it would be best to keep him out of it for now and try and deal firmly with it yourself. Just get across how ridiculous his behaviour is.

[Buttercup]

To be honest, I would only understand the husband getting riled if the offender is perceived to be some kind of threat. It doesn't sound as though he is one, being too old to ride a Harley, so surely the husband's reaction should be more of amusement than anything else...

It would be the principal of the matter which would irk my husband; the man's already been told once (and with other indirect but real "reinforcement"). Husband wouldn't do the old man any bodily harm; but honestly, I would have figured the man afraid of offending my husband anyway. Guess he's counting on his senior status to protect him? Which it will.


assuming he thinks you can take deal with it yourself.

I've not yet told my husband this man has started again.


If he is not likely to react like that, I guess in the first instance it would be best to keep him out of it for now and try and deal firmly with it yourself. Just get across how ridiculous his behaviour is.

Yeah. I'm going to deal with it. I dislike being downright rude, but if that is what it'll take...

[John Mendenhall]

Guys can be really thick about such things. Try a third party approach, ask the third party to be discrete, but blunt. I've seen that work.

Good luck.

[Buttercup]

Guys can be really thick about such things. Try a third party approach, ask the third party to be discrete, but blunt. I've seen that work.

Good luck.

I've already gone with that approach, the first time. But it is a good idea. Might have to call on 3rd party again. :(

[Fazor]

If it were Tara, I'd tell her to use the third-party approach . . . as long as her third party was a baseball bat. :-P

John is right; guys can be pretty thick about that stuff (in fairness, so can women.) That's why I laugh any time some guy flirts with Tara and when I tease her about it she replies "He wasn't flirting! He knows I'm dating you!" like knowing that actually stops every man in their tracks.

[Buttercup]

If it were Tara, I'd tell her to use the third-party approach . . . as long as her third party was a baseball bat. :-P

:lol:


John is right; guys can be pretty thick about that stuff (in fairness, so can women.)...

I'm mostly surprised/disturbed he's started again with making advances. I've already made it known myself...have had a 3rd party say something...AND my husband has told this man to quit.

I hate to use this word (obsessed) because it's bandied around too much and for various reasons, but I am beginning to get an unpleasant hunch that this man is somewhat obsessed with me.

If my reiterating leave me alone doesn't work, and if the 3rd party is reluctant to step in again, I'll tell my husband. Fortunately the man is probably 72, he is a bit "hefty" ... and I'm likely in no physical danger.

[Fazor]

... and I'm likely in no physical danger.

Just remember that if he does start to corner you or something, you just have to yell "Look! There's a kid on your lawn!" and that should distract him, given his age. :)

[Buttercup]

Just remember that if he does start to corner you or something, you just have to yell "Look! There's a kid on your lawn!" and that should distract him, given his age. :)

Lol! :)

Well unfortunately (a complicating snag in this), his son plays bass guitar in a band I'm singing with. I do like the son (platonically of course!); nice guy. I'm certain that's another reason the older man is pushing the envelope; not only because he thinks husband won't get physical (and husband wouldn't), but also because I won't want to risk hurt feelings/friction within the band. :( So far the son is okay/cool with it all; but I didn't go trash-talking his dad either. Kept my mouth shut about it otherwise (aside from that 3rd party, who is very discreet; and my husband, who also kept quiet about it).

The man's wife is in a bit of a snit about it; she looks at me like "Oh, you're so wrong about my darling husband!"

Yeah. And denial is a river in Egypt!! :p

I just hope I can continue to handle this without alienating the man's son, my fellow band member, or creating hostility which will affect the band. The father shows up for our performances.

[danscope]

May I suggest "the very large pitcher of ice water including much ice....right down the back inside the shirt if possible.
And in the presence of people. This is quite a hint !!!!!!

[Buttercup]

May I suggest "the very large pitcher of ice water including much ice....right down the back inside the shirt if possible.
And in the presence of people. This is quite a hint !!!!!!

Hmmmm! :) Never occurred to me. Yes -- a bit of public humiliation might work wonders. :lol:

[danscope]

Yes...er...kind of a "cooling off period" . Make sure the ice goes down inside the shirt.

[jrkeller]

TASER

From Wikipedia,


Taser devices are not considered firearms by the United States government. They can be legally carried (concealed or open) without a permit in 43 states. They are prohibited for citizen use in the District of Columbia, Hawaii, Massachusetts, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Rhode Island,[52] and Wisconsin, as well as certain cities and counties. Their use in Connecticut and Illinois is legal with restrictions.

[Tobin Dax]

Hasn't something like this happened before? Or am I confused?

[HenrikOlsen]

Tasering a 72 year old man is a really bad idea. We don't want Buttercup to be the subject of out next discussion of whether it's murder, manslaughter or homicide.

[HenrikOlsen]

Hasn't something like this happened before? Or am I confused?
You're not misremembering, just confused:)
From the OP:


It seemed to work for a while.

Now he's started up again. :(

[Nowhere Man]

Pepper spray. Apply liberally, but make sure you're upwind. (http://failblog.org/tag/pepper-spray/)

Fred

[jrkeller]

Tasering a 72 year old man is a really bad idea. We don't want Buttercup to be the subject of out next discussion of whether it's murder, manslaughter or homicide.

OK, How about a pitbull?

Seriously, have you checked to see if he is a registered sex offender?

[Selenite]

Sorry to hear the bad behavior is back. If only there was a verbal equivalent to a swift knee to the crotch. :(

[Jim]

I'd suggest being direct. The next time he tries something, tell him you don't like that, don't want that, and he should stop. Be very blunt, very forceful, but also very calm. Repeat as necessary.

[Buttercup]

I'd suggest being direct. The next time he tries something, tell him you don't like that, don't want that, and he should stop. Be very blunt, very forceful, but also very calm. Repeat as necessary.

I definitely will.

It just troubles me that my husband (who has let him know to stay away, leave me alone) AND the 3rd party (also a man) who talked with him on my behalf are there too...and yet he starts again. :confused:

Of course he's sneaky: His last approach was while husband and our male friend were elsewhere on the grounds.

This man creeps me out. Not because of age; he could be 30 years younger.

I will slap him if necessary. We haven't even been "nice" about it.

But I will definitely reiterate. And he'd better get it this time, because my husband will NOT be happy to hear yet another instance...

[Perikles]

IBut I will definitely reiterate. And he'd better get it this time, because my husband will NOT be happy to hear yet another instance...Normally, at that age, people tend to put value on the opinion their own children have of them. Try blackmailing him by threatening to tell his son how pitiable his behaviour is. It would not work with everybody.

[Moose]

Buttercup, is this the same fellow you told us about last time? My advice then stands now.

[Buttercup]

Buttercup, is this the same fellow you told us about last time? My advice then stands now.

No, this is a different man. I've not mentioned him until now.

[Noclevername]

Call the police on him, tell them he's harassing or stalking you. It may not result in an arrest but it will embarrass him.

[TJMac]

As a polite society, we are respectful, and listen to other's wishes. If I make a pass at a woman, and she lets me know she isn't interested, then I let it go, regardless of whether I am disappointed by her reaction. That's how it is supposed to work.

If I ignore her verbal rebuke of my pass, and try to touch her, or kiss her, then I have crossed the line where she still needs to be polite. I can continue to get away with a great deal however, if she insists on being polite and not causing a scene. If there are issues such as stated in the OP, other people who could become involved, perhaps causing uncomfortable social situations, then that works as a tool for me to manipulate her. Only if she realizes that my actions put me squarely in the wrong, and that I have given up my rights to not have an angry tattooed biker in my face, does she take back the power.

I would start out very loud, profanity for shock value, to send the message home. Then I would call the police and file a report, if for no other reason than to cause him some grief. If the husband would not get physical, but would only repeat what the lady has already said, then I dont really see the point in having him involved.

What I would not do is let my life be altered, while I run around and avoid some guy who is making me feel uncomfortable.

TJ

[Buttercup]

As a polite society, we are respectful, and listen to other's wishes. If I make a pass at a woman, and she lets me know she isn't interested, then I let it go, regardless of whether I am disappointed by her reaction. That's how it is supposed to work.

If I ignore her verbal rebuke of my pass, and try to touch her, or kiss her, then I have crossed the line where she still needs to be polite. I can continue to get away with a great deal however, if she insists on being polite and not causing a scene. If there are issues such as stated in the OP, other people who could become involved, perhaps causing uncomfortable social situations, then that works as a tool for me to manipulate her. Only if she realizes that my actions put me squarely in the wrong, and that I have given up my rights to not have an angry tattooed biker in my face, does she take back the power.

I would start out very loud, profanity for shock value, to send the message home. Then I would call the police and file a report, if for no other reason than to cause him some grief. If the husband would not get physical, but would only repeat what the lady has already said, then I dont really see the point in having him involved.

What I would not do is let my life be altered, while I run around and avoid some guy who is making me feel uncomfortable.

TJ

Understood and agreed. I'll have to get loud and direct, because last evening after our gig another man (about my age) made advances including touching; I guess he's been encouraged by seeing me not being upfront/direct enough with the other man? My husband was elsewhere at the time. So it seems this problem has escalated and I'll have to opt for a stronger reaction -- in front of witnesses. If that doesn't stop this 2nd and younger man too, I guess he'll be looking for a snoot-whammy from my husband.

And in case anyone's wondering, I do dress modestly and am NOT flirtatious with the crowd. I'm not seeking nor courting any behaviors.

[Solfe]

Start accepting fake cell phone calls. This is nice* because you don't actually need a functioning cell phone and you can make some rather pointed comments the guy while speaking to "the caller". Or you can do the opposite by saying things that make you look callus, rude, mean and even undesirable. Don't do anything to make it look like a call is coming in and occasionally do it before you need to use the trick. This way he is properly trained to expect inconvenient phone calls.

*Obviously, I mean "nice" as in "simple to do", not a "nice thing to do to someone".

[novaderrik]

just roll with it.. he's just an old man with nothing to lose.

[geonuc]

Pepper spray. Apply liberally, but make sure you're upwind. (http://failblog.org/tag/pepper-spray/)

Fred

As with tasering, a bad idea unless there is a physical threat.

[Perikles]

just roll with it.. he's just an old man with nothing to lose.Apart perhaps from some dignity. Doesn´t this count with anyone, what others think of them?

[HenrikOlsen]

Billy Connolly (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJMqdTr7IQM) talking about a phrase you should learn.

Note that though he's talking about it in a nice manner, the phrase itself isn't quite safe for work. But learn it, embrace it, and really intensely mean it when you use it.

[TheOncomingStorm]

Dogs work fine at least they did for me a couple of weeks ago when I was delivering phone books.

[danscope]

Hi Buttercup, Keep that pitcher of nice ....cold.... icewater handy. Maybe TWO pitchers of icewater.
Keep us posted .

Best regards,
Dan

[Buttercup]

Hi Buttercup, Keep that pitcher of nice ....cold.... icewater handy. Maybe TWO pitchers of icewater.
Keep us posted .

Best regards,
Dan

He has started up yet again. So I have no choice but to take yet another measure of putting and (trying to) keep distance from him; and this will be the 3rd time! This man will not let me ignore him; he will take any possible inroad, or make one. He apparently trusts that my husband will not react in a physical manner, due to age difference. This man will not take "no" for an answer. He will not "lay off" after both a male friend of ours (who is also a respected person in this town) AND my husband have told him to leave me alone. Again: I sing in a band wherein this man's son is our bass guitarist; he comes to our gigs. My husband is not always present.

The only reason I'm posting again is that I will not allow myself to feel like a victim. My mother does not want to hear about this; my sister is uncomfortable and avoidant of the topic; I'm not going to re-involve the friend who has already spoken on our behalf; an online friend has run out of things to say (understandable). Another "friend" (no longer) reacted as if jealous; as if she would welcome this sort of attention. :confused: Well she can have mine!

I hate to go the draconian alternative: Leave the band.

There's another issue within this as well (this man has "friends," some of them my age group), but I'll defer going into it except to say I'm beginning to wonder if I've not been concerned enough for my safety. I've probably gone into some level of denial. This is not a good place to be. :(

Most people don't want to hear a person in such circumstances. But I'm going to make myself heard.

[Perikles]

He has started up yet again. So I have no choice but to take yet another measure of putting and (trying to) keep distance from him; and this will be the 3rd time! .But surely by restricting where you go, you are making yourself a victim, which is exactly what you want to avoid. Leaving the band would be even worse. Confrontation seems like the only way to solve this at this stage.

[Strange]

Maybe it is time to take (or at least threaten) legal action. There may be consequences, but it sounds like the consequences of not taking firm action may be worse.

[Tobin Dax]

He apparently trusts that my husband will not react in a physical manner, due to age difference.

You told us in the OP that your husband won't harm this person, so apparently he's right. Are you standing up for yourself or do you keep sending other people in and avoid confronting him yourself?

[Strange]

Maybe you should take a self defence course; next time he puts his hand on your arm, he finds himself on the floor ("oh dear, I can't imagine how that happened. I do hope you are OK." walks away...).

[Moose]

There's another issue within this as well (this man has "friends," some of them my age group), but I'll defer going into it except to say I'm beginning to wonder if I've not been concerned enough for my safety.

You can stop wondering. The answer is yes.

My earlier advice stands: Tell your husband. Today. He needs to know. And when you're in any situation where you might encounter this... "fine upstanding gentleman", have a fully briefed in wingman within eyeshot/earshot with you at all times to act as 1) deterrent, 2) witness, and 3) person willing to intervene when this "paragon of society" takes the next step.

[gzhpcu]

Moose is right. Just tell your husband. Don't start over analyzing and tying yourself up in knots as how to react. Tell your husband how it is. If it happened to my wife, I know what I would do...

[Nick Theodorakis]

If I were your husband I'd want to know. Also, consider that even if the person who is bothering you is not dangerous, he may get nasty in other ways when he realizes he is being rejected, such as starting rumors, and you want to get ahead of that.

Nick

[Jim]

The options I see for you are:

1. Talk again with your husband. Maybe he can take the man aside and explain that age diff or no, if he bothers you again...
2. Talk to the man's son. I know you're reluctant to do this because of the band connection, but if you're serious about quitting the band, what do you have to lose?
3. When the man shows up at the club where the band is performing, tell the manager that he has been harassing you and have the manager escort him out and ban him.
4. File charges... not a civil suit, criminal charges. At the least, get a restraining order.
5. Buy a can of pepper spray and use it. Just be sure to warn him first.

Pick whichever one seems best to/is most comfortable for you. Heck, pick several. Involve your husband in your next action.

[Swift]

I agree with Jim's options. Actually, I say yes to all of them, starting at 1, and work your way down the list.

[swampyankee]

He's making you uncomfortable; it sounds like he would be making any typical person uncomfortable, so his behavior passes the test for harassment, but I would be very surprised if it's serious enough to involve the courts yet (this would probably require a credible threat of harm, and I've little clue where the effective, vs legal, bar is where you live. I recall that the effective bar -- where the police would take action -- in Connecticut was once much higher than the condition where the law was actually broken. Google Tracy Thurman (http://www.rep-am.com/videos/tracey/). Note that some of her more serious injuries actually occurred after the incredibly dilatory police response.)

My advice? I'm presuming he's only acquainted because he's the father of one your bandmates, so you don't have to worry about meeting him at a niece's birthday party or cousin's wedding.

Tell your husband. Tell the geezer's kid. Tell the geezer's wife. Tell everybody in the band. Make it very clear to the geezer that "no" means "don't ever try to come on to me again."

[Cookie]

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Wear A Wire.

[HenrikOlsen]

I've said it before and I'll say it again.
Wear A Wire.
Really, really check your local laws and consult with a lawyer before doing this, it's entirely possible that recording him without informing him about it is a criminal offence in your state.

[geonuc]

Really, really check your local laws and consult with a lawyer before doing this, it's entirely possible that recording him without informing him about it is a criminal offence in your state.

I'm pretty sure the law in Buttercup's state of residence is 'one person consent'. That is, if one of the people in a conversation consents, it can legally be recorded.

[Cookie]

Feel free to state that you are wearing a wire, and everything he says is being recorded and/ or transmitted wirelessly.
You'd be surprised by the stupidity of people; a lot actually become emboldened by that statement, and say even worse things.
Or, simply wear one of those wireless earpiece/mic things the cellphone users wear, and point to it while ya make that statement.
That should get around any 'concealment' issues, as it would be very obvious.

Since you are in a band, say it is primarily for a personal recording of your performance.

[jfribrg]

I would suggest you investigate a restraining order. I'm not sure what is required to get one, but I would suspect that the burden of proof is less than if you filed criminal charges. Him knowing that there would be criminal consequences to continuing the behavior may be all that is needed. It would also be private, so he would not be publically humiliated. I know that is tempting to humiliate him, but it might not be in your best interests as it might just escalate the problem. If the restraining order requires that he stay away from you, he would not be allowed at your performances. Problem solved. If his son blames you for the problems, then so be it and find a different band.

I assume that you play in a bar or something. Another option would be to have the bar owner tell him to stop. The owner has an obligation to provide you a workplace free from harrasment. If the owner points out the legal ramifications to the bar of this patron's behavior, that may help.

[Buttercup]

If I were your husband I'd want to know. Also, consider that even if the person who is bothering you is not dangerous, he may get nasty in other ways when he realizes he is being rejected, such as starting rumors, and you want to get ahead of that.

Nick

I will consider telling my husband again. Have already told him, and he's already confronted this man. My husband has also been upfront, noticeably rude and rejecting of this man's attempts to "be friendly" to him. But I can have husband try yet again.

The rumors are already there. This man is part of a group of 4 or 5 other men (in my age group), who are talking about me (a lady friend has also noticed this); 3 of those men have also made aggressive advances. So I'm also dealing with a "one of the gang" mentality as well. :(

I've also twice now been approached by strange men who it later turns out is a friend to one of these other men; as if coming over to check me out, see if I'll be friendly to him, etc.

It's creepy. I don't think my husband can make all of these men quit their games, and ... I'm just at a loss. Frankly I'm scared at this point. It seems *anything* I do can and likely will be misconstrued, and anything's a pretext for continued advances. I don't even dare make ANY eye contact with any of them at this point; I don't want to make eye contact with them, but there have been instances of trying to bully me into looking into their eyes... I guess for them eye contact is a form of submission, and it's just unsettling. I've almost been physically ill over this, so it's likely time to bow out of the band. :(

[HenrikOlsen]

This is definitely restraining order time.

Possibly acting classes to help you gain better conscious control of your body language.

[swampyankee]

If it's just the one geezer saying things like "let's go for a drink hubba hubba..." then it's a much less serious situation that if there is a bunch of guys doing the same thing. Men (a group to which I belong) tend to be much less restrained when they've got group members joining in the harassment. First advice, never be alone with any of these guys. Second advice would be to start investigating legal remedies, like restraining orders: even if you quit the band, they may decide to chase you down. There may also be a local women's group which could give you much more relevant and useful advice than you can get from anybody on this forum.

[Buttercup]

If it's just the one geezer saying things like "let's go for a drink hubba hubba..." then it's a much less serious situation that if there is a bunch of guys doing the same thing. Men (a group to which I belong) tend to be much less restrained when they've got group members joining in the harassment. First advice, never be alone with any of these guys. Second advice would be to start investigating legal remedies, like restraining orders: even if you quit the band, they may decide to chase you down. There may also be a local women's group which could give you much more relevant and useful advice than you can get from anybody on this forum.

With 1 exception (a man about my age trying to make "friendship" inroads with my husband -- and I'm certain only to get close to me), I'm rather certain when I exit the band they'll leave me alone. It's not fair to me, but I see no other viable alternative especially considering the older man's son is our bass guitarist.

There is no women's group around here, and I tried to contact (telephone) a national agency; the hold time to talk with anyone is 1.5 HOURS! :( That line is always jammed. I could talk with a counselor in this area, for $25 an hour...and she'll simply tell me what's already been said here (which feedback I appreciate).

I'm just so disheartened and actually angry. I'd looked forward to being a member of this band, enjoy singing, etc.; but just my luck one of our band members' father is a sexed-up obssessive creep and some hangers-on are slimeballs too (they're also married with children!). :mad: My husband cannot always make our appearances, so that leaves me in this lurch...which I can't stay in. And I can't possibly get this small group of men to leave me alone; it's "good sport" to them apparently. And I have NO desire to find out how mean or aggressive they might become; what's gone on is already bad enough.

And all this despite my being a rather quiet person, minds her own business, focuses on female friendships, dresses modestly, etc. When I'm on stage with my bandmates, I'm just one of the group; I'm not glitzy nor trying for glamour. My conscience is clear. It's a pity some people just cannot leave others alone.

[Jim]

Out him.

Next performance, after one number, just stop everything, take the mike, and tell the audience what this "fine gentleman" has been doing to you. Tell them how he won't stop despite being told repeatedly that his advances are unwanted and unwarranted. And that now he's got his "good buds" trying things. (Be sure to point to all of them.) Then tell him and them to "leave me alone."

Then sing another number.

If you lose your bassist, big deal. (My son plays. Want his number?)

If the band makes you leave, isn't that what you've been considering?

Or, my wife has an uncle in St. Louis who used to... uh... "explain" things to people in ways they won't forget for a "family" business. Would you like his number?

[danscope]

Yep, it isn't good to bother our friend Buttercup. Tell him you have a lot of friends. Really .

[gzhpcu]

If the members of your band don't help you, they are not friends, and I would recommend leaving the band.

[Noclevername]

It's now past time to get the police involved.

[jfribrg]

Yet another thought. Tell his son! It seems to me that you have been putting up with the dad's nonsense because of his son's friendship with you, and you are unwilling to leave the band because you want to be in the same band as his son. Tell the son what is happening and that since nothing else worked, you are ready to quit the band. I would phrase it by saying that if sonny wants the band to stay together, then sonny has to keep dad's behavior in line. If Sonny sides with dad (the old "blood is thicker than water" mentality) , then maybe he isn't the great guy that you thought he was.

[Buttercup]

Thanks to everyone who responded. I'd dearly like to out him and the others during a pause in a gig; humiliate them good. But I doubt I'm brave enough to do such a thing. As for talking with the son, I doubt it'd do any good. His father is overbearing and with a real sense of entitlement. I've also met that man's wife: An enabler who thinks he's just wonderful. :confused: If my husband and a male friend of ours can't straighten this guy out, I doubt his son can. And his buddies are also enablers; they're feeding off/encouraging each other. So I'll take the only wise and safe route, especially as the situation seems to be steadily worsening (now one of these men seems to be steering visiting buddies in my direction; I'm being made sport of yet again). Eventually I could get hurt. My husband cannot always be at our gigs.

I know life is full of disappointments, but this is one I didn't need.

Thanks again for all the wisdom and support. :)

[Perikles]

I know life is full of disappointments, but this is one I didn't need.I'm sorry to read that this is the only way you see out of the predicament. One macho male can be dealt with, but it sounds like of whole bunch of them need training in how to be human.

[gzhpcu]

I think you are being to nice Buttercup. Tried being determined and telling them in no uncertain terms to take a long walk on a short pier? Don't let yourself become a victim! React in a determined fashion!

[danscope]

Round these parts we have a " Beeeeeg guy " we affectionately call..... " The Bouncer " . His nickname is
"Mangler". He's the guy what takes care of annoying bugs ; guys what don't have no coytesy. He introduces them to " the cement " . Then they learn fast like , or they learn to find another place to have a drink , or they learn how to drink soup . Maybe you should talk to the bouncer. Just a thought . :)

You know, when you meet up with a line backer who played for Texas , You learn how to say "Yes Sir" .......
with feeling .
If somebody was treating my Wife like that , I'd make sure he met Two bouncers. And that would be that.
But ... they don't call me " Big Dan " for nothing. And.... the bouncer has insurance .

[Buttercup]

Hi danscope: I answered you privately. :)

I've turned again to our 3rd-party friend to have "a word" with the older man/instigator. But I'm certain I'll be bowing out of the band because:

Just yesterday afternoon one of the other (younger/about my age) men -- a guy named Mike -- was standing next to my car in a parking lot. He was 3 feet from my left front tire. I'd been deep in thought, walking to driver's side, when someone very closeby jostling a shopping cart caused me to look over at him. I had car key in hand, ready to unlock the door. I'd wondered if the person were having troubles with the cart or what was going on...

...it was Mike. :(

I was stunned to see him standing there. :( I actually blinked, couldn't believe it was him. Caught me completely off guard (always bad for me); he turned and "greeted" me. He tried starting a conversation about my husband's favorite football team AND my home state (how does he know where I'm originally from?).

I left ASAP, but not before asking him if he worked at that store. I sort of wanted to believe it's a part-time job and he's moving carts around as part of tasks. But no -- he doesn't work there. He only shops there on weekends (thanks for the warning; I'll never shop there alone again on Sundays!).

So here's the deal: He doesn't work there. He has NO purchases. He's pretending to move carts around 3 feet away from my car. There are surveillance cameras in the parking lot; I'll presume (since no one does free cart-coralling for a store they're NOT an employee of -- and especially on a Sunday afternoon when the temp is 105 F and the sun is BLAZING down) he was pretending to be busy to avoid looking like a loiterer. He's not surprised to see me. Sure seems he'd been *expecting* me. He's ready to converse about husband's favorite football team and my home state -- *prepared.*

I got away ASAP with a very UNpleasant feeling. This man had spotted my car and waited for me -- and in 105 F temp, with intense sunshine beating down. Stalking...that's what it's called?

So yeah, I'm definitely going to take extra measures to keep safe. Fortunately we live in a modest-sized city.

My sister has suggested I begin documenting incidents. And I will.

Just wanted to share this "latest development." So it's gone from where we hold our weekly gigs to a PUBLIC area. :(

[HenrikOlsen]

You're being too polite.

Yes it's stalking. Report the incidence to the police, they might be able to pull the surveillance and see what he was doing waiting for you.

[Noclevername]

His behavior is clearly escalating. He is working himself up to act on his worst impulses.

[Buttercup]

I've notified the authorities.

It's sad how some people just cannot leave others alone.

Have decided to finish a writing project by a certain date, and continue a new hobby.

Thanks for all the responses and support. :) It's been truly appreciated.

[Buttercup]

Well I guess it hasn't ended yet. :(

Ten minutes ago, checking private e-mail, I checked the Spam folder (1 e-mail in it). Sometimes e-mails I want to read go into the Spam folder for whatever reason.

The e-mail was from one of those men. And it concerns an advertisement for "natural male enhancement" including a soft porn image. :confused:

Guess I'll have to nix my old e-mail account.

I'm really wanting this entire situation to end 100%!! An upsetting shock I did not need.

[Fazor]

Well, in fairness, that could very well be a virus or hacked account. My e-mail account apparently sent a bunch of those messages to people on my contact list because I had lazily been using a password that I had used since like '93, which was anything but a "strong" password.

[Tobin Dax]

How is it that he has your email address? And how do you know his?

[Moose]

Actually, it's very likely the email was actually spam/sent from a mutual acquaintance's email. Covert email spam engines nearly always muddy the water (further) by picking a victim out of a person's outlook (always outlook) address book, then making the email look like it came from them. _Then_ spamming everybody in the address book.

It's is _very_ unlikely that you're being stalked via email at this time, Buttercup. You can breathe easier for now.

[Jim]

A response that fits either situation is to return the email to him with a note about how you thought he should know that someone has hacked his account and is sending out filth in his name. Tell him you don't appreciate receiving, and you know it couldn't possibly be him sending, such smut, and how embarrassing it would be should his wife/kids/GF/family (whatever's appropriate) see it. Suggest he change his email account as you intend to change yours (may not have to, but...) to avoid any repeat.

[Jeff Root]

I don't agree with Jim's suggestion. I agree with Moose that
the e-mail more likely came from someone else's computer.
You might ask someone -- perhaps your e-mail provider -- for
help in determining where the e-mail came from. It may well
have been sent from Russia or Hong Kong, even though it
has the address of an acquaintance.

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis

.

[Buttercup]

How is it that he has your email address? And how do you know his?

Thanks for the mini-interrogation and attempt to shed a questionable light onto me. :evil:

Simple: During my participation in the band there had been group e-mailings sent (scheduling, requests, etc.), which included both our addys (his includes his full name). But I have never exchanged an e-mail with this man directly.

However, I clicked the link again today -- and now it's a foreign language ad for wine. Perhaps it's a link to a multi-advertisement site which changes daily?

I'm vastly relieved. Probably it was a spambot e-mailing thing? I didn't write him and ask, as I don't want contact.

Anyway, it'd seem an unfortunate coincidence. Thank goodness.

[Fazor]

Just for the record; you shouldn't click on those links as it's a great way to become infected yourself.

[Buttercup]

Just for the record; you shouldn't click on those links as it's a great way to become infected yourself.

I know.

But as it came from him, I wanted to see what it was. After all that'd gone on in the past, figured I should.

And I am relieved that today it's a foreign-language ad for wine. So obviously there's nothing intentional or deliberate of an unsavory nature going on. *whew*

[Fazor]

And I am relieved that today it's a foreign-language ad for wine. So obviously there's nothing intentional or deliberate of an unsavory nature going on. *whew*

Unless, of course, he's now suggesting the two of you fly overseas to spend a weekend at a vineyard together . . . ;)

[Buttercup]

Unless, of course, he's now suggesting the two of you fly overseas to spend a weekend at a vineyard together . . . ;)

The answer would be NO. :p

[Jeff Root]

Just for the record; you shouldn't click on those links as it's a
great way to become infected yourself.
Although I've asked about it before, I would like to discuss
this in detail in another thread. I'll name the thread "Click
and get sick?"
http://www.bautforum.com/showthread.php/118657-Click-and-get-sick

-- Jeff, in Minneapolis